Embarrassed and feeling guilty.

[Kindheart123]

Hi,I’ve tried emailing and chat rooms but I can’t get through to anybody and I’m struggling to deal with the aftermath of what has happened to me, particularly this week has been a struggle. (detail removed by moderator) I got an abortion, I know this will be controversial and not everyone agrees with this, I do not want to offend anybody with this but I really am looking for guidance. I was with my then partner who was showing all the red flags and although I didn’t know this yet I knew that i couldn’t bring a baby into the equation. We were also very young and still are. My partner told me how he really wanted this baby and that if I chose to abort it (when we first found out and was discussing options) I would do it on my own without support and he would break up with me. I was so scared to be alone because the control he had over me left me to believe I couldn’t be without him. I decided to have an abortion but tell him I had miscarried. I know this isn’t a very nice thing to do and i didn’t want to lie but I felt like there was no other option, I had a baby that was being brought into a world of blackmail, threats and verbal abuse or I faced the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I didn’t even really want an abortion as I think I’d be a great mum and it has mentally really has affected me, I’ve never really gotten over it but feel bad for feeling bad as I still made that choice so I chose not to speak on it until now when I am ready. Now (detail removed by moderator) and I’ve suffered more abuse from this boy including him telling people I aborted the baby as a “lie” to get to me and then telling me he wished I had aborted it anyway as he didn’t want to deal with my baby. I’m finding it hard to move on with my life not just from this experience but from other things he has done. However somehow I always bring myself to think the lie I told was worse than everything he did, am I right? I don’t really even know where to start moving on and I just need some guidance. I struggle opening up in full to my family and friends as this is such a personal topic but I really hope someone can help me and not judge me like I judge myself.

[KIP.]

Hi, please don’t feel guilty or embarrassed for anything you have done. When we are being abused, we are in survival mode and do what we have to do to survive. Your reasons for the abortion sound the right thing to have done at that time. Your gut was telling you that a child with this man would be dangerous and would trap you for many years to come. He gave you no choice but to lie about it. To protect yourself. His behaviour was unacceptable. I do think you should speak to your GP about some counselling. Abuse leaves us with trauma, low self esteem, low self confidence. It’s a lot to cope with and an abortion on top. Well done for opening up about things. It’s not good to keep this kind of thing secret. Many of us have done things we wouldn’t normally have done if we weren’t protecting ourselves and the only one to blame is the man who abused you.

[Hetty]

I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through and have continued to cope with alone. You’ve been so brave to tell some of your story on here. I’ve found this site such a wonderful support and I hope you do too. I hope this is the start of you healing. Speak with your GP and ask for counselling. You don’t have to go through this alone. Often opening up to those closest to us is just too difficult at times but there are people who can help you.
Those things he has said to you are utterly vile. He has no right to speak to you in this way.
No one has the right to judge the decisions you’ve made.
You’re young. You have a whole life ahead of you. Think about what you really want.
Lots of love to you

[Kindheart123]

Thank you so much, I am finding this group really helpful and it’s getting me to open up and get some of the support I need, I’m definitely just plodding on at the minute but I need to take more control in the way I heal, I appreciate your kind words I really do thank you

[Kindheart123]

I really appreciate your support, I’m looking into getting help now, I tried emailing and the chat group as this is the first time speaking out loud about any of this and I felt like going seeing somebody face to face and telling them all this was extremely daunting. I’m giving myself the time to gather some courage but I think I’m heading in the right direction. Thank you for the continued support.

[maddog]

You have done absolutely nothing wrong, Kindheart123. It is really hard being in a room with women who are having problems conceiving and there we are knowing that it isn’t right and wanting an abortion. Thank the gods we have that choice. As KIP suggests, please seek some counselling. Your GP, Women’s Aid will be able to guide you.

There are so many things I haven’t told my family. It’s really important to reach out and find yourself in a safe place to discuss these things if you are afraid of being rejected by your family.

It’s a simple truth that the baby didn’t hold. The abuse is absolutely nothing to do with you and only to do with the abuser. It is fantastic that you recognised the pregnancy as part of the abuse. It’s terrifying being pregnant and knowing it shouldn’t be. Please don’t judge yourself harshly.

Please don’t be afraid on this forum. You have nothing to be ashamed of. The abuser on the other hand, has everything to be ashamed of.

[Kindheart123]

Thank you, it’s really head to open up about something that not everybody agrees with or some people have struggled with. I am a firm believer of it being a woman’s choice in what they do with their body and I made that choice not just for myself and I know that deep down. I will take everything everyone has said on board thank you.

[Tiffany]

I don’t think anyone on this forum will judge you for the choice you made. I know that I could so easily have been in your position. I always thought that I believed in choice, but that I would choose not to abort – I had all these ideas of how I would cope as a single parent, or make it work co-parenting if we split. I know now that wasn’t true. I was engaged. I chose to come off my contraception because I was using a fairly long term kind and wanted kids once we were married. And yet six months later I was in a booth in the supermarket by myself getting the morning after pill with my groceries. I didn’t end things with him until a couple of months later, but I knew I didn’t want even the possibility of a pregnancy to deal with. It was the right choice in the circumstances. He had sexually assaulted me the night before. And had hit me several times. He wasn’t a good person to have a kid with.

