Do I (detail removed by moderator)? Confused

[Althea]

Hi,

I need some help please. Having left my emotionally abusive ex and temporarily stayed with family out of the area my and our two young children are due to move back near my ex so I can return to my job and the children can see their dad (though I’m on the fence about this), they love to see him but so far we have only met halfway between for a few hours a few times in over (detail removed by moderator) months. (detail removed by moderator)! He didn’t address any of his deteriorating behaviours before we left and just seemed concerned about money. Everytime I ask for advice on custody from DV support workers they say often these abusers refuse to return children and let him take you to court if he wants them, or to get a residency order in place. (detail removed by moderator). I’m dreading talking to him as I know he is going to expect to have them and when he realises it might not be that easy I’m not sure what will happen. (detail removed by moderator), I also hoped to keep the tension level down as I know if angry he is going to say something in front of the kids about it. Am I just too scared of him to do the best thing or worried I’ve made him sound worse than he is or worried I’m making a fuss even worrying about this as he has to work full time and couldn’t afford childcare so keeping them isn’t practical, unless his Mum has them. Thank you if you hung in until the end. Any advice really appreciated

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Althea
I would go with the advice given by the DA support workers. They are the expert in their field, they know what they’re talking about having seen it over and over again. They’re talking out of facts, evidences, statistics and professional experience with countless abusive cases over custody battles.
Solicitors on the other hand -unless specialised in Domestic Abuse – will treat your case as a classic divorce and custody case. Mediation does NOT work with abuser, if it would, communication during marriage would have worked too.
Also try to keep contact to the minimum with him, or cut it entirely. For your safety and sanity.
All the best & keep posting

[Eve1]

I haven’t got all the legal answers, but I do know that I came off worse (detail removed by moderator) by ‘not wanting to make a fuss’. A better idea might be to see the mediator separately, individually. I think I was still focusing on not upsetting him rather than what might best for me as he was sitting next to me. He will be relying on that. You need to work out what is best for you. It’s not really your job to keep the tension down If he can’t control his anger that’s his problem. Obviously you do this for the children’s sake but again he’s relying on that. How are you communicating? Can you use text or email instead of face to face? Have you contacted Rights for Women? They can help with the legal side.

It is difficult, but focus on what works best for you and aim for as little contact with him as possible.

Warm wishes
Eve

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