Don’t know what to do

[Sungirl]

I’m new here and need some
advice. Sorry this is a long one! My husbands behaviour has changed over the last few months and he has started to take issue with me seeing my family. He has had an issue with my sister and her partner for a few years, and in the past has been spiteful towards my sisters partner e.g. picking on him, making comments, putting him down etc. I would always challenge him and he would say he was only joking, or that he’s an idiot etc. But there is an underlying mean streak there. My sisters partner is a lovely person and has never done anything to warrant my husbands behaviour. My family Have always been very tolerant and have never said anything or risen to my husbands attempts to start arguments. My husband is an argumentative person and enjoys arguments and conflict. He always wants to be right and doesn’t listen or take on board other people’s opinions well. Generally we get on well and love each other, and these issues only occur occasionally. He has had an affair in the past but we attended marriage counselling and worked through this. However I always had a feeling that there were other women, although he strongly denied this. He admitted the affair only after I had found solid evidence, initially denying it and making out I was crazy. Recently he has started having issues when my family come round and will find petty things to complain about e.g. my niece ( who is only (detail removed by moderator) going upstairs, her playing with my daughters toys, my sister not offering to load the dishwasher (when she is a guest) etc he has threatened that he doesn’t want them in our house and now I always feel on edge if they do come round. He also makes comments and questions me if I am going to see them or meet up with them. At times he has also been checking my phone messages and in the past has tried to get me to challenge my sister about things that I don’t feel are an issue. Recently he sent a message on a wider family group chat about them, which was rude and bullying. When I asked him about it he said he wanted to ‘shame’ them. He has also sent my mum an email about my sister, implying my sister has behaved wrongly by asking her to look after her child, and reminding her that she also has ‘other’ grandchildren. He hasn’t told me he has sent these messages. Whenever I try to talk to him about these issues he always gets angry and defensive. He asks me to repeat exactly what he said and to recall when it happened, otherwise he disregards what I am saying. Also he doesn’t listen and interrupts me and then changes the subject to deflect the issue onto them or me. He always has a reason for how he has behaved, and seems to think it’s ok. He has also made up lies, one of them that my parents gave my sister a large sum of money, which they didn’t give us, to help them buy their property. I know for a fact this isn’t true, and told him this but he says I know nothing. I also don’t like the way he talks to our kids. He often shouts and will put them down at times with comments. He says he believes in ‘tough love’ and that I am too soft and don’t know anything about parenting. The last couple of arguments we had he said that I was a bad parent and that I should ‘ go and live with your parents then’. This is not what I want, I want to help him move through his issues, and work together as a team. But I don’t know what else to do. I have tried everything. Is his behaviour abusive? I do feel he is particularly trying to create a rift between me and my family. We all used to get on ok.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi and welcome. Oh he sounds so much like my ex. He always said other family members got money from my parents but what about me, he was only looking out for me. I ended up only seeing my parents during the day but never felt I could tell him. My mum is now dead and I did stand up to him, visited more. He tried to make the funeral arrangements all about him. Anyway fast forward nearly a year later, I’m currently in refuge accommodation, have some contact, just can’t seem to break these final ties 😔 the upside of this virus is I don’t see him at all, though he still phones. I have my own place to move into once restrictions are lifted and will hopefully be able to begin financial distancing. Definitely want to divorce but dont feel ready fir that. Getting finances legally sorted is my priority,he says he doesn’t want a divorce. But tbh its not about what he wants anymore.
Your husbands behaviour is so typical. Wants you all to himself, that way he gets to cut you off from those who truly do have your best interests at heart. Have you contacted WA yet? Do you want to live in your own house or like me you have no sentimental attachment to it.
The initial days weeks and months of realising what our husbands are devastating. Take the time to get emotionally stronger, do whatever you can. I used this time to clear out, things for charity, things fir the bin, photocopied or hid away relevant paperwork, ive even got title deeds. Start journaling his behaviour, I wrote lists and lists of what I needed. Approached leaving like a military operation, all the time still living with him.
Find out what it is you want out of this. Having the husband we fell for isn’t that, he only exists to pull us back in when he thinks he’s losing control over us. Stay safe in all of this.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Sungirl]

Hi thanks for your reply IWMB. I feel so confused at the moment. We also have 3 children and overall he is really good with them. Yes this covid lockdown is a nightmare just can’t get any space. We jointly own our house so I would want to stay in it with the kids. The only option he would have if we split would be to move to his mums, where space is limited. I think I need to get some legal advice about the mortgage and Im worried I won’t be able to afford to pay it by myself. Also one before we hand a big row and I told him to leave. He wanted to take my oldest child and woke him up in the night. I managed to persuade him to leave my son, but it was all really stressful at the time. He can be very difficult I don’t think he would react well to us separating. It very difficult to work out how bad is it? Is it bad enough to separate?

