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I struggle with the word abuse but I feel ok with manipulation, I’m not sure in my head if it’s because it’s not physical, which I rationally know is ridiculous but it’s just how I think about my situation. I know I’ve posted similar things like this before but it’s something I’m really struggling with so please bear with me.
I just remember feeling like I was walking on eggshells a lot of the time with my husband and he was temperamental, sensitive, moody, prickly but not always anything specific. As I said before I used to excuse his behaviour and only feel ok if he was ok.
Obviously this is not healthy & if a friend or my sister was in that situation I’d say it wasn’t healthy & id be very concerned. I know Often the things we put up with we wouldn’t want other people to tolerate at all, we’d think they were unacceptable or abusive.
Sometimes when I read other peoples stories or books or posts about abuse it just seems more serious than my own situation & experiences. I guess it’s not about comparing my experience to others, and our own experiences are valid to us but I find it hard not to compare & then minimise my experience.
I think I look for labels and reasons to try and make sense of it, it’s something our brains are hardwired to do, make sense of stuff. It’s so hard as this stuff doesn’t make sense & is confusing as hell, especially in long term relationships and if doesn’t occur all the time and you have good times together.
My therapist said to me last week that abuse isn’t any better if for example they only hit you once a month as opposed to weekly, which is clearly true. Lies, manipulation, infidelity are also like that. They are not ok. Emotional & psychological abuse are not visible or overt like some other kinds of abuse so it’s much harder to see & perhaps accept? With all abusive behaviours I know they are on a spectrum & just because something is more subtle it doesn’t mean it’s less serious or destructive. I think it’s an ongoing discussion I’ll continue to have in my therapy as it swims round my head a lot at the minute. Sorry if this is a bit rambling and long 😞 ❤️
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Abuse isn’t a competition! It’s a tough thing to get your head around. You don’t need to survive a car crash more than once to know that it’s pretty terrifying and traumatic.
Although domestic abuse isn’t always physical, it’s often sexual. There may have been times in your relationship when you were coerced or felt uncomfortable with sexual contact. Abusers use their partners as we would use a toaster or a car and consent isn’t a thing.
The Freedom Programme is really good, and it’s good to be with other women who have experienced similar.
We normalise abuse and learn to live with it. Please don’t underestimate your own experience. All of it is horrible and unacceptable.
Baby steps. Once you recognise the behaviours you really can’t unsee them. There are loads of videos on youtube about how we get manipulated and used. It’s quite a ride! Keep chipping away at it. None of his behaviour is anything to do with you. It was behaviour he learned long before you came along, and he’ll keep doing the same thing again and again and again. It’s really not you. It’s not personal. It’s him.
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We also minimise abuse, our abusers often excuse and minimise their abuse. They also gaslight, play down what has happened or focus on the good times you have had or (future faking) good times ahead.
It took me a very long time to understand the amount of DA I have lived through… the subtle stuff is very hard to wrap your head around.. you will get there ❤️-
Hereforhelp, you are spot on we minimise it and they make excuses for it. It is very hard to get your head round & can leave you feeling like you’ve over reacted or made something out of nothing. Especially if it’s subtle rather than being in your face. I just keep reading about DA & I’ve purchased a book about emotional abuse. I hope that helps, thank you 😊
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I can totally relate. I too never experienced physical abuse. But he slamed doors, windows, banged his fist on-the table. I couldn’t say no to sex. He took my money.
We all have different experiences.
I too took a very long time to be able to be sure it was abuse. Years, even a year after leaving i wasn’t sure still.
It was when i did the freedom program that I finally accepted 100%
The first two seasions I wasn’t sure, but then, wow. Highly recommend. Xx -
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You dont ever need to compare what you go through compared with others sweetie we are all different with different experiences yet we can relate sympathise and send love when needed.
Im not one for labels actually i hate em so I dont understand the need for them but we each cope a different way right?
You are doing amazing ive been reading your posts and you really are doing so well in such a short space of time you are definatly moving foward taking those baby steps one at a time you should be so proud of yourself.
