Easter Dread Gone

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I uses to dread all holidays.. I would be full of anxiety, fear and totally exhausted throughout with all the expectations and conditioning..

This year is different for many reason, not having that anxiety is so empowering.. I feel I am getting yo know myself more and more, with that comes sudden memories of abuse which I didn’t know or understand at that time.

My children are happier and having therapy as each has said it validated their feelings/worries.

And for the first time I am not putting pressure on myself to do anything this Easter.

Being free is worth the pain of leaving if you can ❤️ HFH

[nbumblebee]

I love reading thos as i hide away in a toilet during a stressful easter break.
I just love this good for you sweetie and thank you for sharing x*x💜💜💜

[Footballfan1]

That is lovely to read Hereforhelp,

I’m so pleased for you and your children.
You deserve this happiness.

Nbumblebee, stay strong, try to take tiny bits of you time each day.
Try to do something defiant that he won’t notice each day too, just to keep some control for yourself.
Thinking of you and everyone who is still suffering in the abusive relationship.
Holidays are the worst time for it.

My wobble started this morning but I’m on to them now and can work through them.
It is my b****y period everytime that gets me!
I didn’t have any for years, but getting them again now.
I’m not used to them and boy do they make me over emotional.
I don’t remember being a blubbing mess when I used to have them.
I’ve also started reading the lundy Bancroft book for a second time, so it’s quite triggering, but in a way I need to remind myself what this is all for.
Stay strong everyone 💪 ❤️ x

[Hereforhelp]

Nbumblebee ❤️ don’t forget.. brick by brick xx you are so much stronger than you realise, I think you and I joined this forum around the same time, Footballfan1 as well…. golden oldies 😁
Footballfan1 I hear you with the wobble days! My wobbles were far worse when I had my periods (I am happy to be menopausal)… I went for an undershave to keep my neck cool at night, now I am keeping my hair this way as I like it)..

I did make contact with my ex recently (and let a lovely member on here aware, as I hadn’t acknowledged how scared I was at the time)… for whatever reasons (I got played again by him, I do forget how my ex will flex to show he is in control)… I do not regret going as it came instinctively as I needed to protect my son …. baring in mind my ex had been harassing me and one of our children as he was so concerned blah blah… basically he said all the right things for months and months… I think my mum being killed the way she was has created a different type of trauma which runs alongside and sometimes overlaps with the DA/DV abuse…
I also wobbled the other week as I hadn’t realised that the bruises I had throughout our marriage were because he hurt me (in his sleep! What a crock of s***e!! How I let myself be manipulated to not only accept I had bruises all over my body, 2 GP’s questioned me and queried DA, at that time I instinctively denied and blamed my ‘weak immune system’ as that’s what my ex always said..that I have a weak immune system, that I am weak, how he is strong and fit and I am not…. I am intelligent, I have had my own business, good jobs within blue-chip companies and my ex destroyed my confidence…

Wow, I obviously needed to let that lot out as I wasn’t going to leave a long response…. then that lot came out…

Big hugs to you both ❤️
I think you are amazing… I truly think every woman on this forum is amazing no matter where they are on this journey… please try and stop having a go at yourself Nbumblebee because you are still there… you are a wonderful strong woman who fights everyday … that takes strength 💪 ❤️

[nbumblebee]

Thank you to you both you have no idea how much i needed that its been a horrible few days. I was so full of guilt as i was so excited b4 i left looking foward to a break a rest but it was horrible he was horrible and we left early. So sad.
But i guess all i can do is get myself back together get again amd keep going. I just wish I could run I really wish I could xxxxxxx

[Footballfan1]

Hereforhelp,

You are an inspiration to us all.
You have endured so much, your grief over your mum to add to it, I can’t imagine that pain, I truly can’t.
Your children have a fantastic mother and I just know that they will come out the other side strong and generous people.

Don’t feel bad for contacting your ex.
We all feel the compulsion.
2 months ago I did something I regret, I reached out to one of ex’s relatives and was stone walled.
I felt embarrassed and upset and I regretted trying to reach out to them.
I then thought, I did it for a reason.
I was also on my stupid period at the time !
I’ve since leant to hold off from my compulsions until after the time of the month has passed.
My neighbour recently admitted that he had been asked by ex to spy on me and report back to him.
His words, not mine.
We want answers, we want everyone to know that it is not OK and to be frank, it’s a wonder we didn’t lose our marbles.
At least you spotted the abusive ways of your ex again, it is good when our eyes our open.

The bruising is heartbreaking.
That is so calculated what he did, got you to believe that is was due to a low immune system.
Also you realise now how strong he had to come across, to make you feel weak and fearful.
Discusting excuse for humans.

Nbumblebee, Hereforhelp is right.
You are amazing and strong.
It takes a special kind of person to endure the abuse day in day out and still be as kind and loving as you.
You went on the holiday, you tried to make it work.
Know that it is his fault that it was cut short, not yours.
Spend quality time with your kids, laugh and do silly things, anything to make some nice memories.
X*x

[nbumblebee]

Sorry here for help that was so selfish of me I was rushing to replie i didnt read your post properly. I agree with footballfan1 you are a real inspiration its incredable after all you have been through and there are of course gonna be bad days bad times you must remember to be kinder to yourself on those days sweetie. Keep being incredable keep enjoying those fantastic free moments.
Sending hugs xxxx

[Hereforhelp]

Nbumblebee you are not selfish in the slightest, you are the opposite, no apology needed..

I felt bad for off loading as I wasn’t expecting to but feel better now I have.

Yes Footballfan1, it is surprising we don’t loose our marbles, in a way, towards the end I felt like I was loosing my mind… very frightening place to be…
My ex stonewalled me after agreeing 🤣 why I expected otherwise is beyond me but it is ok, as I was coming from an authentic, protective place…. I will always protect my 2 as best as I can and if I am failed by the system I will continue to protect them.

I think I had ideas about ‘flying’ and recovery from DA/V is a journey in itself, It took time for me to accept that… now, when I wobble I recognise why and feel into it as there’s always a reason .. I think with what happened with the crash, losing my mum that way and the violence of that day… it overlaps with past traumas, I didn’t expect that and it is difficult at times to navigate. I am rambling now so will sign off

Thanks for your support ❤️
Much warmth HFH

[Footballfan1]

Nbumblebee,

It is not selfish, we are all here to support each other.
This is our safe place to vent and reach out.

Hereforhelp, you are doing the right thing even when it is difficult.

You weren’t rambling at all, it makes sense.
What you went through losing your mum, there are no words to describe.
It is awful and horrific.
You are amazing for carrying on moving forwards x*x

[Author]

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