[Anonymous]

Hi Ladies! I am new here as well. I have been through this in my life a few times. One relationship lasting longer than the rest and yes, I have had some lovely men in my life as well. But the last man in my life, made me really look at things I had been avoiding. Or maybe just wasn’t ready to see…. I had to accept the fact that “I” was changing. Scales were lifting off my eyes, I could see things I didn’t see before, I was growing and certain things just were not okay with me anymore. I accepted the fact that I shouldn’t have to negotiate with a bully of any kind. Didn’t have to answer 20 questions, be on trial all the time, didn’t have to do the codependent dance either where the first thing I think about out is “how they are” instead of “how am I?” It’s not selfish to do it the other way round. It’s healthy! He wasn’t physical at all, this last one. He did have a tantrum where he threw something across the room and put his foot through a table but didn’t hit me. At any rate, it’s violence along with all the psychological bullying and manipulation he was doing and I was done. Planned my escape and left.

We second-guess ourselves alot of times because we have given over our rights to our own thoughts and needs to someone else. It’s okay to take them back! And we have made a kind of contract with them over time of slowly agreeing to things and shrinking inside ourselves until we realize we are drowning. I have a very strong-willed nature when I do see what’s up sooo, I just stopped and I mean I stopped with the contract thingie. I was quiet about it, just watched for awhile, taking notes and actually gave myself kudos for being where I was – able to SEE.

I didn’t go round with his circular reasoning anymore. He would start it and I’d just shrug or give a one sentence reply and then I was done. Go argue with a wall but you are not doing it with me. The transference thing is cute, too, where everything they are or are doing they try and make you wear! I learned how to flip that nonsense as soon as it came out of his mouth. Just in my own mind I’d be like ohhhh, there you are!! That’s who YOU are and what YOU are doing. Gotcha!

Then there’s the blame/shame game. I started looking at it like I’m their “voodoo doll” so since they are low on the empathy scale (alot of people like this in my life have absolutely been n*********s) then they will never feel guilt or take responsibility for their actions or feel any shame either. So guess what? They would get out their voodoo doll, me of course, and stick ME so I would feel all that and then they actually feel pleasure over my pain. Weird but that’s how a n********t’s brain is wired. They have to get the monkey off their back and put it on yours asap. My mother was especially good at this one until I removed myself from that whole destructive cycle. Another story for another day…

The confusion? Lovely, lovely thing to see going on when it happens because it’s one of your first and biggest clues here! It’s your own instincts and radar banging on your door and going HELLO???? Anyone in there? It’s you having all this fuzziness and little earthquakes inside yourself Because you smell something is very very wrong. On one hand you are trying to swallow the fake person and on the other hand what they do is who they really ARE. Your confusion is you trying to make the two compatible with each other and they aren’t, never will be. Words and someone’s ability to do something superficially for awhile – isn’t something real and authentic. Going back and forth and being controlling, blaming, constant mind games, gaslighting you and others, etc. IS who they really are. So when we stop trying to make those two things be friends in our own head POOF the confusion goes away. As Dr. Scott Peck says in “People of the Lie” you will know them by the consistency of their inconsistency. Say that one a few times to yourself….is very true.

Getting out, especially when you have children, tied up finances is hard but Bravo to you guys for figuring it out!!! With this last guy, I had to leave everything behind and I did. He wanted to talk talk talk afterwards and I’m like the time for that has passed. Oh just NOW you see you needed to do this or that or how sorry you were about treating me badly? LOL! Uh no. A caring person would have known WHEN they did these things and done something about it THEN not when I have gone. I always laugh about that one. So predictable it’s boring really. If blaming me doesn’t work then he goes into this one. Talk to the hand because the face is no longer listening.

