Dragged down by guilt again

[itwillbeokay]

So my husband hasn’t seen our children in months and I’ve not heard a thing from him in weeks and weeks since I said only use email (and blocked him and my in laws phone numbers) and you need to organise safe regular visits with both children through a solicitor. I’ve heard nothing although he may well be texting and not knowing I won’t be getting them. But no arrangements to see the children. I feel horrible about it but I’m getting on with our new life and it feels good. Life is infinitely lighter. I’m so confused as maybe it was all even more insidious than I realised. I don’t understand or know him at all after loving him so much for so long.

Then (detail removed by moderator) a parcel addressed to the children. My mother in laws handwriting. Bam, I’m anxious fearful down guilty sad scared and defeated. And I hadn’t even opened it at that point. I had to take it round to my sisters. She opened it. There was a card and some really lovely thoughtfully selected clothes and shoes in there for them. Card said (detail removed by moderator)

Ugh. Feel sick to my stomach at what I must be doing to them but I couldn’t send our children unsupervised to them when my husbands behaviour and feelings towards me had deteriorated so obviously and his messages were so unpredictable and volatile, I just don’t feel it’s safe anymore. And at that point he just disappeared and didn’t bother to pursue seeing them in the way I said. And yet I still feel overwhelmed and weighted down by guilt even though marriages fail every day, for less than this, and people still manage to have a relationship with their children. Hate this horrible feeling in my heart and head and stomach holding me back in my new lighter less toxic life.

xx

[KIP.]

Toxic is the word you need to remember. If I was in his position I would move heaven and earth to see my children. But you are not dealing with reasonable people. His mother is in a position where she could encourage the correct channels to arrange supervised visits but it’s easier to try to manipulate and guilt trip you. Something I read always stayed with me. When we carry the guilt, they dont have to. So don’t carry his guilt or her guilt. It’s not yours to carry. This is why zero contact is so important. Any contact is toxic. She couldn’t help herself. Having a swipe. She could just have sent the things and wished you all well.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree. Its sad for the kids and in essence your ex but these men just don’t have the ability to parent their children. It’s a very harsh fact but is true. It’s facing up to this that hard. What his mother did was a tactic to emotionally blackmail you. It’s true if your in tensions were in good faith you’d do everything in your power to see your kids. If that meant going to a contact centre, taking contact very slowly for the sake of the kids and yourself. I personally would get help go to AA whatever it took. Normal descent people would show empathy. But unfortunately abusive men don’t possess that and thats jyst how they are. It’s a choice I had to make too. Do I encourage contact so my daughter had a better sense of identity and a better knowledge of relationships or do I protect her from abuse? I realised after trying to facilitate contact he wasn’t going to be able to give her that anyway.There’s no question i saw in the end that it was my duty as her mum to protect her.I also decided to put my guilt and fear to the side, to think logically about what was best in the long run. It was for me his responsibilt over his right. There was only one road I could take, once the penny drops the only way forward is to stop contact. If you think about it he already has. X*x

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you both so so much. Honestly I really need to read words of support like this tonight. I feel horrible yet again. And so confused and like I don’t even know what I want or what’s best anymore it’s all so messed up. But I do know that our lives are simply better. Much better. I don’t even know why anymore, I just know I am me again and we do things and have fun and see family and friends and supportive non-toxic people who want the best for us and the atmosphere is light and I don’t feel hypervigilant all the time about the next round of whatever. I can’t even say the word. Still. I just block it out mostly. I have cried at my counselling for the past few weeks and know I will tomorrow so it’s always there bubbling under a very happy exterior.

He has stopped contact. I feel so weird that I have no idea where my husband and best friend and father of my precious children even is or what he’s doing, how he’s doing. He simply isn’t a part of our lives at the moment but the feeling of what’s next is always there.

I feel like the parcel is a guilt trip or a manipulation. But then I think I have no right to feel that as they are their grandchildren who they are also not currently seeing. Sigh. I can never quite wrap my brain around any of it fully.

Xx

[Iwon]

Congratulations on taking the step to freedom. I am (detail removed by moderator) years out and encouraged contact with our child even though he and his family continued to cause me problems. His family are as deluded as him. Deny all abuse. If I could go back now the first time he refused contact I would have said great.

