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Another argument with husband today after I spent money on a good friend for (detail removed by moderator). He thinks I should have checked in with him first and he suggested a (detail removed by moderator), while I’m being more thoughtful. He hates that I’m spending “his” money on stuff. Threatened to cancel my (detail removed by moderator).
I’m at SAHM. This week he has been out (detail removed by moderator) nights in a row while I’ve been home with the kids. He didn’t bother to check with me if I was ok with that but double standards eh.
He’s threatened to leave. Again. Our daughter was in the room, upset at the disagreement. He threatens her with “(detail removed by moderator)” – being the next part of our lives when he decides to throw in the towel on the marriage.
I’ve read Lundy, I know this is most likely a power play. But do they ever decide to leave? If I were him I wouldn’t want to stay in the marriage and he holds all the power, financially speaking. -
Hello DesperateHousewife101,
Thank you for your post, I’m sorry to hear how tough things are feeling for you at the moment. Your husband sounds very financially controlling and emotionally manipulative.
Suggesting you buy less thoughtful gifts for your friends could also be a tactic to distance you from those around you, which is sadly very common in abusive relationships. Financial control and abuse is also a common dynamic, it can be incredibly stressful and exhausting.
In regards to your question about whether abusers ever decide to leave, it’s quite rare for them to do so. Domestic abuse is often about power and control, and once the abuser holds the power (as you mention), this is serving a purpose for them, and is the position they want to be in – therefore they have less inclination to walk away.
This can be difficult to comprehend when the relationship feels to us to be unhappy, turbulent and distressing, and can leave us feeling really confused about our experience of it. But abusers do not desire a healthy relationship, as they don’t believe that both parties are equal.
I hope this helps to make sense of things.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
They might leave if they have the next supply lined up & secured. Otherwise it’s usually a tactic. Saying they’re leaving often triggers our feelings of abandonment or makes us beg them to stay & we end up changing our behaviour instead of them, or it makes them look like the victim. Telling the kids is emotional abuse towards the kids. Once you see and accept they are using us for what we give them (and that’s a really hard step) you see this game clearer. So many of us stay hoping the abuser will leave because they said they would but they rarely do and we have to leave x
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