Just keep walking keep learning keep healing you will get to where you want to be i really believe that. Take care x -
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Hi Sparkle Wand
I can totally relate! I have a tendency to compare my own situation with others and then decide “mine isn’t that bad” when talking to friends and family I almost try and defend him, such is my loyalty to him I suppose.
I have never been physically abused, beaten etc but manipulated yes. In some ways I wish he’d just hit me as it’s easier to see and understand!
I still don’t think it was ever “that bad”. But i wasn’t happy for years and then things escalated.
I hear myself telling people stories and I’ve normalised certain behaviour but when I tell others they are shocked/dismayed. And then I feel guilty!
I haven’t read any of the books that have been talked about on here, i wish i could get them at the library but they don’t seem to have much. I still wonder of I’ve been abused even though people have told me yes I have.
Keep strong 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍-
Benzenering, I can totally relate to what all you are saying I too think it would be easier to accept if it was physical & that would make it more valid or acceptable? I’m not sure who but maybe me 😢 it sounds awful to think like that but I guess it’s how we have been taught to view what constitutes abuse.
I defended and excused my husband all the time as I didn’t want people to think badly of him or me. We do normalise what happens & become desensitised to it all even if it is subtle at times & like you people have been shocked at times when I explain what sort of things my husband has said and done over the last few years since we were estranged. If you Google ‘Lundy Bancroft free book’ you will find it & you can save it to your reading list on your phone, that’s what I have done. I found it helpful even though I didn’t relate to all of it. Even so I find it difficult to actually accept. You keep strong too x
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On Amazon kindle you can get Pat Craven living with the dominator for 99p or read for free on a 30 day free trial.
Just remember to cancel subscription before the 30 days.
Also, when you sign up for the freedom programme, they give you access to the book for free with a link and code via email.It is definitely abuse you we subjected to.
If you stayed, it could have escalated into physical abuse.I was with my partner for decades with no physical abuse, just mental and sexual cohesion.
Near the end, it got physical and that made me wake up and end things.
Looking back, its all the non physical stuff that has messed my head up, I don’t even feel bothered about the physical.
In my opinion, the mental and sexual abuse was 100 times worse x*x
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Footballfan1- thank you for your reply, I didn’t know that about the freedom project, I was looking at my local course last night. Sounds like you found it useful? I hope you’re on the path of recovery now you’re out of the situation. I think when I look at my own situation I sometimes feel like I’m being dramatic calling it abuse x
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Yes I struggle, I had no idea about emotional abuse till my ex turned physical and it led me to the live chat on here. I realised for the first time I wasn’t going crazy that it wasn’t me that had a problem.
Footballfan1 I agree it is the mental stuff that has had the worst affect on me. It has seriously affected my judgment and trust of people. He made me question friendships that I’d had before I met him by (i know now) lying about them.
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Coming to terms with abuse is quite a trip! It’s absolutely like wading through mud. There are so many people both here and in real life who’ll support you until you’re on dry land. It’s difficult and confusing although step by step the mud thins, the water clears and we can’t unsee abuse.
It’s so easy to underestimate our experience. As we begin to understand it better we grow stronger in ourselves and find it easier to recognise the behaviours in others. Every step you take, however tenuously is a step towards freedom.
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Maddog thankyou, I do really underestimate it & minimise my experience. I do compare my experience to that of others and then think what I have experienced isn’t bad enough. Which then leaves me feeling more confused about what was going on. I think it’s hard when the outbursts or incidents aren’t necessarily regulars. Like I said before he was difficult to live with but I excused his behaviour and moodiness all the time, you then get used to it 😞
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Someone once said to me on here that if someone else told you their story would you belittle it? Would you think gosh thats not as bad as me or would you listen support and help them?
My guess is the latter right? So do that to yourself dont compare they are all noce at tines its why we stay if it was bad all the time then we woukd see quicker learn better and leave sooner so dont ever think your pain is less than otbers or that theres is greater than yours. If it hurts it hurts.
Be kinder to you x*x -
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I read the lundy bancroft and i could see myself in almkst all i read but im not sure i gained anything from it.
Let us know how you find this new one sparkle wand you are doing amazing keep going and be proud of how hard you are trying.
You got this xxxx -
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