One thing I absolutely know when getting out of whatever relationship with these people is YOU have tremendous power! When you open your mind up to being free, to living a healthy life, to standing up for yourself, to having Peace and to just be free to “be YOU”……..doors start opening. It’s weird but it happens. I think as long as we go round and round, second guessing ourselves, making excuses for them, beating ourselves up we literally can’t see any doors if they were there.

People would ask me, so what in the world do you think you’re going to do now??? I’d just smile and go, I don’t know but I’m not taking this anymore, that’s for sure. The minute, the second that I said that and really meant it – doors started opening. I can’t even begin to tell you guys how things would literally fall in my lap or I would bump into it. I had to really decide to stop going round in circles in the cornfield and just start walking a straight line out. I’ve done that literally before. LOL! Scary, it was getting dark and I was lost in there but I walked out…

Sometimes we just have to be at home in our own power and realize we can shake, rattle and ROLL!! I’ve had the pleasure of knowing many abuse victims who finally got themselves all fluffed up in this regard and rocked it! Wayyy too wonderful to watch! Them getting all full of their bad selves and taking back their life and their liveliness. Life is too short of all this, isn’t it? And if one solution to a problem doesn’t work, throw it aside and pick up another one! One thing women are is – resourceful. We just have to power it up! Look in the mirror today and try and hold the gaze and just tell yourself as many things about “you” that you love. Even if it’s just one, that’s fine. Doing it every day is a thought!

[Sungirl]

Wow Braelyn thanks for that reply, it was so uplifting! I am going to keep coming back and reading these replies as I always slip back into the flow and everything dies down for a while. Then I make excuses and start to just tell
Myself to just get on with life and try to be happy. But I see now though that that’s not really working, as I’m really unhappy in this relationship. But I do feel that I am seeing things slightly differently now, it’s just hard I think trying to accept. And also to make the decision, as it seems so scary as there’s so much to work out.

[Iwantmeback]

That was a brilliant reply.@Braelynn straight from the hip. and I loved the positivity of it. Ive taken some words from it too, going to use them when the time comes🤭🤭
IWMB 💞💞

[Anonymous]

Hi Sungirl and IWMB!!! Awwww, so glad it was helpful to you guys. Hugs! I’m older now, (removed by moderator) soon and I’ve been through the war a few times. The only one I stayed way too long with was this last one and it was because he was so very brilliant and talented. As long as I supported him with his writing and artwork then all was well. We rarely fought. He would have his dark moods at times which drove me nuts. He wouldn’t even look at me, talk to me, etc. Then he’d pop out of it and all was well again. I’d ask him why he did this and he’d say, I don’t know, I’m fine now. I could elaborate on why that was with him but that is neither here nor there. It was negatively affecting me but I just said oh well, no one’s perfect and off we go.

When things changed and I moved to his country of origin, which meant I no longer had health insurance, the ability to get a job, etc., and we were living off of my life savings – things drastically changed. The clock was ticking for him. He was supposed to support me, his job when we were getting ready to move was to take care of all the things regarding my work visa, etc. I did other things. He said he knew the lay of the land and not to worry, all would be well. I could get free health ins. there, etc. Since he was such a brainiac and had been through this moving from another country before back to his country with a new wife, I figured he did know what to do and left him to it.

But guess what? He didn’t do any of it and there I was, no job, no real way to get one and no health insurance. Moving back would have been horrendous for me. And it would mean I spent the last of my money on that and left him high and dry. He refused to get a job, btw. He was too smart for that. LOL! But he had a history of that one if I’d red the warning signs. He never held a real job for long, didn’t play well with others. I wrote all that off to him being an artist and a writer.

So, I had to just get to that place finally, was having health problems largely due to stress, and just decided – not having it anymore, I don’t care what I have to do. Yes, it will be ugly but not like I haven’t done similar things before. I had no real friends there, save “one”, who was actually and IS a big civil rights woman that I met when we went to a meeting of some kind and she was the speaker. We immediately hit it off and kept in touch.

AWESOME human being!!! One day after I had called a friend of mine in my home country and said, I’m in a really bad way here, I don’t know what I am going to do, very dark place and she said, if you want to come home, I will pay for airfare, pick you up and you can live with me. I said really??? Was stunned because we really weren’t that close. I thought about it. Called my other friend where I was at and she said, I will come pick you up and you can stay a few days with me before getting on your plane so you settle down here. She saw I was a nervous wreck as well.

