Disaster night out

[Yellowflower]

So after securing a new job I thought I was on a roll and decided not to turn down an invite to go out with new friends. We went to a different city which I thought would be great because I’d feel more comfortable. Truth is it’s triggered me so badly. My confidence has just gone. I’m like a nervous wreck I feel really uneasy around men. One man kept trying to catch my eye and he proberly was just being friendly but it sent me into a panick that he may try and talk to me. I’ve been doing ok lately In terms of not missing him. However his all I could think about while I was out. I kept thinking how he is going out now all the time doing this and who is he talking to. There was so many pretty girls out and he could take his pick. I still love him I really do and I wish I could turn that off. I wanted him so badly to change to stop being so angry. I miss the things we used to do together when he wasn’t like that. This is so incredibly hard I keep trying to move forward but I can’t stop loving him. I can’t stand the thought of him now moving on. I know his been on dating sites as his been seen and that really hurts. How can you make all these plans with someone have a family with them and make all these promises and then just walk away and make up lie after lie. My children are thriving not being in that environment but me… I’m lonely I guess I want to share stuff that happens in my life with him and I have to stop myself because I know it’s not that way anymore. Does anyone have any ideas at all how I can stop feeling this way? Stop worrying who his dating? Or who he has in our family home. I’m truely heartbroken that I wasn’t enough for him to try and change. I know you will say that he won’t change and deep down I do know that. But maybe there was a slight chance and now maybe the shock of all this will change him and he will meet someone and be that person I fell in love with forever. I just don’t know what to do. Feels like everywhere I turn I come back to the fact I still love him.

[fizzylem]

Hi Y, I remember this well, waiting for the news he’s seeing someone else, thing is the build up to this is far worse than the news. I was kinda relieved after it happened, it was done and it was not half as bad as I imagined it would be – actually left me feeling much lighter – another step forward.

Sounds like you’ve identified the problem for yourself, that the pain comes from feeling you still love him. I felt like he was the one for me, but I had to let this go eventually, can honestly say now he was definately not the one for me – had he been we’d still be togther hey. How could he be the one? When the relationship was toxic and he treated me so badly?

Think about the man he is, the man you came to know, you fell in love with the man you hoped he would be, turned out he wasnt this man hey – that you were fooled into thinking and beliveing this to begin with in the early days – that was certainly the case for me – he used a tactic to get you to lower your guard, and led you believe he gets me, undertsands me, we’re the same.

Those three little words can buy a heap of forgiveness and get him out of the tightest of spots; it’s also what most of us want to hear, you are the one for me – his words and actions were very likely different – the way he behaved did not feel loving at all did it; doubt very much these words were anything more that get out jail words tbh – if he was anything like the man I was with. Sometimes they do think they are in love in the early days, but it is often the case that this was just lust and the endorphins released when having a lot of sex.

This man who you know now – what is there to love about him? Is he kind? Generous? Loving? Caring? Thoughtful? What qualities did he posess that you loved? Maybe also think about what characteristics and behaviours that you disliked – maybe make a list. Then ask yourself how can I love that? I found there wasnt anything to love after this.

For me it was about letting go of the idea that we were in love as well – can take a while, as we feel reluctant to do this at first, guess because it feels like letting go of this illusion also means that accpeting that what we had was not real and that feels worse – only it isnt – again, it feels worse before – after acknowledging this it actually feels freeing. It requires full honesty – being true.

Doesnt mean you didnt try to love him; you no doubt did. I tried to love him for sure, same as you, because we have a heart; but I can see now he simply was unable to love another, feel love or give it – so what we had was lie – cant really love him for that either – for duping me, for carelessy putting my feelings aside for his personal, selfish gains.

Go easy on yourself about the nigt out – clearly you tried but you’re not quite ready; it will come; maybe some more letting go is needed first x

[Fudgecake]

Hi Yellowflower, I understand completely what you’re describing. You loved him. Simple as that really and these feelings can’t be switched off. However he wasn’t what you thought he was and showed you who he really is. You have the strength to rebuild and no contact if possible will ease the pain. Well done on getting a new job! Eventually your strong feelings for him will diminish and you will find some peace. Take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. Good advice from fizzylem, I think I’ll follow that myself. x

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