Does this count as abuse? second guessing myself.

[Obviouslyabanana]

Historically, neither my husband nor I have been great with money, but in the last (timeframe removed by Moderator), things have gotten bad.

He was off work for a period of time (not his fault), and so we had to take a holiday on both our mortgages. we are now paying again, but the arrears has added a significant sum to the payments each month.

(detail removed by moderator) I recently discovered we are STILL paying for those 2 cars, a fact he hid from me.

He took out a loan (I thought government student, but no, from a bank) to do a course that should have lead to doubling his earnings. except he didn’t do the course, but we are now paying the loan regardless, as its not linked to earnings, so another outgoing.

(detail removed by moderator)

I have asked him repeatedly to take food to work, he claims he ‘can’t’ eat the same thing everyday, and so spends money we don’t have on food daily. This month we cannot cover our bills because its already gone on food. I get free food at work, I barely eat anything at home, to try to save money.

This (timeframe removed by Moderator), I finally made friends with some people who are *just* my friends, not people who were his friends first. He gets very annoyed when I spend any time talking to them, or seeing them. He told me I have to stop talking to them online ‘all the time’ (couple of nights a week), yet he talks to his gaming buddies daily.

I took on extra hours at work a few years back, to help with our finances, at the time he wasn’t working full time, and refused to. Hes now saying I need to get another job on top to pay for everything, but he can’t because his shift pattern is irregular (he is now full time at least). (detail removed by moderator)

 

I feel like I’m nitpicking. I obviously spend money on things too, but I am careful to make sure there’s enough to cover bills, and I’d never take out any kind of long term financial agreement without his agreement first.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I think taking loans and not telling you about them, moving money around or not paying stuff off when you think (or he’s said) that he’s done it, is abuse. Borrowing money under false pretenses is abuse, lack of openness or clarity with anything to do with your shared money is abuse.
Whether spending too much on food at work is I couldn’t say, probably not, but it’s an example that he’s unable or unwilling to take on board consequences for his actions. That shows some difficult personality traits and thinking which may worry you. All I could suggest in that case is to split the money you have left after bills every week and take half of it each. You can then spend your own half as you wish and when it’s gone it’s gone.

Easier said than done though I imagine!

It sounds rough. Do you have any thoughts or feelings about how you are going to manage all this?

[Camel]

Whether or not it’s abuse it can’t go on. You could make an appointment with Citizens Advice for free debt management advice. You should get a credit report first so you have a complete picture. These can be free, look online. You need to be aware of what debt is yours, what is shared and what is his alone.

You say ‘we are paying’ quite often, in relation to debt you didn’t know about. It makes me wonder how your household finances are managed. Do you have separate or joint accounts? Which account are bills paid from? Do you see all the bills? I know you’ve not been good with money but you need to take control. It’s scary but essential and you could set up a plan to be debt free in a few years.

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