I called both at a pay phone every time I talked to them. I stopped using “our only” computer in the apartment which he dominated most of the time, so nothing to see there and while he did have a job at the time (for a quick two months before he was fired) I went through my things and packed, putting everything in my closet. It was extremely hard for me to leave my pets. Broke my heart but there was NO way I could have taken them so I had to say goodbye. Everything in that apartment was mine. The vehicle was mine. Had to put it in his name because ins. for me was too expensive. See how that worked out well for him? Want me to go to work, I need a car….and of course I wanted him to go to work, right?

Off I went. Flew home. Stayed with my friend and her family which was really difficult in some ways. But it was okay, she was quite distant but she always really was with me. LOL! That was fine, she did a very kind thing for me and left me to doing what I needed to do for a time. He, of course, flipped out! Was emailing me like crazy, wanted to talk to me on her phone since I didn’t have one yet and she finally said, no, he can’t do that. I told him to stop calling her and he finally did. He then sent endless emails saying how sorry he was, he knew he treated me poorly and I got things off my chest and fired back. He finally stopped. He knew the gig was up and I meant what I said…..NO MORE.

So yes, it was extremely difficult to come to the point of leaving. It was hard to forgive myself for staying as long as I did. But if you were around him, you’d see how charming he could be, how well traveled and intelligent, funny even. He loved to hear himself talk. LOL! But when I surveyed how I had changed being around him, how little by little he succeeded with his passive aggressive put downs, how he withheld real intimacy and then when I was in his home country I figured out some relationships he had had with friends and family and guess what? He had used all of them as well. He was very strategic in his own right regarding using me. He knew all the strings to pull and he pulled them.

I just didn’t like me anymore, who I had become and I had to make that very hard decision knowing that I would have to start all over again at an older age here, not fun…….. But I did it. My health was not good so I was looking at a heart attack or worse. I am okay though. I would have been better if I’d told him to leave and never gone to his country. My life savings wouldn’t be gone. My things wouldn’t be gone. But I have ME back and that’s the most important thing. I had to live in two women’s shelters which was interesting but I did it. I made some friends there, we had good times! But it was hard. I had to walk everywhere I went or catch the bus. And no one wanted to hire someone “over qualified” and my age.

Presently, I am good. I worked it all out. I am doing some writing of my own. I have always been a writer myself but doing more of it now. Yes, it all looks so scary when taking the first step if that’s what you need to do but it’s never as bad as you can imagine it to be. What we assume in our own fearful state is always twice as bad. You just have to know that above all else here, YOU ARE very important here and your children. If you aren’t doing well, they aren’t doing well. And hey, we all make mistakes! The biggest mistake is to keep making the same one! LOL! Get spunky in your own head and just say – Not having it anymore! I WILL figure out a way to get me back. I WILL. The journey is interesting too. I learned alot about myself. A good teaching experience. For one, I learned that I “bounce”. Not broken, just bent. I laugh alot at myself. You can find me tippy toes up in the flowerbed every now and then, examining my navel but the world always looks more interesting upside down. Not sure why that is…. It’s the thing of having a different perspective I think. One reason I used to climb trees when I was younger. A bit like Robin Williams in The Dead Poets Society when he had them climb up on their desks. Go to the mountaintop ladies and look at the overall picture. We get too close up sometimes. Sorry this was so long. I type fast. 🙂

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Braelynn – I HAVE ME BACK – those are the words that resonate with all of us who have left. One of the reasons I chose my name – I WANT ME BACK. I’m a decade younger than you, definitely lived too. Yes they are so charming, so thoughtful, so kind. One of the reasons I fell for my husband was the way he went out of his way to help older people, now I know it was fir what he could get out of them and the language he’d use was so derogatory. Definitely not the man I fell for 🙄 I totally agree that we learn so much about ourselves, I actually like me, would like me to be my friend. Have never thought that before not even when I was younger. Would have been told I was too far up myself 🤭
I’m loving your posts, your sense of humor shines through. Never lose it.
IWMB 💞💞

[Anonymous]

IWMB!! Brilliant!! Ah yes…….the old charmer routine….yawn….borriinnggg to me now. I see it flying in someone, male or female and I just observe them. You’re not getting into MY close circle that’s for sure! LOL! But interesting to watch somewhat if I don’t need to pick an ingrown toenail or something! I so bad…yes, my humor is up and running most of the time, eh!? Love your name by the way but pretty sure you have your “me” back, yes?

