Do I need to put something in place re custody?

[Fishandchips4tea]

Hi everyone,

I’m leaving my partner. It’s been a long time coming and I’m finally seeing the relationship in all of its horrible glory. He has tried to control, manipulate, emotionally punish and gas light me at every single turn. Enough is enough.

Now that I’m pulling away he is hoovering (I literally learned what this was this week) we go from love bombing, to attacking, to suicide threats, to absolute denial and pretending it’s not happening (that one is so disconcerting) trying to control me/ my actions/ my life/ my contact with others, to begging and promising to change to blaming me and spitting his venom, crying, roaring, howling, silent treatment, volatile behaviour, shouting, using my son as a pawn in his game playing, guilt tripping, letters of love and adoration, a marriage proposal???? And then also calling me abusive.

I don’t expect we are anywhere near the
End of the punishment he wants me to endure but he has now, at last agreed to get the house valued. His behaviour over the past few days has been the most unnerving by far as he’s been cleaning the house and (detail removed by moderator)! Honestly you couldn’t make this stuff up.

Historically he has had a disinterest in our son (detail removed by moderator) and son equally disinterested in me. But now he has hinted at 50/50 custody and I feel it’s all really about punishing me than any relationship with his son. Is there anything I can do to protect my son from this? I’m totally onboard with supporting a relationship between them as long as that relationship remains in the best ingests of my son.

I don’t trust that ex is emotionally stable or able to do what’s best for my son instead of using him in game playing. He hasn’t been up a single morning with my son in years yet says he will have our son half the week. He’s also volatile . He smashed our (detail removed by moderator) while son was in the house and has physically restrained/blocked and controlled me from getting to my son in the house on several occasions.

Should I look to get a record of this? I feel like it’s my word against his and I just need to know my son is ok and part of that is unfortunately going to be me trying to control that contact so that it doesn’t negatively affect our son.

I’m terrified that a court would just grant him 50:50 custody even though his parenting role is about 15% and his outbursts and emotional behaviour could be so damaging to our lovely son.

I want my son to have a relationship with his dad, but not one that’s going to damage him. Please help

[Footballfan1]

Hi Fishandschips4tea,

I love the name!
Well done on the steps you have taken.
It takes a lot of courage to say you are ending things.
His bizarre behaviour, you are right, you really can’t make it up can you!!
It makes sense to us survivor’s, we have witnessed or are still involved in that crazy making behaviour.

You are right in saying that you suspect your ex wants child arrangements purely to punish you.
This is very common.
As you say, he left the bulk of the childcare to you, and didn’t show any interest.
Then suddenly they want 50/50 split.
This is because they know it hurts the mum, it rips her heart out being apart from the child.

Do you have any support from domestic abuse team or police?
They both can help you with safety planning.

You could look at applying for a child arrangement order.
If you qualify for legal aid, you could get this for free.
Most solicitors offer 30 minutes free consultations.
Please look at getting some legal advice.

Everyone has different situations, so everyone’s child arrangements will be different.
From my experience, it is impossible to co parent with an abuser.
Take care and keep posting
Xx

[Rabbits]

Alternate (detail removed by moderator). If you think he’s abusing the kids or putting them in danger stop contact

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