Don't get it

[hop]

I read what other women say about abusers just being horrible and hating us and wanting to see us on the ground and it’s not that I disbelieve it I can’t for the life of me fathem out why. Everything is so calculated and subtle that it’s hard for me most of the time to even know it’s happened. My brain’s been hardwired by the situation so much that even after months and months of intensive therapy I still can’t get my head round it. I can’t think that I loved someone so much and they didn’t even like me. I’m having dreams in which all my loved ones hate me and it’s draining me. I feel like everyone’s fell out with me. I’m mixing up real emotions with fake ones from the dreams and I don’t know what to say or do. I can feel them escalating as well. I just don’t know what anyone’s got to gain by making me feel like this. He doesn’t even know how bad it is for me so why does he keep on and on?
I don’t think I can make it through another week. I don’t know how I’ll ever come to terms with the fact someone has done this to me on purpose. Physically and mentally I’m a wreck and I know it’s part of how they get us by pretending the whole time it’s us not them but I think the conditioning went on for too long from my teenage years and I can’t see why it would be deliberate or how all this was for nothing but a deep hatred for me. I feel shocking and I don’t think I even want to make it. Sorry, I know I’m full of self pity and loathing but all I want is for some light bulb moment so I can get on with it instead of feeling like there’s a locked door inside me and no keyhole, let alone a key. I don’t know what to do any more.

[TakingBack]

First of all I’m no expert! And I’m trying to figure out so much myself!
I resonate with some of what you say here. I can never get my head round someone being so intentionally hurtful especially someone I love. Perhaps I just don’t want to believe that they never loved me.

What I think. It isn’t personal . They’re behaviour isn’t about you! You say yourself that you don’t even think at time that this person understands how bad they’ve made you feel … i get that . i really dint think my Lardner understands . From that position is it even intended hate towards you?

I think some people are lost. Most of us going through abusive relationships right now might even understand how that can begin. I think many of us feel lost to ourselves. I think abusers lose sight of reality the whole world can become the enemy and so life becomes a game with winners and losers and they simply don’t want to be the loser

I don’t know how much sense that makes
I know I’m just trying to understand it all myself

I know that before all the emotion and the confusion I’ve been sucked down and spun round in over the last few years
I saw beauty in the world and love and kindness and I refuse to not still believe in that . I don’t believe in hate and I think where it arises it’s about the condition of the person feeling it and it’s a projection. It’s very hard because we catch ourselves apologising or fighting to explain or justify or understand but since it’s not us we simply can’t .

I hope some of this makes sense
I hope some of this might help x

[HunkyDory]

I look at it this way: I don’t think my ex hated me at all. In fact I believe he did love me. But… mine and his interpretation of “love” is totally different.

He thought love was me being wrong all the time, worthy of a kicking if I didn’t toe the line. Him having the freedom to flirt around with other women (and probably more than flirt) whilst I’m questioned and accused of infidelity at every turn. Love was me submitting to and agreeing with him, always. My interpretation was that we are equal, patient, tolerant, encouraging, supportive. Opposite ends of the spectrum.

I honestly don’t think to this day he believes he did anything wrong, it’s just the way abusers minds work.

So the question of him hurting you “on purpose” well it’s all about perspective. He also more than likely doesn’t believe he did any wrong either!

Take care of yourself and think only of healing yourself – that’s the key to recovery. Getting them out of your head takes time and focus – and some self love thrown in there.

I really hope you start to feel better soon. Big hugs xx

[TakingBack]

Ya know reading others experiences on here and talking to others helps with those light bulb moments! I think we hold all our own answers, we’ve just had our own better judgements messed with and screwed about with so much.
Trust your*self
and Yes self love 🙂

thank you!
Welcome back to our own lives,
our own paths x

[hop]

Thanks takingback 💖
It does make sense about there always having to be winners and losers. It’s still like this now. I just don’t think that way I suppose.

[TakingBack]

I don’t think that way either Freedomfries
Love isn’t too opposing sides
it’s meeting with one heart

I feel sad for those who don’t understand that but I’m learning that you can’t show someone else to themselves or make another person understand
and in the end nothing is worth losing yourself for
for the sake of everyone who loves you, you have to take care of your*self first

X

[fizzylem]

When a person feels no one likes me it stems directly from how this person feels about the self, if you dont like yourself you assume others also dont like you – this is called a projection. Problem is, then he comes along and reinforces this, that you are not this and that – that’s when it starts to get complex to unravel. If you have low self esteem anyway, you need love and acceptance from people, only he will never give you this, he will only affirm yes you are worthless.

Just like a child hates, so does he, when he is angry, he ‘reacts’ from his emotions, is out of control, rather than ‘respond’ to his emotions – is in control. He blames everyone else for his feelings and making him feel the way he does, instead of considering what is it that is leaving me feeling this way, what is about me or this situation – he has no sense of personal responsibilty, can not see he is responsible for his own thoughts, feelings and actions.

It often has a lot to do with the attachments we make in early life with our parents, or lack of it.

