DVA Perpetrator in my family

[Kawunde]

Hi all,
This is my first post.
I am a child survivor of DVA- I lived with it throughout my whole childhood. My dad left when I was (detail removed by Moderator) and then I carried on getting abuse from both my parents (who are also problem drinkers) for years after.

I thought I was over it and moved on, I am now in my (detail removed by Moderator). But my mum now has a new partner who is also abusive. A neighbour saw her in lockdown with 2 black eyes and a bashed up side of her face. I drove down and picked her up- brought her home with me. Obvs wanted her to leave him but know I can’t make that decision for her. She has been going through cancer treatment in lockdown and it makes me sick he has been abusing her as well. He doesn’t work and has been living off her for (detail removed by Moderator) years now- he used to answer her phone and is really over-familiar with family.

Anyway when it happened I contacted my family to break the silence on it. But now they have all brushed it under the carpet- said its a one off, he seems so kind and gentle, I am ruining the family events by refusing to be around him, what if my mum died I would feel guilty.

I just can’t believe they are putting so much pressure on me to accept a perp, especially when I went through so much trauma in my childhood. It’s really getting me down.

[maddog]

You don’t have to accept a perpetrator in your life at all.

It sounds horrible to see your mum in such dire straits. Are you in a safe relationship? How are you?

Please make contact with Women’s Aid about your own situation and work on your own boundaries. It sounds as though your family is using you as the scapegoat and dumping all the rubbish on you.

Sadly you can’t make your mum change. The more help you get for yourself, the more clearly you’ll be able to see and the more you’ll recognise that the family dynamics of your family of origin are not of your making.

You’ve made a positive step by posting here. Keep posting. You’ll find loads of real life support as well.

[Author]

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