Do I have to contact him to tell him it’s over?

[gettingtired]

Firstly I just want to say thank you for the supportive messages on my last post about me finally leaving, sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply yet. It’s all been a bit of a whirlwind.

So when I first left I was being bombarded with messages and calls by him. The messages got very nasty and he threatened to turn up at my work so I told him if he did I’d call the police. I then blocked him. Somehow his phone calls have still been coming through though and I’ve had hundreds. He’s also been calling and texting my family asking if it’s over between us. They haven’t answered his calls but they’re now getting a bit annoyed and want me to tell him it’s over. They don’t know the full story of how vile he was to me though and they’re people pleasers themselves.

Do I have to message him to say it’s over? I would have thought my warning of reporting him to the police would be enough. I think he just wants to get a dialogue with me again but I don’t ever want to speak to him again. I don’t want to message him! Do I have to? I’m terrified if I do things will get nasty and he might start turning up in person if he knows it really is over.
I’ve never left him before and I’m sure it gave him a huge shock but he was the one telling me to go!

Any advice would be much appreciated please as my family are now stressing me out wanting me to message him x

[Anonymous]

Had exactly the same from my ex , I had to text him (detail removed by Moderator) xs it was over and he too turned up being abusive , I personally wouldn’t contact him to say anything. Screenshot everything he has sent you and would it be advisable to change your number and only give out to a handful of people, family , close friends . If that’s not possible just block him everywhere and do not engage at all , he wants a reaction from you , enter into a conversation. You already told him in your own words it’s over by mentioning the police , you don’t need to say anymore. Tell your family not to answer him if he continues harassing them or get them to report him to the police if it continues x whatever you do , don’t message him , stay strong x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Gettingtired

You have told him its over, there is no mileage in telling him again and again, the next step I’m afreid is the one you don’t want to do, which is to call the police, he’s had fair warning, and totally doesn’t believe your ‘threats’. Follow through, and let the police know you can’t take the stress and fear of this anymore, and neither can your family, plus you are scared he will turn up at home and work.

You don’t have to keep suffering his abuse, and neither do your family. Report him, he has gone sooo way beyond whats even unreasonable! To call you after you saying it, even another time, or several further times, is harrassment, especially when you’ve made that clear.

they will try over and over to draw you back in to conversation, hand it over to someone else now, let someone else deal with him.

Think of yourself now, and push his demands out of your life, think only of you and your family now.

warmest wishes

ts

[Wants To Help]

Hi gettingtired,

Good to hear from you and that you’re still out and not wanting to go back.

If he’s told you to go, well, you’ve packed your stuff and taken your pet and left, so he knows it’s over – no need to spell it out to him at all.

This amount of calls and contact is definitely OTT and if it continues next week I’d consider reporting him for harassment due to the abuse history and the fact he is likely to stalk you and turn up at your place of work. You don’t owe him any explanation about why the relationship has ended, as others have said, he’ll use any contact from you to engage in a conversation to try and convince you he’ll change.

I’ve been reading a self help book this morning and learned something new. Well, it’s not new, but the way it was written helped me understand it better. It’s that emotions do not control us. Emotions do not make us behave in a certain way. Our behaviour is a choice. That’s what we always say about abusers isn’t it? That they choose to abuse, their behaviour isn’t because they’re tired, or depressed, or upset. Those things are all emotions but how you react to those emotions is a choice.

The fact that you may be feeling guilty about the way you have left him or not given him an explanation etc is not a reason for you to contact him, contacting him is going to be a choice that you make. So if you feel that you need to message him or email him to make it clear this is over have another think about that. Do you really need to send that message?

Sending it will be a choice based on the emotions you are feeling, and sending it may make you feel better, but will it actually be beneficial or helpful to the situation?

As caring people, we always put ourselves in the situation of others, it’s our empathy at work. But there are times when we need to realise that our kindness can also be our downfall. It’s not a bad thing to have boundaries and understand that sometimes there comes a time to cut people off who are a drain on us and who have a negative impact on our lives. Cutting someone off who harms us does not make us bad people, it is a strength.

Put it this way, if someone who you wanted to get in touch with never got back to you after 3-4 missed calls/messages/emails/contact via a third party, would you get the message that they don’t want to speak to you? Would you give up trying to contact them and accept the fact they no longer want to engage with you? I’m sure you would. It’s not hard to get the message is it!

He is choosing to keep on like this, he’ll probably use his emotions as his excuse but that’s rubbish. He’s probably angry that you have dared to leave him and that you’ve been the one to end this relationship. In his mind he will be the one who decides when it ends, and then he’ll contradict himself because if you did tell him that he’d told you to leave so you did as he asked he’ll then tell you he didn’t mean it! So then, what that is telling you is that he will say things to hurt you and upset you when he wants to just out of spite.

Continue to ignore him, please do not choose to message him in any way – don’t use your emotions as a reason to make contact.

xx

[nbumblebee]

Well you know how i feel but im gonna say it again.
No.
Absolutly no.
No contact no explanation no going back no.
He does not deserve anymore of your time tears or effort.
You are amazing your strength your determination your courage is amazing. You now need to concentrate on you and the guilt you carry and my guess you will carry for a while my friend this is your now, you.
Keep talking keep learning keep getting strong but also keep away from him no contact and if he comes to you, you call the police as hard as it is you really have to now think of you.
I am so so so proud of you and i hope one day you will see how amazing you are and you will be proud of yourself too. X

[Author]

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