Self love is soooo important!!! Warts and all! I’m a pretty awesome human being and I love myself as well. Totally good friend but I have to constantly bring myself into accountability about being a good friend “to me”. Doing what is healthy and good “for me”. Not quite as natural as it should be but, I’m a little bent in that department but like I say – not broken.

The thing too that is interesting about these people who are so self-absorbed and entitled is people who are not all that at all – don’t rush you, feel no need to charm you at all because for one – they have their own boundaries, are relatively comfortable with themselves and hold themselves accountable. They take time to get to know you. Their charm is genuine and might not make you feel all giddy like you just got blasted by something ( and you did….) but you know what I mean. They don’t wallop you with it and slime you.

Anything that looks like a neon light show – usually IS just that – a show. I like peeling the onion with someone. Allowing them to show me themselves as they see fit. Warts and all, too, btw. And doing it in slow doses. Give and take. I use this analogy sometimes and yes, I use it myself frequently, you might like it…

I like word pictures. LOL! So consider yourself to be like an estate. You have your house, your grounds and the long road to your place of sanctuary.

Of course the road is a way into where you “live”……..so of course it needs to be loooonnnggggg, not quick.

Therefore we don’t tell charmers “what to be” really quickly. Because they are listening, intently. We actually tell them – what kind of disguise to design for “just you”! Doesn’t that make us feel oh so special? It shouldn’t…but it does initially. We quickly tell them our hurts, how our mind works, what we feel, what we need and they become all that we think we want and need…….”temporarily”.

So, less is always more in the beginning…Thus the looonnnggg road to our estate. Never forget YOU are interviewing Them, not the other way round. I say that when advising someone interviewing for a job. Don’t just be the one that has to give answers here. YOU are interviewing THEM!

They get to the gatehouse from the loooonnnnggg road. Hopefully that doesn’t take less than 24 hours. I suggest weeks, months, draw it out. Because if you have a charmer on your hands, they will get frustrated that you don’t get sucked into their web quickly and if you are standing back and not engaging in sex and entrapment of any kind then they will weigh out whether they want to keep on with you or not. Watch for their signs here. Sometimes they are something like – ohhh, well maybe you are not the person for me, I have other women, blah, blah. Oh okay. Off you go then! B’bye. I am shopping as well.

But do have a gatehouse which to me is comprised of good trusted friends and family who you introduce them to. Hopefully you have a few of those who are not easily charmed because we all know how that works. They charm them and then use them – against you later…. YOU are the crazy one because they are “so lovely”.

LISTEN to the wise ones in your inner circle and counsel. Because if let in, the charming bully will want to cut ties from you to them very quickly. They are dangerous to their agenda.

Then you let them into your front yard, maybe have some tea and biscuits. And then that’s that. No, you can’t go straight to my bedroom, sorry bout that. Let time be your best friend. make them wait as any gentleman would have NO problem doing………

Then onto the front porch where you may do more than a movie or tea, or little outing. Maybe I visit with “your” inner circle of friends and/or family..? Again, you are interviewing as well, not just them. At this point if not before actually, do a background check on them, a good one. It’s easy these days…

Check yourself in regards to – how much do I really really know about this person other than what they are telling me and how do I verify it?

Then onto the living room. That’s where you watch how he mingles with your family/friend. You watch, you listen….. Watching him and watching their response…..

To the kitchen, the heart of the house. This is when you might introduce your children… but only if they have passed muster so far. Even then, cautiously. Watch your children’s response to them and if they are without a father figure then know that they are desperate for a father like figure in their life and you are their guardian about all that. Absolutely NO quick anything with him towards them. No presents, No alone time, nothing.

And if the bedroom time comes then it should be after all these other rooms are gone through. Even then, do know that once you have sex with someone, your mind does become clouded towards them somewhat. So there is good reason for a bit of chastity and waiting here before you get cloudy… I have seen soo many women who are ready to leave, all clear headed and then they go back and have sex and talk with their abuser and then they are back to – square one again…

Make TIME your friend… No hurry, no rush. Make them wait. Talk less, listen much. Observe. If they resist that, then bring the boundaries in tighter and push back with a longer time period. Predatory people will have a hard time wanting to waste their energies on something isn’t quick. Never, ever forget that one.

