Divorce – when and why?

[itwillbeokay]

So I left a few months ago, been together a long time, 2 very little children. I’m still struggling with it all, heartbroken by it all and what I now recognise to be an abusive relationship, struggling with contact due to our children, he minimises, blames, denies, projects, gaslights, hoovers, I worry what inappropriate things he may or may not say to our older but still very young child, it’s a nightmare really.

Outside of this though I have lots to be thankful for and me and the children are fine. Emotionally and mentally I’m struggling but I’m pretty strong and all is well and good for us. It’s just him and this situation bringing me down. Same as when I was with him I guess. I’d started to realise aswell as anything else that he just didn’t bring out the best in me, probably didn’t want to, and I was not the person I wanted to be with him.

Anyway, I’ve seen a Solicitor once as I currently qualify for Legal Aid which I feel very grateful for. She has said I can divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. But I have such conflicting opinions and thoughts myself. People say oh wow that’s soon or that’s quick whereas some are like oh yes get it done whereas my counsellor said it was quick and even the Solicitor said no rush. I don’t feel in any rush, I am fragile right now. But I’m due to inherit some money from my father who recently passed away and I’m concerned about the financial implications which I’ve mentioned on here before. I’m concerned about lots of things, I’m just total head in sand at the moment. I’m in the fog of abuse still thanks to him and what he says to me.

When did people even start to think about divorce roughly after leaving please?

Xx

[Itwastimetostopit]

Unfortunately I don’t get legal aid but guess will be worth every penny in end.
I’ve just started proceeding after few months.
There’s no going back so what’s point waiting.
While there’s no rush to me it needs doing.

[White Rose]

Sorry to hear about your dad.
If you do divorce his inheritance gift to you may be separate to the “marital pot” especially as it’s coming after you split. One of my friends had similar issue when she divorced. Your solicitor will help but there’s also a lot of info on internet.
Only you can decide if/when the time is right to divorce. Your “ex” may even decide to divorce you.
I’m glad you qualify for legal aid xx

[KIP.]

I went straight to a solicitor when I caught my ex cheating. The actual divorce dragged on because I was too traumatised by him using the civil system to carry on abusing me. But my main concern was to disconnect legally financially so that he couldn’t give away any more of our money and assets. After I was secure in that department I gave up trying to divorce him because his demands were so unreasonable. After (detail removed by moderator)years he petitioned me and was going to take me to court to sort finances. Basically he wanted the house sold and wouldn’t take our more than reasonable offer. Looking back he also wanted to drag things on for  years so that I could t divorce him for his unreasonable behaviour. It all worked out in the end and I couldn’t care less now that he petitioned me as I just wanted away from him. The actual divorce is just a piece of paper. I’d be more concerned about the legally binding things like house, pension, savings, and liability for his debt.

[lover of no contact]

If it was me I would take all the steps to have the Legal Aid approved. It is great you qualify. I would get the Legal Aid up and running before your inheritance comes through as maybe you may not qualify with inheritance money. And keep this money sacrosanct, away from him and anything to do with him. With 2 very young children you are going to need every penny of that money, you can presume your abuser is not going to honour his financial responsibilities (unless its to keep contact with you so he can still mess with your head).

(detail removed by moderator).

[lover of no contact]

Typo- If and when the money comes through (detail removed by moderator).

[freedomtochoose]

Just to add a thought, someone told me that if you open a kind of trust fund this does not count towards divorce stuff. I don’t know if this is true. But may be worth asking.
good luck
ftc
x

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you for your thoughts and advice everyone, I’ll give all this some thought. I appreciate it x

[iwillbeok]

Hi itwillbeokay,

Sorry about your Dad. x

I decided to divorce as soon as I felt strong enough; I had had some counselling and had reached the definite conclusion that I no longer wanted to be married to this man! There was definitely not going to be any reconciliation. I was technically still his next of kin which meant, as far as I was aware, that he still stood to inherit my assets or make the sorts of decisions that next of kin may make in cases of medical emergencies.

I just no longer want to be connected with him in any way.

The reason it has taken so long is because the courts have been backed up and take ages to process anything. I didn’t want to wait for the 2 year separated rule, only to find he may not agree and then have to go down the unreasonable behaviour route anyway. His behaviour was entirely unreasonable and given that he was not charged, I was not going to let him get away with it all together.

I just want done, now and to move on.

iwillbeok x

[maddog]

My ex was horrible after my mum died. All he said about her was that he wanted to see her will. He had been informed of her death by my family and he chose to ignore the information and blame me instead. It is possible to put money in trust for the children so he can’t get his sticky mits on it. It’s not entirely straightforward so please take advice.

[BlueGray]

I went to seek divorce a week after he finally left. Its a long drawn out process. My solicitor is good but busy in court daily.
I’d like it to be faster as I want to cut all ties. I already changed my name back.
I have no regrets.

[Author]

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