He likely saw you as inferior and himself as superior, has different rules for himself and for women; it is irrational hatred he feels, because he is incapable of seeing reason, he is a slave to his ego, meaning he has to satisfy himself first and everytime, he has to win at all costs; get what he wants but not what he needs; and yes, he actually takes pleasure in that moment from feeling he is the winner and reigning supreme, has crushed you, you are either with him or against him, however much you try and remove yourself from this position, this is how he sees you and everyone – accepting this is how he is and how he operates is also the way out; this is how we emotionally seperate from him, he does not think like you, you are very different in what you think is love, your motivations, to him life is just a game that he needs to win. Thing is he won’t win anything here, because he can’t love freely. He is unable to experience life to the full because he is a taker, he simply doesnt get that giving feels even better.

[hop]

Thanks you two 💖
Fizzylem that is it exactly.
I need to keep reading over these replies because they make perfect sense but as soon as I think it without your words it’s not quite the same xxxxx

[fizzylem]

Work on you chick, this is what you can do; we can’t do a thing about how he behaves; you will be worn out, low, get anxious, so anything you can do that gets you to feeling ‘I am OK, I can be me, I am content’ is what you’re aiming for, if you keep chipping away you will get there one day x

[Cecile]

The only way I can understand my husbands behaviour to me over the decades is to see it from a perspective that he has never respected me unless I fed his n**********c needs to be reflected in the glory of others, his faults ignored,and his bottomless need for excessive and unfounded praise. When I did not, and do not feed into this he has and does hate me. For example by growing older I lost him the kudos of being with a younger woman so he stopped taking me out. Because I dared to challenge him he deprived me of love, affection and sexual relations. By me developing an older figure he deserved to leer at young women and teenagers. By me not earning enough he had to pay some money to my keep. Plus he was born into a family where the children where each trained to be misogynists and to have the unstated understanding that they can all lose their temper when ever they like. I have to understand that he hates me and because I don’t hate me too, and flatter him and look to him, so he can abuse me and hide huge sums from me, make me sleep on floors and deny me warmth and medical help. The only reason for his behaviour sis that he has decided that he hates me, or rather I deserve to be hated. His entitlement to think and behave this way is his driving force.

[Wisewords]

Hi everyone

My husband literally abandoned me on a night out because I fell over drunk, banged my head and knocked myself unconscious. I very rarely drink. He left me (detail removed by moderator) in a strange place which was also quite remote with no money but there were people I did not know looking after me. He told me the following day I did not have the right to expect him to stay at my side ?? This has completely side bombed me and I left because it was the catalyst. He will not have this is abuse or neglect. He tells me I’m the one that abused him ?? Work that one out !

[Cecile]

I had similar WW. I had a bad accident and sustained multiple severe injuries some months ago. He would not even go to a&Ed with me. He was abusive to me when I got home in need of care. He went on a (detail removed by moderator) holiday to an exotic location after this, effectively abandoning me with little money and two animals to care for. I couldn’t even dress myself. Now I am trying to divorce him and I just heard that he is threatening to take me to court for financial reasons as there is an assumption of non disclosure from me!

Kip is right. The only solution is no contact and no mercy. Boxing gloves off. Go for broke.

[KIP.]

Cecile, whatever he’s accusing you of, you can bet he’s doing it himself. If he’s accusing you of hiding money, huge red flag he’s doing it. If he accuses you of cheating, you can bet he’s cheating/cheated on you. Freedomfries try reading Healing From Hidden Abuse. She explains things really well. I do think they ‘love’ us when we first get together as this is the honeymoon phase but what they do is use this phase to hook us in and then the real nasty side comes out when they’re sure we are trapped. Then it’s all down to power and control at all costs. Then comes the gaslighting, our confusion, the lies, the manipulation and abuse and all the while we are trying desperately go get the man back that we first met. So we change and try harder but nothing we ever do will bring back the man we first met because that’s just a mask he wore, now comes the game he enjoyed and plays like a professional. Use and abuse and destroy and drink the life and soul to make himself feel big and important. They just do not think or behave like we do.

[hop]

I was seriously injured and he made me walk miles, on my own to the hospital. What is with that?

I was his 1st gf kip so how did he know what to do? I grew up in an abusive home so I picked up the way to behave already? I’m going to read that book you suggested. I’m finding it hard to understand trauma bonding and everything at the moment. It’s like I’ve lost a load of cognitive function and….i don’t know……i feel really p****d off with myself for being so dumb. I understood more a few weeks ago but now I don’t get it again. What is wrong with me?…. Do you think it might be because since children’s services were called and he’s being the perfect dad? I just don’t know what the hell has happened to me. I was fine, more fine than I am now anyway, but now……i don’t know…..i just don’t know anything

[siba]

They absolutely can love you and be abusive. In fact with my husband his abuse seemed to stem from insecurity and fear of being alone so all the emotional abuse was to isolate me from others and keep me all to himself and mould me into his perfect version of a wife. He claims he had no idea he was doing what he was doing and the effect it had on me, which I do believe. I think much of it is subconscious. A lot of their abuse is learned from their own parents relationship and how they expect women to behave for them (remember it was only 2 generations ago that the woman did everything in the home and centred her life around the husband’s needs). It comes from their belief system. This by no means excuses the behaviour but it explains it, and it also means it’s incredibly difficult to try to change.

[Author]

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