[Sungirl]

So interesting reading your posts, I wish I had your confidence and wisdom! I just feel so trapped and that my husband just doesn’t get me. It’s all about him. We just had another argument, partly triggered by me as I was testing the waters on something, but then he just goes off in the same usual
rant. But now I’ve started to not respond as much, which I think confused him. And then He had the cheek to come and hug me and say he knows I’m upset, but then before I could
Give my side he twists everything and gives
me this “imagine if you were in my shoes and xyz happened how would you feel?”. That’s another thing that he does with me and with other people, what is that all about? And the example he gave wasn’t even a fair comparison, so it didn’t even make any sense?? I’m just so frustrated. And then I just end up agreeing to his comparison, as it was accurate on its own, but not as a comparison. And then I guess, does he think he has won that argument?

[Anonymous]

What is “that” thing he does? LOL! Oh I will be so happy to enlighten you. It’s him turning it all around to him and his feelings. Concentrate on ME because I AM all that matters. There doesn’t need to be any arguments with him at all. He will always do circular reasoning, transference, gaslighting…….it’s a pattern now, yes? See it and don’t fall for it anymore. When you are confident you don’t argue. And confident in your case means, I see what I see, believe what I see and won’t be fooled anymore. End of. My confidence? Well….I was born with a certain amount of it, true enough however, I’ve had me legs blasted out from under me a few times however, I’m quite certain of a few facts in life. When I can check myself and say – are you okay and the answer is No, I don’t always assign blame to me for being the reason. Ok, fine I allowed whatever but as soon as I see that one – everything changes. Oh okay I say – I’ve allowed this, won’t anymore, shaking you off like a bad case of fleas and no, I won’t discuss things with you if all you do is turn it around to it being my fault and it’s all about your feelings and your needs! Good belly laugh on that one! Afraid not.

He wants to exhaust you going round and round the tree here until you are so confused you don’t know whether you are coming or going, doubt yourself and then agree to whatever because you are just so tired and confused. Wise? not so much. That’s where he wants you. Give him NOTHING!

Don’t round and round. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. And I think about time he was confused, eh? He can’t figure you out here. You are changing your behavior. Good!!! Keep it that way. He’s looking for an “in”, a way to manipulate and get you going. Don’t give it to him. You have immense freedom inside your own head unless you give someone the access code. So just don’t.

And it’s not a game, not a who’s right and wrong war, not to see if he will magically change now. It’s about you seeing patterns. Knowing that if he changes it has nothing whatsoever to do with you. It has everything to do with his own code. And if he had one, he would have done differently by now, right? I mean he has kept going on and on with hurting you and what? Not knowing, not feeling he was hurting you, not seeing it? Of course he did. Had nothing to do with you other than you allowing it. Had everything to do with he would do what he wanted at the expense of you. People who are worth your salt will always “know” when they do something against you and will make it right and own it. Those who don’t, you don’t need in your life.

I shouldn’t have to give a person a roadmap or classes on how to do that. They either get it or they don’t. I have been to the counseling sessions with people like this and it’s a hoot. They only ever wanted to blame me, twist things around and in the end just not show up for the sessions at all if my therapist was a good one and took him to task. But I knew all that going in, I guess I just needed to see “more proof”. Kind of a waste of energy but I got my proof. Up front and personal. And guess what? We make new cells every day, we change every day in our makeup. So what if one day we wake up and go OH WOW, I’m a new and improved version of me!!? I like it!! I always think I should wear a sign around my neck when this happens warning people… LOL! But allow yourself to grow and to learn and evolve and change. It’s dangerous to sit in the mud puddle and brood or be afraid. You have power!! Use it!!

Look at it like this maybe……..if you are going to buy a house, a car, make a financial investment……or hire a nanny, would you be doing what you are doing with this man? If these people gave you all these warning signals, messed you about all the time, if you were interviewing someone would you – give them the time of day if they acted like this? I hope not. So what if we are just now doing a proper interview? We’re doing it now!!! Your checklist has changed about what you want and won’t allow. Good!!!

Forgive yourself!! Shake it off!! Really make him confused and be your original self here who’s going to act in a pro-active manner for herself and not going to telegraph him about how you think or have the need to argue with him. Pull the rug out from under his feet for a change! I see that fiery person in you, I do. She’s there, very much so. Use that fire…….at a low constant flame to do what’s best for you and don’t engage with his crazymaking and circular reasoning. Sound good?

