Double edged celebration

[Eve1]

We’ve had a family milestone recently which has meant looking back at photos and video from when I was still with my abuser. (And also for a few minutes he was present and I could hear his voice until I removed myself.) It was lovely in one way to see the children small but it left me really experiencing how I felt back then and knowing that I was literally nothing to him, and my self and voice did not count and I feel so sad for me. I can see how I did not feel I had any worth either and he and his family reinforced this. It shows me how I just had no fight to get myself any security after divorce, which is something I have to have a conversation with myself with every day still, many many years later.
I was happy on the day of the event as I was able to provide a celebration of sorts for this close family member and they had a lovely day. But because I’ve got time I suppose, it’s brought up exactly how I used to feel back then with him, how utterly under his control I was back then. I can’t even describe what it felt like. I’m trying to remind myself how free I am now, to feel my own feelings and think my own thoughts. I’ve spent 2 days watching rubbish tv, I think to avoid these difficult feelings. So I’m writing on here to get it out a bit. I have recently spoken to a WA worker who said I could ring her if needed so I might do that on Monday if I’m continuing to dwell. I still never know when the after effects of that abusive marriage will hit me, even long after

Thank you for listening

Eve

[Wants To Help]

Hi Eve,

It’s good that you have written your thoughts down on here. You have expressed your feelings really clearly and I think it’s great that you can acknowledge them.

There are lots of triggers in life that can set off our emotions, be it happy ones or sad ones. Have you ever had counselling for what you went through? Sometimes it’s just so important to talk to someone who understands. Definitely give the helpline a call on Monday and have a chat.

Best wishes

[Anonymous]

Triggers are horrible. Puts you right back there. PTSD most likely. You should ring her up, I would but you still have us here so talk your head off, we’re listening. One thing that helps is to have a voice inside you that talks back to these feelings saying things like the following…

I do acknowledge me back then, see it, feel it but this is only an echo and I don’t have to touch it. It can come in on one side of my screen and I will let it go out the other side without touching it and pulling it back into me again.

That was me then, this is me now.

Good to see how far I’ve come!

I will not blame me now for what happened then. I was a victim, crippled and shackled until I got myself free and I am free now! I celebrate the fact that I did that for myself!

I can grieve now about it and that’s okay and necessary and may take the sting out of any future triggers since my reactions like this may mean poison still needs to be allowed to drain out.

At the very same time I am going to constantly remind myself of how I can grieve and celebrate at the same time because of where I am – right now.

Grieving can take years Eve. And that’s fine, doing it a little at a time relieves us. And it’s loving ourselves as well. We can integrate that wounded part of ourself back into the whole and not lock her up in a room somewhere. I am the same way when I look at some of my own pictures. Might just be you need some time to reflect and to lay that former you to rest now and remind yourself how much you loved yourself because you did, you got out!

[Eve1]

Thank you both very much.

WTH, I’ve had some counselling a few years ago it wasn’t specifically for DV but I spoke about it quite a bit and the counsellor was very empathetic. My local WA have put me on their list for counselling which is great but obviously, a long wait now. I think it could be really useful even so many years on

Braelynn, that is a lovely reply. I can take so much from it. It’s useful to think that you can grieve but by bit.

I feel your support helping to lift me up. It’s invaluable.

Love
Eve
x

[Anonymous]

Keep talking Eve….you have a ton to get out. Slapping it up on the wall so you can see it in print and getting feedback is invaluable and so many women here have much much help for you. Half the time just us getting it out enables us to fix it ourselves. (Detail removed by moderator) but it’s not always that we want them to fix it, we just want it out there so we can hear it. We usually problem solve it by ourselves. Of course, we do need good feedback when we need it right? I call it emotional throwup. It’s necessary. Then I can pick through the bits and go OH that’s where my other earring went! Must have lost it in my sleep and sucked it up when snoring!

[Author]

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