Don’t know how to cope with this

[JessicaJones]

Been reading a few topics and I am starting to think maybe me being on here is not such a good idea as I feel triggered as hell.
I feel so angry again. I’m angry at all the men/women that are inflicting this hell upon women. I’ve also been having memories of what he did to me.
I am in physical pain as my body is remembering.
I feel so sick.
I am so angry! I want to do bad things to him. I want to make him suffer.
I want everyone to know what he is. I want him to be humiliated. To have nothing. And no one. And nowhere to turn.
How am I supposed to heal when I can’t face talking or thinking about it?
I was thinking of calling the domestic violence helpline to see if there’s anyone I can go and talk to and speak to about all this. Or any support groups I can join.
But now, I just want to block it all off again.
I’m pretty much certain I have ptsd. I need to heal.

[freedomtochoose]

Ok hon. What a brilliant user name. I love Jessica jones.
My therapist early on pointed me towards depictions of people with ptsd in films and amongst everything it is one of the things that really helps me.
kind of getting out of isolation…

I’m going to say I think the anger is a really good thing. And it is part of your healing process.
so many times women like us turn the anger in ourselves (and I’ve done it and do it myself on occasion).

So maybe it is about right now, finding an outlet. Boxing? Gardening? painting? yoga? you know best what you are drawn towards.

I was very heartened by your post today. I have just finished making a complaint at college around not being given reasonable adjustments for my disabilty. I actually couldn’t believe it was upheld but I’m really glad I did it and saw a union rep today as I don’t want this to happen to anyone else.

Basically, the more of us speak out and are empowered, the better it is for everyone else.

I do believe that anger CAN be an incredible creative force.

big hug, and use that anger well.
all best and great to hear from you.
I’m taking a moment to thank all ladies on here – I’ve had some really tough days over the past few weeks.
thanks lovelies, all of you
all best
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

by the way I’m collecting film references for people with ptsd so far I’ve got
the railwayman
Jessica jones
sherlock holmes (Watson)

I know, I really need to get a life…
x

[KIP.]

It’s good that you recognise that you need to reach out for help. Ring the helpline number on here or visit your GP for specialist counselling. I had to pay privately for specialist PTSD counselling. I dipped in and out of this site when I needed it but found the validation I got on here so very helpful. What you’re feeling is natural after being abused. It does sound like PTSD which I still have and can be horrendous. I’m learning to live with it now. It gets easier but you definitely need support x

[JessicaJones]

@Freedomtochoose,
Thanks 🙂
I agree about the anger. I think it can indeed be an incredible creative force. It’s just it gets so, so very intense it scares me. It makes me feel ill.
I have been told by so many people to get a punch bag and/or take up boxing.
I’m going to buy one then see how I like it and maybe start boxing too.
I definitely need an outlet for my anger… haha
I’m glad you were heartened by my other post. Hugs to you too 🙂

@KIP thank you. I have been diagnosed with PTSD last week. Finding it very difficult still but I’ll get there. I’m waiting for therapy On the nhs but not sure how long it’s gonna take to get it.
I have already found the validation helpful.
And as I just said in my other post, thank you both so much. I honestly have felt more validated and understood by just reading your few responses than from anyone else.

[freedomtochoose]

brilliant Jessica.
Approach your therapy critically I would add.
There is little understanding of PTSD in the world of counselling.
Mainy because there are few therapists with lived experience of it.
but some do exist really great to hear your ‘voice’ on here…
all best
ftc
x

[Iwon]

Hi there
I went through the anger and it is better out than in. I used to wait until my little boy visited my ex and would have imaginary fights with him. Shouting all the things at him I couldn’t back then because I was to scared to stand up for myself. I would swear like a trooper and watch myself in the mirror when I told him what I thought of him. I would look into my eyes when I said it. I screamed so much one night my neighbour tried to get in my flat because he thought I was killing someone. You need to be angry I thin for a while. Embrace it. It is your self esteem waking up and expressing itself.

I agree very few councillors for ptsd. X*x

[freedomtochoose]

And don’t forget it is possible to go to the top of a hill top with a group of mates (women) and take turns at screaming at the sky at the injustice in the world…
in a safe environment
all best
ftc
x

[lover of no contact]

Welcome jessicajones to the Forum. Post as much as you need it will help with the anger/outrage feeelings. I remember when my ‘rage feelings’ came up. They were so huge. I could have easily done damage they were so intense, probably years of stuffing down my anger whilst in the cycle of abuse with abuser. Quite overwhelming when the rage came to the fore. How I managed them was to walk, pound the pavement while cursing. This felt great to me because forever being the good girl lol, I rarely cursed. So every profanity and cuss word I could think of I gave vent to whilst toning my body in the process from all the walking, as the anger feelings went on for a while. This is a good form of revenge as well, getting a toned and fit body. The best revenge to an abuser is looking good and living life to the full combined with indifference. Takes a long time to get to there but with healing and No Contact with them we will get to that place.

