Do you think they can have a happy, healthy relationship…

[Healthyarchive]

…..My ex has been 100% silent for months, since we split up he hasn’t bothered with me. I think he is lovebombing another one on his conveyor belt of soulmates. He sent me thousands of messages telling me I was the love of his life and his soulmate, this continued and then died off once he hooked me. He had a failed marriage behind him & a collection of women he had had short flings with. I am wondering if a person who is abusive is capable of having a decent relationship with a woman, i.e loving, sharing, committed & equal. I thought recently if he found someone with the same loose morals as him that could work. But in my experience, i dont think many women would put up with his horrible ways.

[KIP.]

No they can’t. They can feel a sense of satisfaction from sucking the life from people but a healthy relationship means putting others first. This is not in their nature.

[Healthyarchive]

I shouldn’t do but I feel sad that he hasn’t been in touch. But then when I thought he made his presence known a few months ago it freaked me out, that that was creepy. If he had just been normal & sent me best wishes I would have liked that. I noticed that Better Day’s ex is hanging around her which indicates his current fling is not going so well. My ex hasn’t bothered with me which indicates he is tight in with someone else. I remember thinking just before we split, no decent, normal woman would put up with him long term. Maybe short term while the sex is good which it was, but long term he is a completely s**t partner. So mean with money it was embarrassing, it were an issue if he paid for a cup of tea for you. He never ever took me out, the dating scene these days, the majority of women would expect the man to take them out & at least buy a drink, at least. A liar and all round cr*p partner. Unless he gets with a women who thinks like him then it could work. But then they won’t prosper as he is a crooked con man so they won’t get very far in life.

[Serenity]

I think one of the most soul-destroying facts about being in an abusive relationship is that we have the all-pervasive feeling that we are ‘never good enough.’

We can empty ourselves of all our available resources, become ill, blame ourselves. Nothing is enough to satisfy these vampires.

I wouldn’t mourn the fact he hasn’t hoovered you yet. It would be only for their own ends. My ex treated me like yesterday’s newspaper. Now he’s hanging about. It’s not pretty. It’s soul destroying,because it’s fake affection.

It is for their own ends.

Better to blot these vampires out of your life. There are good men out there.
My ex is hoovering me up. It is making me ill. X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

You do not want him thinking about you or hassling you he knows you’re way too good for him so he’s trying to move onto another victim. It’s an addiction to them they get their fix and move on. They will NEVER be in a normal healthy relationship because they’re the total opposite to normal and they deserve to have s**t because that’s exactly what they are! I thought mine would beg or come back but he didn’t and you know why that is? I’m too STRONG and I figured him out down to the core so for him there would be no point because I know his game and I wouldn’t fall prey to him again the evil vile creature. Exactly the same with you healthy archive my dear he knows you are worth a billion of him the dirty dirty dirty inhumane vile creature!

[Healthyarchive]

Thank you for your comments. I’ve started reading Fuel & Charmed by HG Tudor, those books are good for getting a fresh look at the n********t & their game plan. I think a part of me feels jealous that I am not being hoovered as if it is some sort of prize. But I know how I felt recently when I thought he might be stalking me, I felt terrified. What I would like is nice, friendly, normal contact, for us to be friends. But I guess he is not like that, a normal friendly bloke so I need to get my head around that.

[Savingmyself]

Hi Ha
Everything that I have read about when they go back and hoover is that it’s not a compliment it means they still think they can use or fool you and the men that don’t Hoover the women is because they knew their game was up and the women was to strong for them so the compliment is in you
I don’t think we should want to be friends with them because then that validates how they treated us was okay
And then they think to themselves see I was not bad she still wants to be my friend .
Big hugs x*x

[Malaya]

What about with their kids? Do you think they can be a rubbish husband but fairly good dad? I hate that he has contact with my son as when he was fully in his life my son suffered low self esteem and confidence issues, since he’s been gone, my son is a different boy, laughing and socialising more.

Can he be a good dad a couple of times a week where he doesn’t have the full time pressure of being a parent? I wonder

Someone on here recommended Zara somebody’s book, I looked up a couple of articles she had written and she quite clearly states they can’t be good parents either

What do you reckon?

[Healthyarchive]

Zari Ballards books are fantastic Malaya. I found her book N********t Free the best in explaining the devastation we feel post split. My ex had a strained relaitonship with his adult son, my ex was controlling towards his son, power & control games. In turn his son did the same to him. They didn’t live close to each other & didnt see each other very often. My ex told me that he would love a closer bond with his son, yet I saw the things that he did to his son. He would ignore his sons calls,deliberately making him wait until he would respond. He would tell lies and let his son down. His son did the same back, it was quite dysfunctional, a battle of wills.

[KIP.]

