Draining friendships that make you feel bad

[SunshineRainflower]

I realised that one of the things that made me vulnerable to my abuser was being very lonely and wanting companionship. I have struggled making and maintaining new friendships over the past few years despite trying new activities. My old school friends have always tried to maintain contact with me and I’ve recently reconnected with them, but I feel uncomfortable about socialising with them because in the past I stopped seeing them as they have said and done some really hurtful mean things to me.

For example they commented on my weight saying I’d lost it implying I used to be heavier, one of them told me I should stop eating a certain food so I wouldnt get fat and says other women have let themselves go, another made sarcastic comments about me living with my parents and is disapproving of my career change, another always seems perpetually jealous of me despite the fact that she is beautiful, talented, has a lovely partner, works in the field she loves and is wealthy. Once I invited them all around, went to a lot of trouble and baked cakes and at the last minute they all just ditched me saying they couldn’t be bothered to travel to my house. And I’ve realised that I am a bit scared/intimidated by the person I thought was my best friend in the group because she often tries to control and bully me then gets angry or blames me or goes silent and frosty if I don’t do what she wants. I never know where I stand with her and always feel like I’ve done something wrong to offend her, it gets me down.

I was meant to meet up with them this weekend but I’ve started feeling anxious that they’ll comment on my weight again or say mean b****y things. I just have no interest in being around people like this anymore but I also worry that I am isolating myself and that I’ll get really lonely again?

I feel that I need to be around people who support me, care about me, understand me, validate me and don’t judge me. It’s better to be alone than with friends who make you feel anxious isn’t it?

I feel so confused how the only people who seem to want to be my friends are people who are quite toxic and negative to be around. I think it’s probably best if I keep trying new social activities and try to connect with new people there rather than continue to socialise with people who make me feel bad. I made this decision in the past and stopped socialising with these women but struggled to make new friends hence why I returned to them, a bit like a lonely woman returning to an abuser. I feel quite stuck and would love to create a life where I have only good, kind friends and don’t need to spend time with people who make me feel bad but I’m not sure how to create such a life?

[fizzylem]

Feeling lonely is pants for sure, but yes being made to feel bad about yourself is much worse. I’ve got used to spending time on my own more so now, it can feel like I’m savouring the peace sometimes, I’m happy to lie low while I recover, having fewer relationships feels easier to manage for now. It also helps knowing this is my choice. But it sounds like you want more now, more fun and interaction with others.

I decided a few years ago that life is way too short to spend time with anyone who isn’t kind. I’ve discovered that there really are folk out there like this, who don’t feel the need to get one up on me, who just want to enjoy life and others, are compassionate and can be there without judgement. Keep looking.

Failing that kill em all with kindness! I take esteem from being with those who gossip or who say unkind things (mostly the playground mums) by thinking to myself, I’m not like you, nor do I want to be, I’m me and that is a person who is always kind and considerate, especially in the face of those who are not. I know these behaviours doesn’t leave anyone feeling good about themselves really, so if I witness this it leaves me feeling quite sorry for the person.

You cant change these people, but you can stop reacting to them if you start to notice how you feel, which you are doing right now, when you feel this way, try to use the wrenching hurt feeling as a flag, a flag that tells you ‘I can now decide how to respond’; be you, be real, true, speak with kindness and respect, use humour if you can, but do say what you need to say. You may even teach them a thing or two, make them question what they are doing as a result. Rise above – set the example, feel proud of who you are x

[Anewbreath]

Since leaving my abuser I’ve noticed lots of toxic relationships in my life. Alot of them being family. So I’m in the process of building boundaries that protect me. I just cant stomach any more toxic behaviour, I’d rather spend my time alone, which then can leave me sometimes lonely. But I prefer being alone to spending my time with people who dont respect me the way I would like or understand me. Of course no one is perfect, but my friends for the most part make me feel good. Even if we disagree on certain things.
When I do something I really really like that always seems to make me feel better, regardless of the company. I totally agree with fizzylem- we cant change people, but we can become better at asking for what we want from people- which was always an issue for me, not sure if its the same for you. And we can stop reacting to negative people and distance ourselves from their toxicity. Especially if they dont care to change. I am sure with time we all can build the lives we truly want.

