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I’m having so many conflicting feelings at the moment and am full of doubt as to whether I did the right thing by leaving.
I miss him and I don’t understand why.
Why do I miss someone who has treated me like I am nothing and has made me feel like I am worthless and treated me in such horrible ways.
All my brain keeps going back to are the good times cos we did have good times. And I’m sitting thinking of all the things that we wont be able to do together anymore as a family. All the traditions we used to do. And I’m feeling so sad about those things. We were together for such a long time and it feels alien to me to think of these things without him being there. I’m really struggling with it and feeling guilty that he won’t be part of these things anymore. I can’t stop thinking how sad he must be feeling about that stuff and the things he will miss out on with our daughter.
Who am I to have taken her away from him and to be preventing him from seeing her as much as he would like to. I feel so selfish that she is based with me and that he’s missing out on day to day things. Though I know she wouldn’t want to stay with him. I just feel like if I was back there at least she would see her dad more and he would be more a part of her life.
Part of me wants to run back and undo the decision I made when I decided to leave.
My brain is telling me I made a massively wrong decision and rushed into it. Maybe I was too impulsive, maybe I didn’t give him enough chances to change and to treat me better. Maybe I didn’t communicate how his actions were making me feel. Maybe this is all my fault. I feel such immense guilt for leaving him after such a long time of being together. He must feel so lost as well and that is all my fault.
Maybe he is right and I caused all this and he was just reacting to a situation that I somehow caused.
I’ve left my home behind and am freaking out about what a massive decision that was. Maybe I am not entitled to anything like he says cos I am the one that made the decision to leave.
I feel like such a massive screw up and I’m worried that he is right when he says I am messing up our daughters life with my selfishness. I don’t know what I am doing anymore, I feel so confused. I can’t tell if these are even my own thoughts or if they have come from him 😢 -
Hi Shazza
its a difficult place to be, you didn’t want things to end, just for the abuse to stop.
but…when you are feeling sad for him, perhaps spare some/many thoughts and much time for yourself and your children here, who have only been forced into this position because he spared no thoughts, zero consideration, for how he terrified and harmed all of you, all in the name of being the boss of you all.
You are of course going to suffer the pains of the love you had for him, but be sure in knowing this much, he doesn’t suffer the same pains, he was the cause of your pain, and that of your children, and he didn’t care, if he really had cared, he would have left himself because thepain he caused would have caused gross guilt, and pain in him. It didn’t. He left you all to cry and suffer. This is the only reason its come to this point. Not because of lack of love on your part, but on his.
Your survival and thriving post abuse depends on you knowing how hard you tried despite everything he threw at you, the pain. You couldn’t have done more, and at some point, need to let go of it being all about him. This is about you, and how its ok to walk away from that, feel the pain of letting go and moving forward, deserving more, better, for you all.
What you describe, absolutely sounds like his thoughts, and this is the core of why you have to be apart, because you lose your own mind, surrendered to theirs.
It will take some time, but you came here to express your confusions, and I hope you will continue to, so that you can start to see straight again, to know who you are, and to know that you had to do this for you and for your child. Whatever his thoughts are,they need locking out, you are not with him, and have left him behind, focus on prioritising you, what you think, how you feel and what you need. Your priority is to bring some happiness to your life, as a happy mum makes for happy children. Get all the support you can, and focus on you. You matter and this is your life.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you twisted sister. All that you have written makes complete sense. I just don’t know how to actually do it. I find it so hard not to have feelings of care towards him despite knowing deep down that he clearly doesn’t care a bit about me. But I still can’t make myself stop caring and I want to I really do as it would be so much easier.
Maybe I need to feel it all and work through it somehow but not act on those feelings of care.
You are right, if he was that bothered about either of us he would put us first and he would have left. I just feel sorry for him and I don’t know how to stop that.
When I really think about it the thought of going back repulses me, but the initial reaction I have to those feelings is just to go back and make all these feelings go away.
I feel such guilt at the thought of putting myself first which I guess is the result if being with him.
Thank you for reaching out x*x
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Could it be almost like grief? Like you are mourning the loss of the life you couldve shouldve had? The life maybe you did have at times? Maybe you are seeing and remembering the nice parts the calmer days and not thinking of those dark days that led you to leaving? When we grieve we alow ourselves to morn that loss to be sad to feel alone maybe thats what you need? To allow yourself time to grieve over the loss of your relationship time to heal to cry but to also gain new strength new positives.
Is there anyone you can talk too? Dont try to do this alone you need love and support to help you through this.
What you did was brave and amazing and you did it for you and your children you did it to live a life you both deserve that takes such strength im not suprised you are now feeling like this. But never doubt never doubt why you did it deep down you know what he did to you was wrong and he left you no other choice He left you no other choice its on him not you.
Sending you much love n hugs. X*x-
Thank you nbumblebee. I think you might be right, I do feel like I am grieving in a way. Grieving for what we once had, Grieving for the life and home I thought we would all share and the future that I thought we would have. I just feel so so sad. Maybe this is grief. I don’t know what to do with it and all these emotions.
I will talk to my therapist when I see them later this week, last time I just spent the whole session sobbing at them. I guess it’s good to release it somewhere.
I’m struggling to reach out to others, I’ve really withdrawn into myself and seem stuck inside my own head now.
Thank you so much for your kind words xx -
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Hey Shazza, you were with him for a long time, you trusted him, loved him and were bonded to him, in some ways you may still be bonded to him as that bond, no matter how painful, it runs deep and gets mixed up with all the abuse.. the good times, the future you would’ve been planning eventually… all of it is a lot to let go of.
It is because of his abuse, his treatment of you and your child that you separated. The reason you are where you are is because of his awful treatment of you. Your child doesn’t want to see him, he will use wanting to see your child as an excuse, he will claim how unfair you are being on him and your child… he will not admit to his abuse, that he continued, he will not acknowledge how much you put up with, how hard you tried to make it work. What did he do to make a difference? How has he changed his life? This is on him not you.
Your child is safer with you. It is so hard where you are with all those feelings of guilt, self doubt etc…. that’s all normal and part of the journey as incredibly painful as it is your ex doesn’t feel the same way you do Shazza, he will manipulate you into feeling sorry for him.
Keep moving forward, you have done nothing to feel bad about, you have done the opposite and got away from him and now you are navigating moving forward with you and your child.Imagine what Christmas 2022 would be like if you went back 🤔 he would show extra control as you dared to leave him and up the abuse to show you how he is in charge, he would punish you and possibly work on turning your child against you (mine tried this with our youngest). He will not be feeling sad lost Shazza, he will be looking to get back and put himself firmly in charge.
Keep moving forward, baby steps, hour by hour… remind yourself of the abuse as he didn’t stop, that’s why you left and to keep you and your daughter safe ❤
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I really appreciate these replies as they make so much sense, thank you.
He hasn’t done one single thing to change, not even to improve access to seeing his daughter more, which I can’t understand as I would do anything for her and he cant seem to do things that would improve their relationship that he claims to want so much.
I know deep down she is safer with me as he can barely look after her physical needs and doesn’t meet any of her emotional needs and that’s without all the other issues he has. I just don’t want her to grow up thinking uts my fault that she doesnt have a good relationship with him. He makes me feel responsible by telling me I’m not doing enough.
I think I forget that he won’t be having the same feelings of guilt as I do. I imagine him as this poor injured thing that needs help so feel guilty that I’m not helping him, but I need to remember that he won’t even be thinking about how I’m feeling.
Right now I really am taking things hour by hour, I hope I pick myself back up soon.
Thank you for your reply x*x
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