Hoovering comes when they think there’s a chance you will be his pawn again. That’s why shutting the door firmly in their face and maintaining no contact is the best way to get rid of them but I recognise your feelings about him not pursuing you. I thought if he really cared he would plead guilty and beg for my forgiveness but they don’t have it in them. Believe me HA the last thing you want when you’re recovered is a n****r on your door step. I don’t think you’re far enough along the recovery road. It’s great when you can see they are just not worthy to be in your life. You are too good for them ❤️

[Healthyarchive]

Thanks KIP. X*X I am just watching (television program removed by moderator) (shock, horror!!!) there was a couple on here that reminded me of myself and my ex. the woman had placed a lot of hope in the man, she was basically looking for love and trying to make their relationship nice. He was attractive looking and was on for a lie detector test! She was a single mum with 2 kids, i guess was a bit lonely & isolated and it would have made her happy to have a man. From the look of him he didn’t look like good partner material, too smooth, charming, good looking. I know it shouldn’t be so. It turns out he was cheating on her behind her back. She is devastated as she put her heart and hopes into them. When they results came through he walked off.

I’ve started reading the abuse books again, HG Tudor are great for understanding their ways. I will remind myself of why we actually split. I see examples in the media of couples who are normal and genuinely in love it is so refreshing and nice to see. A couple who were both competing in the Olympics, each of them won gold medals and there were photo’s of them embracing, it was so lovely to see. They are a couple who live together, they look genuinely in love. I am certain there is not one inch of the nastiness that we see on this forum. I hope to have a man who really loves me one day.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Savingmyself, thank you for post it helped me. When I saw the man just walk off when he had been exposed on (detail removed by moderator)(I laugh when I say that!), it was as if the man knew he had been outed so had given up.

For me the rejection and discard is still painful. I think its a bit concentrated right now due to the recent anniversary.

It helps to remind myself that I didn’t want to be his partner anymore and I was sure about that decision and still am. What I would have liked were him to feel sad that he has f**ked up and lost me, say sorry and show me remorse. I would also have liked it for he and I to be adults and possibly even stayed in touch as friends. I could have been a support for him in his ramshackle life as I cared about him and would have liked this. On the Power & Control Wheel one section is about Minimizing, Denying & Blaming: shifting responsibility for the abusive behavour. I think that telling lies will come into this catagory. My ex spread horrible lies about me and everybody gave me the cold shoulder.

[chocolatefudgecake]

I thought having a relationship with my ex was normal, as i thought he was capable of love..turns out i was very wrong.

People like our exes dont deserve good women like ourselves, they should be alone but guess what they dont, they have a way of getting in peoples heads.

[Healthyarchive]

They have a way of getting in our heads but with time,perseverance & determination we can get them out. I am determined my ex will not ruin my life.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I love all this 😊. I’ve started reading that book you recommend healthy archive. My goodness is it a insight into their devious mind! Mine is using mutual friends to find out what’s going on with me. After that incident with my family member and that mutual friend a few weeks ago I realise what’s happening. This so called friend tries to contact me when he doesn’t get a development on my side. I think he’s astonished at how I’ve maintained no contact and he wants to know what I’m up to. Why am I not begging for a chance, why am I not sobbing constantly why have I just cut him out of my life and gone completely quiet? This friend of mine doesn’t ask how I am or how my recovery is because they don’t believe it’s happened. Instead they are trying to get information out of me to get back to him so what I’ve decided now is to block anyone mutual there were only a couple I gave my new number too I did tell my dad is regretted it afterwards but he said not to worry I made it clear to them you tell him anything or give this number on I’ll never talk to you again. I’ve now blocked them both and things feel so much better. You know what healthy I would rather have a real man begging for another chance if we went through a rough patch because then I knew he would have the capability of actually loving me and knowing what he could be losing I would not want that attention from a n********t and neither would you ok!

[Healthyarchive]

Hi Positive, thanks for your post. Yes, I said to myself at the time we split ‘if he really loved, cared for or valued me he would walk over hot coals to try to work it out with me’. He didn’t. I also have always known that relationships about about equality, equal input, sharing, commitment, trying etc. If one person is doing the majority of the giving it just won’t work. That is what happened with me. I read a very good passage this morning in When Love is Lie, by Zari Ballard ‘When we lament over the fact that the N can just give us up at a drop of a hat, we have to remember that all of the things we remember that we did for him were about as abnormal and unnatural as the way he reacted to them. In normal, healthy relationships, one partner doesn’t have to do hardly any of what we do in order to “prove” their love for the other partner. By consistently showing us his n**********c indifference to our very existence, the n**********c partner basically conditions us to jump through hoops if for no other reason than to show him/prove to him that we’re worth loving’. This made me see that the way that I acted when I was with him and the way that he responded was so unequal, it was doomed to fail. I gave EVERYTHING, totally everything, all he gave was words and sex and invites to his family do’s. I did this because I wanted to show him what a great relationship we could have, really great. But a partner as Zari has said shouldn’t be working so hard to make things right. I recently found some details of a trip that I was planning for the two of us. I could see from my scribblings, the real effort that I had put in. He did nothing.

[Author]

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