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I’d like to report that since I have gone fully no contact by stopping checking on his social media I have noticed a big difference in how much I think about him each day – noticeably less than I did before. It’s like some days I think ‘oh that guy, yeah he was weird’ then get along with my daily activities. Not every day, but I have found that my focus has shifted more onto me now. This isn’t without its pain, in fact I am dealing with what seems to be grief, depression and extreme unhappiness at my life situation. I think I was partly using the relationship as a way to avoid facing up to all my problems and initially thought he would ‘save me’ as naive as that sounds. But at least I’m facing up to everything now and setting some goals and working on them, rather than wasting all my energy on him like I used to.
I just have a question as I’ve been wondering about this for a while. Did your abuser often ‘accidentally’ hurt you, both physically and mentally? And when I say accidentally I mean on purpose, but dressed up as an accident?
There were quite a few incidents when he seemed to do this, both verbally and physically. For example once in bed he leant on my arm, it was so painful and I exclaimed for him to move but there was this delay and I knew it was too late and there’d be a huge painful bruise, which there was.
Another time, also in bed, I was lying next to him and he suddenly moved his arm to ‘readjust’ himself and in the process he sort of hit me and it really hurt, again, it was apparently accidental.
In the relationship I started getting mystery pains in my abdomen (which thankfully went when I left him) and I remember thinking I better not stay over at his because he would probably ‘accidentally’ be too rough with me and hurt me physically, I didn’t feel I could trust him not to hurt me although at the time I never thought it was deliberate.
He was also rough with my body in bed and I had a lot of bruises on my hips at first until I told him to be more careful, he said that I must ‘bruise easily’ and never apologised, like it was my body’s fault for getting hurt!
He also said some things which were extremely painful to my soul like boasting about his prowess in bed with his exes. At the time I just passed it off as him being an ‘insensitive man’ although there were so many incidents I remember thinking ‘it is almost like he wants to hurt me.’
I don’t remember my previous non-abusive ex ever doing or saying anything that caused me pain like this either emotional and nothing physical at all so I am assuming it is a trait of an abuser, I was just wondering if you ladies had also experienced this ‘accidentally on purpose’ pain infliction.
I was wondering if it was his way of inflicting emotional and physical abuse on me without me realising what was happening?
I have a flashback to another time in bed when I remember he put his hands around my neck and I moved them away and he did it again and I moved them away again. It’s strange because at the time I don’t remember it happening, only afterwards. When I remembered I brought it up with him and said I didn’t like it, he got extremely defensive and angry and said it’d been ‘an accident’ and acted all offended that I would think he’d done it on purpose. But now I am pretty sure he got off on hurting me, I think he was just trying to do it in a covert way so that I wouldn’t wake up to the reality of what was happening if that makes sense.
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Yes. I didn’t realise how often until I was away from him. It wasn’t just the frequency that was worrying though. In my previous non abusive relationship my partner of the time had occasionally accidentally done things that hurt me – nothing out of the ordinary – like lying on my arm, or touching a bruise under my clothes or something (I bruise easily and used to do a lot of dangerous sports). I’d say something like ow and his reaction would be to move away, ask what hurt, and apologise, almost instantaneously. I would then generally reassure him that it wasn’t his fault. With my abuser I had to explain exactly what hurt before he would stop (and sometimes he would start up again minutes later) and then he would explain to me why it wasn’t his fault. He might even get me to apologise for overreacting. Scary stuff. I didn’t notice for years.
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Hi
Yes very much so .that i never spotted the red flag… sadist triangler choke hold..Look back i could of died
Someone i cant get over
Getting tests now for trauma of the neck
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