Domestic abuse from my parents

[PurpleFlowers]

Im new to this site. Trying to finally deal with what has been happening for most of my life, but primarily for the past (detail removed by Moderator).
I am a lone parent to my children. On having them was convinced I could not cope, their father walked out as soon as we came from from hospital after the birth of my last. No reason, disappeared, never had a penny from him. I relocated when just days later. Living in the house next to my parents (to which they later knocked in an adjoining door, I came home one weekend to find it there without warning) Feeling isolated and half the way across the country away from friends I had for the past (detail removed by Moderator) years. The help they said they would give me never materialised. I was constantly and perpetually criticised by my Mum. Ground down so much, sleep deprived, watched like a hawk and picked on anything. I felt crazy, like I was a terrible Mum, also dealing with the breakup that I didn’t see coming. I felt worthless and life was very bleak. She ground me down so badly and convinced me I had PDN. Then telling me my children would be taken away from me. I was sent for counselling for PND. Which I was told I didn’t have and that my Mother should be sat there not me.
I had no money and was made to be even more reliant on my parents.
A (detail removed by Moderator) on of being finically abused, bullying. Gas lighting.
My Mum using my children as a weapon and trying her very best to be little me, make me out to be a bad mum, then lavish my children with gifts, trying to win their affection, which works with them.
I had learnt to rise above it and felt like I could get on with my day never the less.
Until (detail removed by Moderator), I was ‘allowed’ out for the first (detail removed by Moderator) in (detail removed by Moderator) years. But returned to a huge fight, it’s not stopped since. Only escalated and spiralled.
Here I am 2 weeks into 2023, feeling trapped, isolated, I can’t see a way out. If I leave I literally have nothing. My parents convinced me to retrain and I now work from home. Im not even sure my children would say they wanted to come with me either now as I can’t give them and spoil them at all. My mum undermines me all the time with them, for instance (detail removed by Moderator) buying them both new school shoes and over riding me and the cheaper ones that I could afford to buy. Making out that I don’t love them enough to spend money on them. For a while I’ve justified her behaviour thinking that it’s saves my money, but it’s not about that. She’s won my children and they really think I am not a good Mum as I can’t give them what Grandma does. They are turned into spoilt kids, been bought computers (detail removed by Moderator) that they have free rein on. I tried to put parental control on them, only to have my Dad screaming at me that I didn’t buy them. So now my (detail removed by Moderator) have the ability to look at anything and everything they like and what ever time they like.
Anything they don’t like me doing to saying they just disappear through the internal door. I am not allowed to go next door. At times if I need them to come back I get told off for shouting etc fir them. I no longer have any control over their behaviour, bedtimes are sabotaged as they just run off, meals are sabotaged as they go and get what they want from next door over eating what I cook. All this is the tip of the iceberg, there is so much more to say, writing it down is too upsetting and hard to even admit, it’s all so wrong.
Please can anyone on here offer me some advice as what to do.
I’ve reached out before to my drs, the health visitor, the school all have documented things that have happened in a timeline.
I’ve never felt string enough to leave before. Also so embarrassed and shocked that I am even in this situation with my parents. They c9me across as the most doting Grandparents, pillars of the community etc, belittle me and tell me they have money I don’t. They will take my children away should I leave etc.
I know if I go then all sorts of lies will be thrown at me which are untrue.
I’ve kept and documented all that’s happened so far this year, text messages, videos of my mum screaming at me, which in turn makes me feel crazy having to live life like it documenting it.
I finally snapped at her (detail removed by Moderator) ago, which I never do as the backlash is just terrible, but finally I feel as though I have some fight and strength in me to try and do something about this. As I said I am just lost with what to do and how to go about anything from here.
Thanks for reading a very small snippet of how my life is.

[yuyu]

Hello, PurpleFlowers. My name is yuyu. I am really sorry to hear that you are in such a tough situation. I am sorry your mum has worn you down so much. I am sorry as well that they took advantage of your situation giving birth like that. None of it is your fault, and awesome job standing up for yourself as well. Your feelings are all very valid.

Would you like to contact the Women’s aid helpline? Also sites like Mind may help signpost you to a good professional service that can help. They may be able to signpost you to legal experts.

I am not very good at advice, but I think if you can reclaim your boundaries from them and gradually separate enough to regain your own space, it may be helpful. But as I am not an expert on your situation, I do not want to give advice that is not helpful to you.

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