My child is a little brainwashed and confused (detail removed by moderator). He does a lot of parent alienation about me. Our child lives with me and has child alternate weekends. He has a phone I have provided so he can talk to him or be called by him whenever. He calls child fat. Tells him he will never have a good job. He questions him about me constantly. Looking for anything he can tcritisize me for. I have not spoken to him in (detail removed by moderator) years. Purely text or email. If he is a child’s events I blank him like he isn’t there. He continued with his rubbish after the seperation and the only reason it is less is because I will not converse.

I have just sat listening to my child (detail removed by moderator) years after and daddy said you stole his house. Daddy said you broke up our family. Daddy said you were seeing other men when you were married.he takes his phone off child so he and his family can brainwash him. He can’t hurt me so he wants to damage mom and child relationship. He still accused me of doing things to him.

I haven’t spoken to him in (detail removed by moderator) years and never will. He is toxic and o should have disappeared and made it really hard to see his dad. I should have protected him but I wanted him to have a fad.

I made a decision tonight. I blocked him on son’s phone and am going to do a sticky for child the next few visits. I can’t take his dad away now but I can limit the damage. If he can’t be bothered he has given you a gift grab it x

[itwillbeokay]

Wow. Just wow. I’m so sorry for your difficulties. Thank you so much for sharing such a clear picture of what can and does happen. Do you know I can totally imagine this as my mother in law used to regularly call my husband fat in such a mean way (she had a real problem with “fat” people, they weren’t!!) and would put him down about his work and actually in the end he was unemployed and not being paid for work he did and so was his brother! This really hit home to me so thank you. I really hope you can limit the damage. You sound so strong but I understand how hard it all is. You sound so strong on the no contact too. I feel better since blocking all of them but bad about it. But he has email. Just choosing not to use it even though he emailed me only a few weeks ago.

I now have the card and parcel hanging over my head like a deadweight. If they weren’t blocked I would be about to receive passive aggressive messages about not saying thank you etc. I may post a plain blank care saying thank you for their parcel. A photo of them? Whatever I do they will twist. But they are entitled to their upset over not seeing them I guess. It all just confuses me so much.

xx

[KIP.]

Please don’t send anything. Don’t open up the lines of communication. You are inviting them to further abuse you. Read the post from Iwon again. I’m now mostly estranged from my adult son because of his fathers brainwashing. My exes family are just as bad or worse. Please don’t engage with them. They may be biologically linked but that doesn’t make them decent trustworthy people.

[Iwantmeback]

Hello iwon, you have done blo..y brilliant in getting out and staying out😀my OH treated my son terribly, so much so he went to live with his father as did his sister previously. He too was told he’d not amount to anything, he was told to read books instead of being on his play station, thank goodness he actually liked reading. The thing is, my son had no self esteem whatever, he can’t hold down a job because he doesnt know how to handle criticism, is supposed to attend a counsellor but don’t know if he goes, his own dad didn’t understand how it affected him, so he’s basically continued with being abusive as well. I rarely see my Son or his son because of my oh.
He too had a phone in which to contact eitherc his dad or me. It was taken of him as punishment so he couldn’t speak to his dad or sister. I think if you can(cos it’s not easy) try and try to get your son away from their influences. I dont know if I’ll ever have any relationship with my son at all😢😢

IWMB 💕💕

[Anonymous]

Safe not sorry
Supporting the campaign for safer child contact
Key issues raised by research on child contact and domestic violence
Dr Ravi Thiara and Dr Christine Harrison
Centre for the Study of Safety and Wellbeing
University of Warwick 2016

Hi, Have a read, this is evidence based research. It is horrible but (removed by moderator) fathers drive a wedge between mother and child relationships intentionally. It happened to me but I didn’t let it happen for a second time. The damage is irreversible xx

[itwillbeokay]

It’s very scary.

How do I get over the feeling I’m being rude and trying to alienate them by not doing what I would always do usually which is thank someone. Maybe I could get the children to draw something?! The whole situation makes me so fearful as maybe I’m wrong about them all and they aren’t trying to do anything other than make contact, send them some clothes, tell me they miss them. Which I’m sure they do.

