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During my marriage, I was most worried about the impact on my eldest son.
My ex targeted him, and I was worried about hot this would affect my son in the future. He had a lot of anger to work through, naturally, and it drove me mad how some judgemental members of my family couldn’t see that and labelled him a ‘problem child.’
He rarely sees his dad. I don’t get involved- it’s his choice.
He’s actually very kind and sensitive and quite emotional for a boy, and I was worried that he may become a victim in the future. He’s been going out with a girl who doesn’t treat him very well. I can see the red flags all the time. I haven’t got involved as it’s his truth to learn and his choice, but he’s voluntarily come to me and we’ve had some good chats. I haven’t brought my experience into it, but I’ve tried to get him to consider his rights in the situation and assess things from there.
I am so amazed at how he seems to be so aware of her manipulations and motives. He really has clear vision in that way. It’s all come from himself- not my input. And I’m glad to see that he is being self-protective and asserting his rights- something I didn’t do with my ex.
He has recently called this girl out on her behaviour and says he can’t continue whilst she is being as she’s being. He cares for her, but says she’s self-centred and quite manipulative, and he doesn’t like that- it’s put him off her rather than made him become victim bonded.
I don’t interfere in his personal life, but I am so, so pleased to see from a distance how he is handling things in a healthy way after all he’s been through, and that he has self-respect.
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Gosh serenity that is heartening to hear about your son. Your recovery has impacted him in such a positive way. I forget my children are watching and learning from the positive parent and not just the abuser’s patterns of behaviour. That is very positive. My adult-child has an intimate partner whom I have seen so many red flags. Like you, I have not interfered. Also they wouldn’t hear me as they are besotted by them due to experiencing love-bombing (imo that’s what it is), in the initial part of the relationship. I pray daily that the trauma-bond that may be developing will be cut. I cannot really say it to her unless she comes to me for my opinion but I’m not making excuses, at least to myself. I’m hoping my silence ‘speaks’ when she describes the latest red flag although at times when I can I will point it out discreetly. Its very tricky as she is besotted. I have to hope that me going No Contact with ex and abuser mum will help her not repeat my pattern. The only thing is abusive people have a big draw for her. She chose to side with my abuser ex, his family and my abuser mum. She keeps a fair amount of distance from me and her sister ( who she used to be close to but when it came to choosing abuser-dad or sister, she chose abuser). She is captivated by the charm and the illusion of strength/power of the abuser. I’m hoping her denial will lift one day.
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