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Hi I am Denise,
This is my first time on the forum. I have been married to him for (detail removed by Moderator) years. In that time he has cheated on me, physically and emotionally abused me. Controls our finances, only gives me small amounts of money. To everyone else he is charming. Yesterday he was in a terrible mood and started blaming me about everything that is wrong in his life, I tried to speak up for myself and he was screaming f—— c—, I was scared so I got out of the house. Eventually, I nervously went back, not knowing what to expect. He was quiet and now not talking to me. I am a recovered alcoholic,
(I drank to cope) but I don’t know how much more I can take. -
That is a super (removed by Moderator) and controlling person you’re dealing with. I’m sorry you had to be under that bondage with him, you need to take things easy and calm with him so it does not trigger more aggressiveness that might get very physical. While you’re taking things easy, try to make plans on how to get out because it will only get worse.
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It’s good to get your response and no you’re not alone. I will advise you to clear your mind, open a new mind, let go of the drinking, give your life a new chapter and meaning, strat making new plans on how to get out of that horrible treatment .. heal yourself first then start working on your freedom away from him. It might be hard but only you can save you, life is very short and the rest of it is worth living in happiness . There are real men out there who would show you how awesome and fun life is . Don’t spend it with someone who’s definition of life means hell. Sweetheart I am here for you !!!
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Hi Denise, well done in reaching out it’s a really scary thing to do. Have you spoken to your gp about the abuse or contacted a local women’s aid Centre. The more people in authority you tell the less chance his abuse can stay hidden in the dark. My way of getting away eventually was in doing positive things. I cleared out my wardrobes, went through all my paperwork and reduced it as much as I could. I started practicing the law of attraction where I visualised my future, whether it was the day I was leaving or finding the energy to clear out my things. Use the times he’s not speaking to you to your advantage. Read a book, have a bath, anything that takes you away from his miserable face. We automatically try to get them to speak to us even apologising for something we didn’t do, just so they’ll stop the punishment. If you retain your brain from thinking what have I done, to okay he’s in the huff, I’m going to do x,y or z for me, it’ll help calm the butterflies in your tummy
Keep posting and learning as much as you can about domestic abuse. If you can get out of the house and aren’t closely monitored, you could go to the library and get books on da,psychology etc and read them there. I downloaded why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft onto my phone and read it there, it’s available as a free pdf to download, though now I’m on my own I treated myself to a real copy. There’s a point we all reach in abusive relationships when we finally say enough is enough. Everyone’s enough moment is different and you will get to yours. I promise.
Stay strong and try and find ways to cope that are healthy for you. I remember my Dr wanted to give me anti depressants while I was still with my now ex husband and my reply was that I needed to be able to feel what I was going through, so that I’d be able to leave when the time was right for me. Best wishes IWMB đź’žđź’ž -
Hi Denise, well done for reaching out on here, also well done for remaining strong (did you join AA?, I have a friend who is also a recovering alcoholic, my friend drank to numb the effects of abuse, I self medicated at one point during my abusive marriage, it was hard to accept and to get the self control). I am now on antidepressants which have helped my low moods which I am told are down to having PTSD).
You are wt the point where you feel you don’t know how much more you can take… you do not have to take it Denise.. the stress from remaining in an abusive relationship can manifest in physical illness as well as mental health… on the run up to leaving my husband I saw a photo of us (a forced ‘happy family’ day out, the last one, it was awful and I didn’t recognise myself in a photograph .. fast forward a year and me/children are so much better than this time last year… I am zero contact with my ex, he still tries though and I report him each time to the police. The reason I do this is it shows the police my ex’s patterns (I cannot go into detail on this forum as we cannot talk about legal/courts, I am at divorce stage).
My abusive husband could be so nice, charming, kind and thoughtful, he could be a supportive husband and father… it is the nice side which keeps us…
What support do you have? Have you spoken to your GP or Womans Aid?
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Hello Denise
I see your post is a number of weeks old, so I am hoping you are ok, and would encourage you to keep letting out your thoughts and feelings, without judgement here, noone can judge your situation and tell you what to do, you’ve spent too long like that and need your own strength to decide whatever you wish to do. The choices you have are yours alone.
In answer to your original heading, ‘does he want to destroy me?’, I am thinking if you feel this way, then this is what he’s trying to do. Trust to your gut instincts, believe in yourself, these are your protection mechanisms.
As a rule, during abuse, a partner will try to break you down in order to take away any control you may try to have on your own life and decisions, so what you are feeling is reflecting what he’s doing to you.
Do keep talking things through to help your understanding, and I second the recommendation to get the Lundy Bancroft book, and another ‘Living with the Dominator’. Also, if you get chance a really positive thng to do is to reach out to the Freedom programme which run weekly hour or so long sessions with other women suffering abuse. It helps enormously with the understandingof whats going on, and gives you support, and sometimes friendships with the other women there.
warmest wishes
ts
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