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How do you handle someone who doesn’t realise how damaging their behaviour is?
I’ve mentioned to my husband a few times that his behaviour is manipulative and controlling and last week I used the phrase abusive. He was so angry with me and started shouting that I was the abusive and manipulative one and he doesn’t understand how I can be so horrible. Focused only on everything he needs to work on and nothing that I need ti work one
It’s a long story but he says my shortcoming is physical affection. We’ve had a lot of arguments over sex. And even this morning he was upset that his kisses weren’t turning me on even tho he insists he wasn’t trying for sex. And I was like … what. Last night I mentioned that it made me uncomfortable that he asked me for sex a few days ago when I was drunk and he was sober. Just to raise awareness and he turned the whole thing around about how I’ve made him feel awful like he took advantage of me and it’s so clear I don’t love him anymore no matter how hard he tries. He cries and everything and is so insistent that I’m so hurtful. And even when I highlight harmful behaviours he’s like yeah I know I’ve not been the best husband but I’m trying.
It makes me so confused and idk how to handle it. I can’t convince him that he’s done anything wrong and if I do then he flips it and makes it that I’ve also done things wrong and how I’m not trying in the relationship as hard as he is and I clearly don’t want it to work out. I posted recently in the is it abuse forum as well.
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Hi, your partner knows what he is doing as you have told him that you are not happy with certain behaviours of his (sexual coercion, financial coercion from your parents). He isn’t taking responsibility for his actions other than ‘I know I’ve not been the best husband but I am trying’, … how is he trying? What has he done to better himself? These men are great at word salads, where they say words which actually, when broken down, has no meaning.
It classic abuser tactics to expect sex whenever they want and there’s an entitlement to your body. My ex husband did this too and nit made me feel so worthless.
Have you read the book Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven? Also, coming out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is helpful to understand the push/pull of an abusive relationship.
It’s not you, he will not own or take responsibility for his abuse, they never do. He will keep trying to convince you that you are the problem or anyone else other than himself.
Keeping a journal can help with the confusion as your husband is changing the narrative of events which habe happened, he is acting as if he is upset, a victim… it is an act to emotionally manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and is designed to confuse you as he is changing the true narrative of what he has done and hiw it affects you.
Keep posting HFH ❤️
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These men are great at word salads, where they say words which actually, when broken down, has no meaning.
That is so true, look at his actions not his words. He will never accept responsibility for his actions and he will always play the victim. My ex used to cry a lot whenever I pulled him up on stuff, threaten suicide. It’s a way of turning whatever grievance you have back to him being the victim. Somehow they always make it about you again. You said you’re confused and that “I can’t convince him that he’s done anything wrong and if I do then he flips it and makes it that I’ve also done things wrong”. I think this is gaslighting. We all fall short but you are not the problem here!
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