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My children have witnessed my partners rages. Towards me and then. They love their daddy and 80% of the time he is nice to them.
They have seen how he speaks to me and how mean he is. My daughter who has just started (detail removed by Moderator) has said ‘we will be ok mum if you leave him’
My daughter who is in (detail removed by Moderator) says sometimes ‘I wish you would leave him’
I am worried that if I do leave him they will blame themselves or regret saying these things. I know I have to make my own decision. But I just don’t know what to do. Plus they will have to see him on their own if we split up. -
I contacted my local Authority for some help on housing and finance advise to be able to leave. Obviously they have to work out if what is happening is or could be domestic abuse and after speaking with me about the children witnessing their dads rages toward me they have contacted social services. I am heartbroken that they have done this as my children are safe and I am protecting them by trying to arrange to leave in a safe way. I am now also terrified of them getting involved in our seemingly perfect life, like contacting their school and so forth. I’m wishing I’d never reached out for real help now. Obviously they think my children are in danger (I do not believe they are) and I’m so upset with myself and also scared of upsetting my husband. Like you they adore their dad most of the time and he adores them. I don’t want to ruin lives, I just want to make it better for everyone. I feel it’s all very dramatic when you’ve tried to keep a lid on it for so long. It’s scary.
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Hi Stuckinturmoil
As the partner of an abuser, the abuse cycle is very confusing. Imagine how confusing it must be for children who have a different kind of attachment to their father.
When children witness DA first hand, it is very damaging for them. An abuser harms his children every time he flies into a rage. Even if the rage isn’t aimed at them, it sends a very clear message to them about what can happen if they don’t please him. That puts enormous pressure on them which can have a lasting impact. So yes, I can understand why they want you to leave him.
As the child of an abusive mother, I hoped and prayed my father would leave and take us with him. He didn’t and I learnt that abuse was normal. Those childhood lessons lead me into an abusive marriage that lasted for decades.
You have to make your own decision based on what is best for you and your children. I can’t pretend it’s an easy decision and a well trained counsellor could be helpful with this.
Either way, please ensure that your children understand that the responsibility of this decision lies with you. They don’t have to shoulder any of the burden. xx
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