Don’t know how to feel

[Shazza]

Does anyone else feel like a million different things at once?
One second i hate him for what he’s doing to me, then the next i feel sorry for him.
He told me recently he hates himself. And since then i feel quite numb and like none of my feelings towards him are valid anymore, or that everyting he has done to me doesnt count cos he is obviously in such a bad place. And now i feel sorry for him and just wish he was happy, and am completely blanking out all he has done to me, especially more recently.
Are any of these feelings normal? Why oh why do i feel sorry for him when he clearly doesnt care about me at all.
I had almost decided to leave. I couldnt quite bring myself to but have started to make plans. And now i just feel so guilty

[Kitkat44]

Yep! Definitely been there. More and more towards dislike now but I’m constantly doubting myself.
Xx

[Shazza]

It is so hard isnt it when we constantly doubt ourselves. Having read everyones replies at least i can see that this appears to be part of the cycle of abuse and im not just going mad

[Pinkvelvet]

Yes completely normal. It’s part of being an empathetic and caring human, and it’s also part of what makes leaving so difficult. My ex was depressed and I was extremely worried about him constantly, and every time he apologised for the abuse and cried about how much he hates himself I’d say ‘it’s okay it’s going to be okay’. But was it okay? No. It wasn’t. And he may very well hate himself but he has reason to – because of what he’s doing to you. I came to realise my ex would never change no matter how many milestones I let pass and excuses I’d create for him. Sometimes you have to let go and let them hit the bottom for them to realise they need help, and they need to change. But most importantly you need to look at yourself and ask if you’re happy in this situation. We only get one life. I ignored all of my own needs and my own mental health and now I’m battling depression, all because of that relationship and it sucks. I should never have neglected myself and sacrificed my soul for someone who didn’t care enough to stop hurting me. Don’t let yourself be fooled by sympathy. You matter too x

[Shazza]

Thank you Pinkvelvet. He doesnt seem to understand that he is in charge of his own happiness, not me, and therefore blames me for how unhappy he is. You are right, it makes leaving so hard as the guilt is so horrible x

[Pinkvelvet]

Completely empathise with you, exactly what my ex did too. I once made the ‘mistake’ of telling him I wasn’t responsible for his happiness and he was not happy about it at all. It’s like they need someone else to blame, they can’t accept the responsibility. The irony is it’s the other way around – he’s making you miserable x

[gettingtired]

Yes I’m struggling with this badly right now. It seems to be a recurring problem holding me back from actually leaving. I don’t see a future with him (marriage and children would be a huge mistake now I know what these men are capable of), I don’t even think I feel ‘love’ towards him anymore yet still I stay. And round and round the cycle goes.
It’s inappropriate guilt we are feeling though. Dr Ramani videos on YouTube may help if you haven’t listened before xx

[Shazza]

Gettingtired i feel the same. I dont love him anymore and dont see a future but dont wish him any harm. If ive tried to talk about it in the pwst he just denies that there are any problems despite how unhappy he clearly is. Though i know now that talking to him about it achieves nothing so ive stopped doing that. I will have a look at the videos thank you

[KIP.]

Absolutely zero contact is what is needed. Abusers are liars and manipulators. Great with words but what do his actions say. Ignore his words and write down his actions. Hating himself because he’s been found out. He can read your moods and act appropriately. When he sees you’re hanging onto the relationship by your finger nails he will change to Mr Nice or Mr Sorry but that’s an act. Google the cycle of abuse.

[Shazza]

Thanks KIP. I have a log which has been helpful tp read back over to remind myself of all he has done i dont like others to be unhappy and it makes it worse that he places the blame for that at my door. Logically i know that isnt right, it still gets to me though

[KIP.]

You’re very vulnerable to his abuse, brain washing and programming and trauma bonding so that’s why zero contact is so important. You’re not thinking straight when you e been abused. You live in a fog of fear Obligation and Guilt.

[nbumblebee]

Oh yes when my husband is in full nasty mode i hate him I feel such anger towards him and myself then when he reins it in when he is loving caring or needy I feel sorry for him feel like im to blame like i should stop all this and just live how he wants us to live. Guilt is what keeps me here.
My guess is that these feelings are all normal and oart of how they can manipulate and abuse us to suit their own needs.
I can see this so ckearly in others posts in yours but to see it in my own life is a different story its so hard living this way thats why I guess the best option is to go but its not as easy as that is it? Xx

[Shazza]

Nbumblebee yes that is exactly how i feel. You are right that it is easier to see it in others. If someone else was telling me my story i would see it clearly but it is so hard when you are living it. And yes the guilt makes me stay most of the time, though i know i need to get out it is so so hard

[nbumblebee]

I have no advice sweetie but know that you are not alone we are all here for you and with you.
Womans aid can also help when you feel you are able to reach out for support.
Take care xx

[AllAdrift]

Absolutely know how you feel!
My ex is so wonderful, loving and kind and has been left by all his ex’s and doesn’t know why. He cries (detail removed by moderator) but loves me to the moon and back. Seemed a lovely man.

But his “mistakes” involve cruel comments and jokes which he swears he never said, doesn’t remember or didn’t mean in a bad way. He tries to confuse me. His comments are often mysogynistic or callous and often sexual. He says he’s changed (detail removed by moderator) (you get what I mean). He says (detail removed by moderator). Work that one out!

Either way it turns my stomach because he’s obviously thinking that way about women. He goes into revolting details too. Then he just changes like Jekyll and Hyde and says (detail removed by moderator). I am stunned.
I just thought he was a bit odd but he was very good to me in every way. Nowadays I tremble inside with fear if he comes near me. He has these rages against objects – if he drops something etc he just bursts into a rage and hits himself. This makes me jump. We haven’t been together long but I am now a bag of nerves. I can see that one day he’ll turn on me.

I have ended it (detail removed by moderator). He is online crying and saying that he’s done nothing wrong. Has he?

None of my other ex’s behaved this way or said some of the disgusting things he’s said to me (he has sexual fantasies about me (detail removed by moderator). He disgusts me even though he’s charming, highly attractive and we have good times together otherwise.
It’s really b****y confusing and I’m now alone and missing him and feeling mean that I have abandoned him. This is mad!
I won’t go back though. I am haunted by some of the things he told me.

So I know how you feel. It’s two extremes of behaviour that in one episode sound not to bad but repeatedly over time tear your emotions of love and hate in opposite directions, making you like a “dog with 2 masters”. You don’t know which way is up.

I am crying and mourning the loss of the wonderful side of him and then reminding myself (with photos of us) when he ruined romantic times out by behaving horribly and killing it for fun. He told me once that he loved me, at candlelit dinner out, then when I replied that I loved him, said(detail removed by moderator). I felt humiliated and tried not to cry there and then. He said I was (detail removed by moderator).

I wish there was a website where we could report these awful men to warn others.

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