Don’t leave unless you are 100% that your baby will be protected too

[Courage157]

I wrote to this forum previously, i left my husband a total of (detail removed by moderator)times after putting up with emotional psychological and financial abuse. 3rd time I left was when he refused to let myself and my baby leave, locking us in for (detail removed by moderator) hours.

After years of seeking advice through netmums, women’s aid after I left called the police who did nothing to interview him (detail removed by moderator) even though the first police officer was wonderful.

I left, and because I left he lied and said I was fleeing the country with my (age removed by moderator)yr old. Took me to court on a without notice basis. I am British, born here, family here, ties here, the judge saw it as an excuse to take me to court but because the country he said I was fleeing too was not in the h convention the judge kept the PSO in place so I can’t leave the country without permission until our hearing is over. His control over me continueS

He has money, hired a good legal team, I don’t. I fled to stay with my mother.

In short, I feel betrayed by being told to leave him, why? Because I was the one protecting my son from him and his controlling narcassistic family who are all hostile towards me.

What happened? I had a legal team who are not my voice, any abuse was brushed aside by cafcass, no fact finding was ordered because it wouldn’t make a difference to the contact. Initially my ex was given supervised access but the reports were flawed, myself and other mums saw how the contact centre covered up for the dads and only when my friend changed to another that was more professional she saw the truth behind the reports. (detail removed by moderator)

So the judge (detail removed by moderator)allowed my ex to have u supervised access to my son, he is (age removed by moderator) and is being emotionally damaged as I give him clean with his lunch and he comes back to me a mess, (detail removed by moderator) upset stomach, twice sick down his top. My little boy has to endure (detail removed by moderator) them without me now. My ex’s mother is a controlling bully who thinks she is above everyone and who to this day bad mouths me (I never did anything wrong they just didn’t like me the moment they found out I was Mediterranean background (born here). They are English. So the judges don’t seem to care about protecting our babies, I have another hearing soon and am dreading it because my story and voice has not been heard,(detail removed by moderator) He is a long standing cannabis user (detail removed by moderator), he got away with testing as his legal team advised him to stop (detail removed by moderator) so he was clear. My story is too long to tell u all but all I can say is think carefully about leaving, I feel like now I am forced to hand my son over (u don’t mind his father seeing him for a day but overnights are an issue with me). My ex is a mummy’s boy and mid (detail removed by moderator)and his mother babies him even though she is old. He cannot look after my son and I don’t want them to look after him for me.

I feel like mothers rights have been taken away. It should not be as clear as 50/50 parental rights. If your abuser u should not be entitled to that right. (detail removed by moderator). My ex never cared before yet now with his family behind him are after my son to get back at me.

I just want u to know my experience.

[Serenity]

Hi Courage,

Big hugs to you.

There is one important thing you haven’t mentioned. The fact that if you were still there, in close proximity, you would have gradually been weakened and destroyed.

Now, you can choose mom intact and you can choose distance. Especially if the contact is formalised, you won’t need to communicate much with them, if at all.

It is hard, I know. I am in a similar situation. My youngest comes back from his dad’s exhausted, with tummy aches. He’s been made to walk miles. He often wants a day off school the next day to recover.

But I can see that both my boys love being here at home, rather than scared and controlled with him. My eldest now doesn’t want to see his dad barely at all, my youngest is gradually seeing the light.

Firstly, you must record everything. Even if Cafcass ignored your concerns last time, my guess is that your ex will slip up
Sooner or later. See I dot, remember that separating from him means that you have the opportunity now to become free and string, and you have all it takes to give your son all the love he needs and to teach him to grow up being loving and even to stand up for himself.

If you had’t separated, you wouldn’t have the opportunities that are now possible for you both. You can counteract his evil, you can beat him at his own game eventually by playing the long game, waiting for the right moment to prove his abuse. Your son doesn’t have to hold his injuries in his heart, hidden- you can speak to him about everything in an open yet careful way. You are miles more powerful than your abuser. Believe it.

[Courage157]

Hello Serenity. Thank you 🙁 I read your message and I cried. I am not in a good place at the moment. I am so sad, I think to myself that I have never hurt anyone in my life, everyone has always hurt me. I feel like I anti trusting and an idiot. Right now I can’t think about the next hearing as I get anxiety, but because I don’t have the proper support from my solicitors I think everything feels a lot worse.

I feel like I can’t see happiness, I feel like I I have missed looking after my son how every parent should do focusing on them 100% instead I have good and bad days and I act happy around my son but inside I am in so much pain. My son is very young, (removed by moderator). He is vulnerable hence why I wanted to wait until he can come home and tell me what they do to him.

It made me happy knowing that when they are older they will see and make a decision themselves. I came from a broken home. Parents divorced when (removed by moderator) and I know first hand how hard it is. I didn’t want that for my son but you are right, everyone noticed me and my health was going. I started to get really scared being there, I wasn’t comfortable being around him. I would go see my mum but rush back before he got home and pretend I didn’t go out anywhere. I was going mad I think being there. I am a strong person but even now I just have really low days where I feel no one can get me out of this dark place 🙁

Thank you for your kind words. Just by reading that it woke me up. I need to keep positive but I am finding it hard 🙁
X

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Courage, I really feel for especially as your son is so little still. I have some very serious worries about my children having access at the moment but at least they are closer to being able to stand up for themselves. It hurts so much to be unable to protect our babies. I’m not in a good place myself to offer anything more encouraging tonight but Serenity is absolutely right. Hugs x

[Courage157]

I wish I could send you the biggest hug. I hope that one day we will all be truely happy. It is like are freedom has been taken away. Bring back mothers rights! X

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