Another thing I did when my rage surfaced was to use the energy from those feelings to clean the grout in my bathroom. Or to clean house thoroughly. They’re not nice to feel the angry/rage feelings but if I channelled them correctly I could make them work for me in a positive way.

They are also a sign of moving on from the hurt/paralysis/inertia/helplessness feelings, which is progress.

[JessicaJones]

*tw*
Thank you so much all of you. @freedomtochoose, I have done the screaming at the sky thing haha literally… went to the top of a hill and was screaming and shouting and then singing songs dancing about hahaha it was therapeutic…

@iwon yes I’ve done that too lol screaming at myself in the mirror, or walking round the house. I’ve also just punched and kicked the air imagining he’s stood in front me. (I did actually manage to get my hands on him… once… the last time I saw him… it was the most satisfying thing I tell you… I’ll never forget it… in my head I was continuing what I didn’t get to do…)

@lover of no contact exactly. I had to deny my feelings for so long and suppress my rage to survive the situation. So many times I would become enraged, but I knew if I fought back, all it did was make him worse, I knew he’d end up killing me, it was best that I just took it, cause he was so much stronger than me.
Well, when I finally got out of this, I didn’t care anymore, I knew I had to get out and do whatever I could to do it, I thought, if I die I die, I’m gunna die if I stay with him anyway. And I went nuts. I completely lost it with him. All the rage that had been lying dormant just came to the surface and it was… insane.
It came so randomly too, there was a moment. I won’t say exactly what as it would make me identifiable potentially, but one moment where everything just snapped in me, I remembered who I was, I realised what the hell I was doing, the reality of the situation hit me so incredibly hard. And I lost it big time.

It’s a long story anyway. I really want to tell my story now, but it’s so incredibly long and complex and also, I don’t know how I possibly can without it being obvious who I am. It’s an insane story. It’s…. unbelievable.
But I am in that frame of mind again. Where I want to share.

And yes a toned fit body is the best revenge isn’t it just! Haha he would hate that… he’s already jealous in that way… I have started working out, I have set some body goals, thing is my motivation is either like I want to exercise all day for days, or it’s not there at all and all I want to do is nothing.

I cycle, still even after all these months. I either don’t think of him at all, except for the nightmares and the intrusive reminders and flashbacks, which I push away as soon as I can, or…I feel bad. Feel like it was my fault. I was like it earlier.
Just a few hours ago I was thinking, aww, he’s not that bad. He did his best. He was ill and struggling, it’s not his fault. Maybe it is all my fault.
Now, on the other hand, the reality of everything has hit me again. And I’m grateful it has to be honest.
It’s so dangerous. I slip into this delusional state.
All the monstrous things, and they were monstrous, they just vanish from my brain. And I see this good human being.
It’s so messed up!!!
I’ve been in this kind of state of mind for ages now. When I first joined this forum it made me toxicly angry. It made me feel ill. Then, I slipped into this state of just numbness again. Nothing. No feelings. Dead. Asleep. A zombie.
Now, just this evening, I’m starting to come back.
Thank god.
Why do I still go through these cycles!!!
And believe me, this idealised version of him I sometimes have, it’s not accurate at all.
He is not a vulnerable, traumatised man who did his best at all, or someone with anger issues. He is a literal psychopath. He is evil. And he always knows EXACTLY what he’s doing. God. I need to explain to someone.
I’ve been through hell. Absolute hell. And it STILL hasnt been acknowledged by anyone. Except you ladies and you don’t even know the story!
I am so thankful for all of you.
I’ve barely spoken with you and you just get it. It’s so nice I can’t even begin to tell you.

I still didn’t ring womens aid yet. I’m going to tomorrow if they’re open or Monday if not.
I need to speak to someone about this.
There are so many things I need to talk through with someone. I couldn’t before because I was going so crazy everyone just thought I was nuts. And I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t just be calm and rational. It was not possible.
And yes, I use my rage to clean too, it can have the positive effect of making you rather productive can’t it! Haha

[Author]

Posts