Do you believe that they might change

[Anonymous]

I have read in a post that if abusers admit to the abuse and actually want to do something about it, they might be able to change.

My fiance has been calmer these days, as to how aggressive he was before. We still have an odd fight here or there, but where he used to beat me up badly, he might only hit me once and then he actually feels bad about it. He spoke to me a few days ago and told me that he doesnt want to hurt me anymore and that he is really working hard to improve, which I can agree to. And he told me that he is trying to change and promise that he wont do anything to hurt me again.

He is even doing his part and trying to be better. It was my birthday recently and he spoiled me rotten. He even allowed me to wear new shoes to work and didnt have a fit about it and he is allowing me to go out with my mom.

I am not sure if I am just being naive, but I do think he might be trying to change. I do hope that this is not just part of another cycle.

Do you believe they can change?

[Serenity]

Sadly, I don’t have much faith.

I think that they find it all too
easy to revert to manipulation and control, even if they try to make an effort.

Plus, they normally start making an effort for their own benefit. I am sure he that he has noticed a change in you ; is he now trying to pull you back in? It’s a constant game of push- pull and a confusing cycle. x

[SaharaD]

Dear Womaninneed

that isn’t change. they have to change on their own away from victims and survivors. they have to go on courses and do psychotherapy for years.

what that is, is lovebombing. Google lovebombing honeymoon period in cycle of abuse.

this man is very dangerous and I think you need to go into a refuge and go strictly no contact.

at the very least start reading books by Lundy Bancroft and the Freedom program.

(detail removed by Moderator)

[betterdays]

Hi there no I don’t think they can mine were supposedly getting help yrs never did. He got as far as the doctors he were supposed to self refer but never did. And they usually are only telling you what u want to hear when they say there getting help x

[Ayanna]

No, they do not change.
They have their moments though. The ex abuser could be nice for six months and I thought he really wanted to change. Then the tension built up again and I was back in the worst situations.
That is because they are not stupid. They know they should not do what they are doing and they try to be normal in between. But they cannot stick to it. The sick brain just cannot be normal. They miss something when they are not violent.
Try to get out before he starts again. x*x

[miamoo]

My OH was more violently aggressive in the past. For the first year it was only subtle control that I didn’t even notice, then he would kick off and smash things up if he didn’t get his way or I didn’t do what he wanted. He smashed up the TV one day in temper because I wouldn’t turn it over, this was my ‘line’ it seemed, because from nowhere I told him to get out (and I meant it).
He didn’t go, he was sorry and promised it would never happen again, and that didn’t happen again.
What did happen over the following decade was much worse I can see now, the anger is still there inside him, simmering away and always just ready to boil over and explode, but now with angry words and hateful looks and slamming doors. This anger is all inside now, he doesn’t smash things up anymore, he turns it on me not physically but mentally.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that I thought we had cracked it when he promised he wouldn’t smash up stuff in the house again, and he didn’t smash stuff up. But we hadn’t. It just started a different kind of abuse. I did used to believe that they could change, but now I don’t think they can. Maybe with a serious amount of counselling and being on their own for a time, they possibly could change, but I don’t know.

[Jennaflorrie]

I lived hoping and praying H would change. He would be lovely for a while then flip back.

Its his character.

N********t – that’s what they are. They think the whole world is about them. They are in the centre. You are on the edge. When you do something they don’t like its an offence to their ego.

My H has changed to a certain extent. But you are right….they just turn that somewhere else. My H used to rant about my Dad and how much he hated him….he had a go at him…so H rants out at my family now.

They have horrible personalities….lets be honest. Just horrible people. I feel I should love him….I have forgiven him because I am a Christian…but trust him? Love him? That’s just another story.

For you…..get away. He is still the leopard with the same spots. No matter how many times a snake sheds its skin its still a snake.

Move away from him. Don’t discuss it with him. Just move out. Even if its hard for you for a while….long time you will be so much better off.

[Anonymous]

Morning Ladies

I hope all of you are well

I am so sorry for not responding to any of you, just feel so down these last 2 weeks. Thank you for everyone’s support and for sharing your stories. I still cant believe that people are actually capable of doing this. I am so sorry for what you ladies have been through and I wish that none of us had to endure abuse, if the abusers only knew what effect they had on us mentally. I am glad that some of you ladies got out and I hope that you are happy where you are.

You were right, he is not as violent as he used to be, but he is targeting me more emotionally now and think I dont notice anything. Just wish I never met him…

[KIP.]

“Where he used to beat me up badly, he only hits me once”

Can you see how you minimise, and try to justify him hitting you. Making excuses for his illegal violent behaviour. Any violence is unacceptable. This statement shows how dysfunctional things are. How your mind is wrongly trying to deal with this.

He hits you, it’s dangerous, unacceptable and he keeps getting away with it. He has no intention of changing. I don’t believe for a minute he feels bad. If he did he would go get help, move out and stay away. You need to look after you, because he proved he cannot. No one is holding him accountable.

He “allowed” you to wear new shoes. People don’t allow other people to wear shoes. Are you in touch with womens aid. They were great. I gave my abuser so many chances to change and he never did. He put on an act for a while then became the same old monster again and again x

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much KIP. I cant believe I was naive enough to believe that he is trying to change. He is just back to his normal self again. Just wish I could get out

Hope you are doing well

xox

[Ayanna]

Just get out hun. Pack the things you need most and leave. Go somewhere far away. Go to another country. Look for work in England online. You can do job interviews over the phone. He will never find you. x*x

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much Ayanna. I am trying my best at this moment.

Leaving the country is not an option though, unfortunately I am not allowed accessing my own money.

xox

[jackjack]

I urge you to leave honey – you deserve proper real love…we all do. My local Womens Aid were excellent – I left with the clothes on my back and a kid under each arm and they helped me so much. For the first time in years I felt safe – emotionally and physically safe. The difference in me now is incredible. So happy so confident and yes – Im wounded and angry at times but the self awareness is there to heal me up as things come up. That self awareness doesnt come when your emotionally and physically tossed and battered in thier thrall. Bless you woman…come on…set yourself free. x

[Anonymous]

Hi JackJack

Thank you so much, I am so glad you managed to get out.

I find it very difficult to leave, we have a wedding coming up soon and I feel tied down, but trying to make it through.

Thank you for the good advise

xox

[SaharaD]

Please don’t marry him. It will only get worst. keeping someone from acessing their own account and money is illegal and fraud and financial abuse and coercive control. you don’t need money to leave. Charities and the government will provide you with food clothing and shelter until you get back on your feet. this is what happened to me.

I now have my own social housing association flat because I’m a vulnerable adult and the government still helps me with rent and a topup of spending money due to my low wage and mental health disability.

he’s never going to change why should he? all he had to do was talk the talk and not walk the walk and he’s right back where he want to be. in control…….

He is obviouslyndangerous so please speak to Women’s aid to make an escape plan or a plan to remove him permanently from your presence.

[Author]

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