[lover of no contact]

Beautiful words Fizzylem, I will apply this in my workplace. A very helpful perspective. I will copy and paste your words to keep.

[fridges]

Connect with people only who are kind to you, are good people in life. If they mistreat you, disconnect from them, you do not need them. Be patient, with time you will meet nice girlfriends, with whom you can have support and good time together.
I had a girlfriend of 4 years who thought I was kind of the property, she knows everything the best, even like forcing me to take some decisions in life, the way, she thinks was the right one. always do this, do that. As I’m a person, who likes to help and go extra mile, for me was hard to say no to people. So it was very beneficial friendship for her. Then when I was alone, I started to think and to analyse my relationship, and I came to conclusion that I do not want to be pushed like this, sticking nose into my private life, sticking nose everywhere and giving me the tonnes of advice, which not working for me at all, and made from her own judgement, or for her own goodness.
I do not know how I managed, but I started to keep distance, not to be available like a dog, by first message, by first call. As it become to the state whenever she need to sort out anything, she just throw at me and I must do it quick.
Calling her self very smart, being arrogant and take all credits for her success. When without my help, without my brain she would not achieve half of it for sure.
I thought let me teach her a lesson. You think this of yourself, how about you take steps yourself, without my support, so I let go this parasite from my life. No longer I’m available for her c**p, no longer I’m jumping to sort every her problem, and she need to use her own brain.
She got the message, and become less b****y to me.
I’m no longer available for the people who want to use me.
With psychotherapy – I understood that I was living my life with many parasites, due to the abuse in my life. I had personality disorder, I was looking for people whom I can help, save, I was giving too much from myself, that this was becoming kind of abuse too. I was hiding from my own suffering by sorting out problems from others, not looking at my own problems what are inside. Shifting the focus of my life to other life’s, feeling responsible for people.

This year – I made the focus of my life, to clean all the not happy relationships from my life, clean from parasites, who were feeding on me, on my energy, on my efforts.
From this girlfriend I keep distance, I’m not in touch often, and this contact I plan to cut completely by changing number. She is no longer in a position to be in charge over my life, over my time, and be so sure I’m obliged to do what she wants or obey to her needs.
I’m not the servant and she got the message clear.

I’m pleased with myself, I recognised my own behaviour, I recognised that it is not working for me, and found the strength in me to stop it.
I repeat to myself, It is my life and I want to build it well. And only for people who deserve to be in my life, and these people are not parasites. I’m not taking anyone on board, only who have good values, good believes, who are not selfish, who have big kindness in heart.

When I started to change my life, I met new girlfriend through my other friend. We are having the friendship all three of us, going out, and it is always nice, no one treats me the way, she was treating, no one think I’m kind of slave for her needs. Respectful women, with good values, with good men in their life, with good thoughts and plans in life.

When we have been abused, it affect us in all relationships, we become kind of a magnet for bad people, and I’m intend to break this circle.

And wish to all of you the same, if no good girlfriend around better to spend time with magazine, or book, or watching serials.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Since posting this I have not had much contact with or seen those friends, and have spent most of my time alone and a bit of time with my parents (who I am also unsure about a lot of the time but without them I would be completely alone and a lot of the time they support me, it is confusing).

I feel quite lonely and worried about my future. I feel like there are not many people like me in the world, I know they are out there but maybe they are also at home a lot doing creative things and pottering around so we don’t get to meet. I went on a course recently and a woman misunderstood what I said and took offense and shamed me in front of the whole class, it was awful and I have stopped going. I felt like an alien in the room like nobody understood me and often feel like this. I think I keep meeting the wrong sorts of people and need to meet people who are more like me.

Once I am settled and feeling a bit stronger I will try a few activities again. I feel a bit ‘what’s the point’ about this though as I’ve tried lots before and have rarely made new friends but I know we all have to just keep going. For now I guess being alone is working out ok for me, I am really grateful for my wonderful cat, she is such a great companion for me and it is a great comfort to have her with me so that is something at least. I miss having people to go to the pub with or out for evening meals or concerts but I think I will book another solo cinema trip, a solo theatre trip and I will take myself out for lunch to the pub (when I feel less weird about being there alone).

Thanks again,
Sunshine

[Author]

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