Does it ever end?

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My ex partner had been controlling all aspects of my life for so long and I finally managed to get myself and my daughter out. I’ve met with a solicitors and came up with a scenario whereby he still had access to our daughter (removed by moderator).

He has now written back saying (removed by moderator). Our daughter is very young, still a baby and I couldn’t imagine ferrying her off to him every few days. I feel like this is just him controlling me still-I don’t believe he actually wants her (removed by moderator) of the time but he just wants to prove that he can and still have a level of control over me.

He has offered me no money to help support our daughter and has said that he still expects me to contribute towards the house. He is living there and I’m not.

(Detail removed by moderator). I thought that getting out would mean I was away from him and his behaviour but he’s still controlling so many aspects of my life and I don’t feel like it’s ever going to end.

[KIP.]

Take some deep breaths. What he wants isn’t your responsibility any longer. What do you want? He’s going to rant and threaten and be outrageous and throw his teddy out the pram. Just concentrate on the facts and get some good advice from Womensaid and a recommended solicitor. Does he have a solicitor or is he writing these letters himself. If he’s doing it himself he’s going to run up a huge bill for you unless you have legal aid? If he does have a solicitor then they will be advising him. Which he may not like. Most solicitors offer initial free advice. Keep a detailed journal of his behaviour and any texts and emails that prove his behaviour is unacceptable. Talk to your GP about his previous abuse and have it logged. It’s good evidence should you need it. He’s not prepared to step up and financially support his child, wants to take money from you for a property you aren’t even living in, having presumably made you and his child homeless. Can you see how this is looking? These men have a sense of entitlement and it doesn’t end because we leave. He may have bullied you but he can’t bully the law. He’s not ever going to be reasonable and you’re right about him just wanting 50% access because it’s a power grab for him. Practically how can he look after a baby and work?

[Anonymous]

Just two things.

1. File for child maintenance. See CSA website.
2. Contact ‘Surviviing Economic Abuse’. it is a charity. Helpline.

I think most of us on here recognise the number of threats and attempted intimidation that sometimes occurs before court.

To try to stop you getting there. That is the twisted rationale.
Often you will find they not turning up at court. It sounds like it is not the contact he wants but of course the control.

Pick apart the issues regarding the house.
Is it bought or rented?
Have you ensured that your name is no longer on the gas or electric or council tax bills?

Both of the above and other bills you can change yourself without him knowing.

If you have any difficulty with that, lots of companies should be understanding now that people leave due to domestic abuse.

Is your name on the tenancy?

Do you want to go back there?

Is it possible to get an occupation order?

You may have lost sight of what YOU want. We do in these situations, but try to visualise what kind of future you want for yourself and your child?

Is his name on the birth certificate?

Try to find the answers for all these questions one by one. Use a notebook if you have to. And then proceed towards GETTING what you want.

Not what HE wants.
What YOU want and what you consider to be best for your new single parent family going forward.

[Author]

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