I went back to theblong acting contraception and I don’t know when I will dare to change that. And that was just one morning after pill, and having left my abuser years ago. It’s a lot to deal with, the realisation that you can’t trust your partner if you get pregnant. Like everyone else, I think talking this through with a professional would probably help. I would also add that as it sounds like you are still with the guy, that suggest that a contraception like the coil, the implant or the injection (i.e. the ones you don’t have to remember every day/time you have sex) might be a good idea, to give you peace of mind that it won’t happen again while you are working through what happened. This is in no way meant to imply that what happened was your fault, or that you should have done anything differently. I just know how much abuse messes with your head, and know that I wouldn’t have been able to keep the timings right on the pill while I was being abused. I also learned by experience that abusers can’t be trusted to use condoms. And I know how desperately you must need a bit of head space to process what has happened. Hope I wasn’t overstepping the line by suggesting this. Obviously it is your body, and especially after what had happened it is vital that you do what you feel is best for you.

It gave me headspace though, and has done again recently, in my current relationship with a man who has shown no signs of abuse the entire time I have known him. He’d do right by me, and that kid, even if we split, but I still don’t want to have to deal with the possibility of that until I am ready to make the conscious choice that I want to have a kid. Stops me freaking out. Hope this helps.

[Kindheart123]

Thank you so much, I’m no longer with the person, after months of various other things I reached breaking point and I said I wouldn’t follow his rules anymore (which we’re I can’t see my friends or go for a drink or night out anymore when I’m not even 21 yet). I am on the contraceptive pill now as I couldn’t trust him and I had to put my fate in my own hands,you definitely didn’t over step the mark as I fully agree with you, thank you for your advice and understanding

[diymum@1]

No one will ever judge you on here every woman has the right to choice. Sounds like you made the right choice and I know that’s not easy xx I had (detail removed by moderator) the whole way through an abusive relationship and it was really difficult at times the guilt was always there for not being in a position to give her the really good upbringing I had wanted for her.Youve paved the way for a new and better life xx your so smart to have made these choices so hold your head high xx 😘

[KIP.]

You’re still very young and it will be good to get some balanced advice from a trained counsellor. When we are traumatised our rational part of the brain shuts down, we don’t have the full benefit of rational thinking for decision making. None of this was your fault. There are a couple good books out there. Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, that explains the dynamics of an abuser. Mind Over Mood, helps with your thought process. Good books to have a look at and combine with therapy. The helpline on here have wonderful ladies who can talk through things with you. Just believe totally you did nothing wrong, you, like most of us in here were pushed to make decisions we never would if it wasn’t for the abuse. Take care and know you have a wonderful life ahead of you where you can achieve all you want with nobody holding you back. Reading the other posts on here you will see you’re not alone in having to navigate an abusive relationship. You might want to do the Freedom Programme through your local women’s aid. Take a look online x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Kindheart

There is nothing to be ashamed for and embarrassed for.
It is your body, your life, your decision.
You have obviously considered the situation very wisely and decided best to not place a little baby into a dangerous situation. That decision alone already makes you an excellent caring protecting responsible mother.
Also the fact you were both very young plays a huge factor, you want to be sure of being ready to welcome a baby into yours lives and when you are ready will be the right time for you.

About not telling him or lying about it, first of all I believe it is absolutely none of his business because it is your body and your life, I find it generous on your part of having told him anything at all. And second an abuser does not deserve the truth if it would endanger you, you deserve to be safe and this lie was certainly safer for you than telling him the truth.
You owe yourself the truth and you do not owe him or anyone else any explanations.
You can be proud of yourself to have taken responsibility over such difficult decision, you have your reasons and they are yours alone.
I think counseling would be a good way to process your feelings about the abuse, about the abortion, to take the guilt away because you have done nothing wrong at all, quite the contrary you have acted responsibly and wisely.
You do not have to disclose anything to your family or friends, it is very private information, you share it if you wish with people you feel completely comfortable with or not.
It is your choice always.
You will feel better, own your decision and believe it was really the absolute right one and he doesn’t deserve to know anything about it.
Keep safe & keep posting
Sending you hugs 💕

[Kindheart123]

Thank you everyone, there’s so much love here it has helped me so much, today I’ve booked an appointment at my doctors, I really appreciate everything you have all said it’s given me the reassurance I needed.

[fizzylem]

Bit late joining the thread, but wanted to say how brave and wise you sound, seems to me you did what you needed to do, despite wanting a baby you made the tough, wise decision not to bring one into that situation – so he thinks you miscarried, always has to be safety first with these men, so again, you made the right call, best not to risk angering him – especially with something as emotiove as this. You’ve been a very smart cookie from where I’m standing x

[KIP.]

Well done for taking that step. I hope your GP can give you some reassurance and refer you for some counselling. Keep posting and let us know how you get on x

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