[Anonymous]

Hi, It is scarey I was a total wreck dealing with him and his family. Are his folks ok? I just think it’s their way of making you break the email contact only. Once you break that I honestly think then they will bombard you with guilt trips.your then back to square one. I don’t know what your in laws are like but mine were just the same as him, his mum was a bit of bully. I think you need to be vigilant because it sounds like minimisation. If it proceeds to court they might turn round and say well you were willing to communicate back and forth so why can’t we be normal again. The problem is your not abusive but your dealing with someone who sounds like he is. I don’t know if that makes sense. If they’re crazy makers don’t give them fuel for the fire. I’m civil and polite to people when I know they won’t throw it back in my face. I truly think this will happen if you open up the lines of communication again. Maybe he can’t afford to take you to court? Xx DIY

[KIP.]

Doing nothing is an option. Leave it a week and see how you feel then with a fresh head and no contact. I think you will feel differently. All you’re doing is thanking her for emotionally abusing you. Read your post again about why you can’t send your children to them. There will be a transition time for everyone involved. The main thing is the children are safe and have stability and continuity. You’re not saying no never. You’re taking much needed time out from the situation.

[itwillbeokay]

No not really. Covert narc, emotional abuser I think, like him, mother in law. Father in law has borne the brunt too I think. I think that’s why my husband and brother in law are like they are but I don’t know for sure. He’s an emotional bully and I guess she is too but we’ve always got on fine until I left, now I’m evil number one.

I don’t know what to do. I’m definitely not unblocking or emailing as I know that will restart the horrible messages. That’s why I thought post a card. Then I’ve not ignored, I’ve thanked but it doesn’t open anything up.

I haven’t even read the card but I know the contents. My counsellor got rid of it for me earlier. I feel silly being so triggered by so many things, like I’m being dramatic. It’s awful.

xx

[Anonymous]

Hey, your not being dramatic, theses triggers are natural and we all feel this. I certainly do to this day. When I got letters through even from the legal aid board just discussing funding etc I freaked out totally. We’ve all been through such alot.Give yourself time, intend to knee jerk but I try to control it now. She sounds the same, and remember she brought him up. Take a step back you can afford to right now. You’ll get stronger as time goes on x*x

[Anonymous]

I tend I’m sorry xx

[Anonymous]

Hi itwillbeokay,

I was thinking reading this back that you need to be easy on your self because 1 your grieving for the loss of your partner and 2 your having to now shift your feeling to going against him. Its getting past this grief that stopping you from seeing how to approach this. As an outsider I would say him not getting in touch actually goes in your favour. It dosen’t seem like that but if you have to prove this its sends a clear message of what his in tentions are and of his lack of commitment.That paints a picture already.Professionals see this everyday in the working life. I have a feeling his mum might be a driving force if he takes this further. Somehow I don’t think anything will happen for a long time. In the mean time id grey wall them unless its a court letter. Start writing everything down in a journal and get as much support as you can. GP, WA, friends get them to put anything they witnessed down on paper and sign it xx DIY Be prepared just incase xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hello itwillbeokay, i agree with kip regarding wait a week or so and then go back to this. The parcel had come out of the blue. If you even think your in laws were background abusers, that’s enough reason to not contact them.
I had a brilliant relationship with mine, if I’d been able to continue that relationship i would have but both my ex and current partner couldn’t allow that. I eventually believed my OH that if i loved him I’d have nothing to do with them😢oh what a tangled web they weave!
DIY gives really good advice too regarding the bit about him NOT getting in touch, professionals need to see the facts, it’s what they deal in(its that bit that’s the hardest when you’re trying to explain about an emotional abuser there is no hard concrete facts to go on).
You’re basically a kind generous person and in a normal relationship breakdown, in laws access wouldn’t be an issue.
Trust in yourself and your own judgement. Listen to your inner self, (it’s what gets us into the messes we do, cos we ignore her so much😏😏)
IWMB 💕💕

[Anonymous]

HI, Im banging on but actually the longer contact is not going ahead the harder it is to reinstate for the sake of the kids. That’s your loop hole for safe contact ie supervised at a contact centre. If it dosent go well your not doing it on your own the staff are there to support any decisions made especially with regards to how the kids feel about going. There are ways around this, I promise. xx DIY

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you very much for all this helpful advice, I really appreciate it and will refer back. Regularly! Ugh the guilt and self doubt and ruminating, it’s exhausting.

xx

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