[Sungirl]

Yes circular reasoning, that’s what it called I guess. I’ve been reading about gaslighting, I’ve recognised that. I’ll take note of these, thanks. I just need to work on myself a bit and make a plan I think.

[Iwantmeback]

It’s lovely to read how strong you’re becoming @Sungirl .
You’re doing so well. 💞💞

[Sungirl]

Thanks Iwantmeback, it’s different each day. I do feel more
Positive today though. Its a bit overwhelming trying to think about all the plans e.g.when is the right time (obviously not now due to lockdown and no one can go anywhere), where is he going to live, what to tell the kids etc. Trying to keep busy today round the house and not dwell on it too much. Also what do you tell people?

[Sungirl]

So I’m
Not feeling so strong today. Confronted my husband about some emails from another women. He denied anything had hAppened and I did believe him. He’s been sulking for a couple of days and when I asked him about this he then went off on the rant about my family again. I’ve noticed each time he does, he brings in another event from the past, sometimes these things are over 15 years ago. How when my parents met one of my sisters boyfriends they were overjoyed and when they met him they weren’t so enthusiastic. Is that even a thing to complain about? This was about 17 years ago? And how he was sulking because I got upset about a ‘joke’ he made about my mum, which was actually rude and in front of the kids, and then he had a go at me for buying something for my mum. He just confuses me every time, am I being over sensitive?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi no you’re not being over sensitive, what he’s doing is distracting you from what’s important here, him and emails to other women. Getting you confused is classic abusive behaviour, stops you remembering what you were worrying about in the first place. You’re inner radar isn’t wrong. He’s given you the silent treatment, so that in future you’ll know that if you question anything he does you’ll know you’ve got more of the same to look forward to. It’s an old form of torture, withdrawing social contact. Oh they hold grudges alright, wonder if he says he doesn’t, mine said that but his actions proved the opposite.
You’re doing really well in questioning his behaviour now, even if it’s just with yourself, always question.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Sungirl]

Thanks IWMB yes he holds grudges ALL the time, and not just with me but with other people and situations in his life as well. Gosh I feel like some fog is lifting and I’m just seeing everything differently and noticing things I did notice before. I knew about emotional abuse before but not how complex it is. I just feel so sad that this is happening to me and it has been going on for such a long time I think! How could I not have realised it before. I’m just feeling on edge now all the time. Xx

[Iwantmeback]

Start making your plans of escape. Now is a perfect time to have a clearout, does clothes, books etc. Start shredding paperwork,get birth certificate and any other certificates in one place, take copies on your tablet/phone if it’s something you know he’ll notice missing. Make a list of what you can’t fo without, stuff can easily be replaced.
The sadness can be overwhelming, be prepared yo not be able to do anything, even self care. Somedays I struggled to even brush my teeth. Looked like the stereotypical bag lady, doesn’t help that my hair has a mind of it’s own.
Remember this is not your fault, he’s abused you, abused your trust, your love. Look up coercion, gaslighting, projection, mirroring. Its complex alright.
You’re doing great, things will work out. Have you looked into LOA, laws of attraction. Ive practiced it for a good few years now, always tried to do right by others. A firm believer in do wrong it’ll come back at you threefold.
Once you start to see you can’t unsee.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Anonymous]

So glad you are seeing all this now. Popping out of the round-about and fog is necessary and it is affirming because now you can see his hands all in it. Up to his elbows actually. Once you are away from him you will hate this kind of behavior and noise like nails on a chalkboard. And it will be so poisonous to you that you’ll recoil with repulsion. IWMB is right. Spot on, time to plan. It felt really good when I planned. I got a rush of I-don’t-have-to-take-it-anymore going on in my head. I have to say I did stick my tongue out at him behind his back alot… but you have to watch reflections in glass and mirrors! I wouldn’t even go round with him at all then. Ignored him. Did the basics so not to arouse suspicion but no winding me up, wasn’t interested. I was getting out and that was that. My energy needed to be used for me, not him.

Be very clear and not confused about him deflecting, transferring, doing circular reasoning, being moody…it’s all little weapons used so you don’t wake up. OOPS! Too late for that one. You’re awake now! Get your life back girlfriend!

[Sungirl]

Thanks guys, I am finding this forum so helpful.

[Author]

Posts