Doubts

[Confusedmumma]

I have been with my husband for many years, we have children. I’ve never been with anyone else. As far as I knew he hadn’t either. It should have been the fairytale story, it pretty much was other than he always had a bit of a viscous tongue but the last (timeframe removed by Moderator) years it got bad, daily verbal abuse, putting me down, compulsive lying, being glued to his locked down phone and even randomly hiding things in the house. I then discovered that he had been speaking with s*x workers online for the majority if not all of our relationship, leaving very graphic reviews of meets that took place and viewing other people’s reviews on a daily basis, this also coincided with an alleged p*rn / virtual world addiction that came to light at the same time. Unfortunately I have found texts and emails before but way before kids and marriage, I chose to forgive and I thought it was left in the past.

 

Since the discovery, he has taken steps to seek counselling (joint with me and individual) and seems to be very remorseful about what he did now that he has lost everything, I am receiving regular apologies. I can see he is really trying but I can also see glimpses of the behaviour coming through still, I understand that changes don’t happen overnight though.

 

We are separated currently and I have said that at the moment I can’t see past what has happened nor can I see a world where we can make things work as I see him differently and still don’t believe I know everything but equally this break up has me so broken and I can’t help feeling I should give him a chance to show his regret is real and permanent changes have been made. What if I regret not trying and pulling my family unit apart.  What if I regret staying, if he hasn’t knocked the unacceptable behaviour on the head and it’s all a big manipulation to get me back. I don’t know what life is without him by my side. He swears he never actually met the s*x workers and is very convincing when making these claims but the evidence shows otherwise.

 

Has anyone else been in a similar boat to this? I really don’t know what to do 😔

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Hi Confusedmumma

Im having some thoughts about my own situation and I’ll share them because some bits of it may be relevant to what you’re going through too.

my ex took on a victim stance very early on. At first I was just outraged by it and couldn’t conceivably imagine how he could not see that he was the abuser.

it really annoyed me. The victim stance was increasingly interrupted with bouts of nastiness and verbal and mental abuse though and so it didn’t really fool me. Seemed to still fool him though, which was a bit weird. How you can confidently hold the victim stance while shouting abuse at someone is a miracle to behold…but he did it.

Since then the belief that he’s the victim has really bedded in and now I’m convinced that what he’s doing is re writing the story of what happened. Ready to take it with him forward into his next stage of life.

He won’t go forward in truth. As a man who destroyed his relationship through his horrible behavior. No. I can hear the new narrative being crafted.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

He kind of rewrites the story on the fly. If he gets a bad or cynical reaction from someone, they’re either dismissed immediately and out of hand, or he takes it on board and adapts the narrative to compensate for this weakness or flaw in it.

it’s pretty obvious that part of rewriting history is so that he believes it too. He is persuading himself that this is the truth. Things that don’t fit in are conveniently forgotten.
The weird bit of it is, is that I’m finding this the most difficult moment. Just when I should be really free and seeing him for who and what he is. I’m finding myself drawn into this fairy tale. There’s no other word for it. It’s a fiction.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Part of the pain for me, is that I know that once he’s finished crafting this work of fiction, he will march  forward into the world with it ( I think it will serve as a kind of shield).
He will tell his story with such confidence that everyone except the women like us ( and even some of them) will believe him. Rush to help him (“poor guy! He’s so lovely, how could she? Why would she leave him, look he’s so heartbroken!”) and his march into the future will be great.
While I’m here, too broken to trust, too devastated to try, too hurt to ask for help, too nervous to tell my story.

Thats what really gets me about it at the moment.
I don’t know whether it’s relevant to where you are. But he’s trying very very hard to get me back. Like yours is.

Ill tell you my honest belief though. He only wants me back so that he can prove that he was right all along and then dump me in his own time. When it suits him. When he has someone new lined up to move on with.
Lies. Does a liar ever stop telling lies?
Did the lies that your husband told you at the beginning ( when you said there were problems but he promised that was in the past) ever stop? Or did he just learn to tell a better story to hide them.

For me, this place I’ve been left in is so painful, that I do want to believe his fictional version of events. I really do. It  is so much prettier than the reality.
Can it all just go away? Can we just agree with their narrative and make it all better?

[Confusedmumma]

I’m so sorry to read that you’re going through this. Your story has really validated my feelings as I too have noticed that he is trying to re-write what happened to twist it and make me look like the crazy lady villain! And I have also had the thought that he is trying to win me back to then dump me down the line on his terms and when he has a new supply so to hear that someone else has had this thought is validation, thank you.

[Confusedmumma]

It’s like they almost believe their lies though, right? They’re so convincing. Mine was doing inappropriate things online and swears a very convincing argument that he never met these people however the evidence I have suggests otherwise.

mine also victimises himself and I hate it as I can’t handle causing anyone pain even if they’ve broken me, the feeling of guilt is so intense and it’s crazy because why am I the one feeling guilty after what he did to me and our family unit?!

[Confusedmumma]

I have no idea if his lies at the beginning stopped as I never checked up on him until I had good reason to recently and my mind almost exploded with what I found. I’m still in shock now and not sure I even know everything still.

I hope we both find the strength to move forward happily and strong. I hope we can find ourselves and live an amazing life without them and even one day maybe we’ll find someone who’ll treat us right. I don’t feel until that final point comes I’ll get over this fully and see it for what it is

[EvenSerpentsShine]

It’s only been quite recently that I found out about the cycle of abuse, but, of course, as soon as I read about it, so much fell into place. Like a eureka moment.

But even though I know that it’s what happens, I still don’t know exactly what happens in the time when he’s changing from love bombing and being nice to me, and moves into the next batch of vitriol. What happens there?
My explanation at the minute, for what it’s worth is that during the love bombing phase they don’t actually accept any responsibility for how they’ve behaved at all. They don’t think they did anything wrong at all, they don’t care how we feel, they don’t intend to change because they don’t believe that they need to. They just overlayer with nice words etc to get us back on side, and we hear in those nice words what WE WANT to hear. We believe that that is an understanding of how we were hurt and an endeavor to change, but it’s not. Maybe if we really listen to what they’re saying, instead of hearing what we want to hear, it may sound different?

Its just guesswork because actually I don’t know what happens in those inevitable moments when they revert right back to abusiveness.

[Author]

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