Emotional abuse or toxic relationship?

[Vivovivo]

Hi, I am unsure why I am writing this as I have been told by family, friends and a counsellor that my husband is emotionally abusive, manipulative and gaslights me. But for some reason I’m not willing to accept it 100 percent. We have been together for over (detail removed by Moderator) years, married for some of that time. We have 2 young children, (detail removed by Moderator). My husband has for a lot of our relationship told me how unhappy he is, how lonely he is and how he doesn’t feel loved. This has been going on for a number of years. Despite my efforts nothing seems to make him happy in this relationship. Yet he won’t leave. He has repeatedly told me in the past that I need to change and implied that my behaviour is the reason for his unhappiness. I have tried to ask him how I can help, what I can do and most of the time the answer I get is “you should know” or “I shouldn’t have to tell you”

He tells me every few months that he gets nothing from our relationship and he is miserable. Then proceeds to tell me that I’ve been miserable for (detail removed by Moderator) years.and he states my behaviour needs to change. More recently he has told me that nothing in our relationship will change unless I respect him, which je feels that I don’t. He has told me outright multiple times that he doesn’t respect me anymore because of our relationship dynamic. He has cheated on me multiple times and most recently decided ot would be okay to speak with one of his ex affair partners. This is whilst we have been going to couples counselling. He said he spoke with ex affair partner to see if he should be living a different life. If he should be happy. When I obviously became upset about this his response was we should be able to talk about these things without our emotions getting in the way like a (detail removed by Moderator) child. He of tens speaks to me this way. And in a way that he calls direct but it is actually quite harsh and full of contempt. He has often said he doesn’t like spending time with me and that he doesn’t like me at times and he justify this and the way he speaks to me by saying its because I don’t respect him.

I think I know that this is not normal or healthy. He often tells me he has rage filled arguments with me in his head. And he cant talk openly with me because I’m too sensitive. He recently told our counsellor that I’m (detail removed by Moderator).

I have recently said enough is enough and told him I want to separate. He agreed but is now saying he doesn’t want this and a separation is a kop out. He is now telling me I haven’t understood him when he has said things like he doesn’t respect me and he also just point blank tells me that he hasn’t said things.

I’m not sure what I am looking fo writing this. But I am constantly confused in this relationship and I’m worried about my children. Sometimes he can be the nicest person in tje world to me and things seem to be going well until he has a bad day/period and then it’s like it was all a lie?

Please someone tell me I am not crazy. Is it me? He keeps telling me his needs aren’t being met. And now that I’ve said I wmat to leave he is saying everything in our relationship.is perfect bar this one little thing. This little thing being him not feeling loved, valued or respected. He tells me this despite saying how I’m an amazing wife and mother etc. It’s like a rollercoster and I’m at my breaking point.

I just don’t know what to do.

[spiritedaway]

Hi Vivovivo, we see and hear you. You are not crazy and this isn’t you.
Try reading back what you have put down here as if someone else had posted it, what would you think?
Why should the relationship be all about your failings to meet his needs when you are clearly suffering and not having your needs met? They become masters of wearing us down and making us question ourselves.

[Vivovivo]

Hi Spirited away,

Thank you for replying. That’s exactly how I feel, extremely worn down. Reading it back I know it’s not healthy and I would tell a friend to leave. He is just so good at twisting whatever I say to fit his narrative. It’s exhausting.

[spiritedaway]

You don’t need to rush anything. Coming to the realisation takes energy as well.

[Vivovivo]

I think that’s what I am struggling with, he is pressuring me to make a decision and telling me I’m breaking up a family because I’m hurt and apparently that isn’t a valid enough reason. The constant change in his emotions regarding the relationship is exhausting and I never know where I stand with him. I just don’t want to live like this anymore, being dictated by someone else’s moods and wants. Thank you for listening.

[spiritedaway]

just remember you did not choose any of this, you may be making a decision but it is down to everything you have been made to experience – if you had a choice you wouldn’t have picked having all this put on you

[Vivovivo]

Thank you Spiritedaway, I needed to hear that

[tiredofitall]

I feel like my situation was very similar. My ex would rewrite every argument to suit the narrative that he was not being loved by me in the way that he felt he deserved. In his eyes, his inability to treat me in a decent way was because of how I behaved. For our whole relationship he undermined me and my confidence. I was naive, didn’t know how to behave in a relationship, frigid, not adventurous enough, didn’t give him enough attention, didn’t show him I loved him enough. Whatever I did (and i tried lots over (detail removed by Moderator) years_ it was never enough. I did things that I was not comfortable with – all in the vain hope to try to make him happy. And I spent years and years trying to make him happy. I didnt even care that I was unhappy. Because he would never let me be happy unless he was happy. But you realise that the goal posts are always moving. You tick one box and then he becomes focussed on something else that you didnt do right. And all this time you are putting in to making him feel better, you realise that he actually doesn’t care about how you feel at all…he isn’t putting in that same effort to understand you, to make you feel good about yourself.
Whenever my ex got the vibes that I was on the edge of having had enough, he always pulled back. Because in reality he knew he had a cushy life while I was doing everything and he could do whatever he liked. No matter how much he told me he didn’t like me – i kept a roof over his head and he had very little responsibility.
Sending you hugs x

[Vivovivo]

Hello, Tiredofitall

Thank you for responding. My situation seems to mirror what yours was exactly. My husband is exactly the same in that there is always something wrong or something I’m not doing enough of. Not putting him first etc. He will argue he does everything for me, and his life revolves around making me happy. Which just isn’t the case, I can’t talk to him about anything as he twists everything to fit what he is saying. I just don’t think I can continue to do this and still be in the same situation in 5 or 10 years time. I don’t even feel like myself anymore.

[Secret6]

This post is so relatable. We’ve been together so long and I am forever walking on eggshells. I’m trying to get the courage to leave

[Vivovivo]

Hi Secret6,

It’s hard to get the courage to leave. Because when things are good it gives you hope. But in my case it has never got better. I’ve made the decision to leave and so what is best for me and my children. I have moments were I doubt myself but then I just remind myself of all the hurtful things that have been said and done, and continue to be done. The gaslighting and guilt tripping has stepped up a lot since I have told him we will be getting a divorce but I didn’t expect anything less. I hope you’re okay and stay strong. X

[Bonnie]

I am in the same situation as you.
I am constantly shouted at, called the vilest names daily, calls me a c**t, that I’m self centred , all I’m good at is doing the cooking told I deserve to be called what he calls me ,told I am lazy, a nag, self centred, when he reduces me to tears told I am faking it and it’s crocodile tears and that he has seen it all before. Tells me he feels unloved by me as I don’t let him in but how he expects me to let him in when he treats me like this is beyond me! He makes things up that I am supposed to have said even though I know I haven’t said or done them he makes me doubt myself. He plays the victim that he is going to kill himself, that he is depressed and I’m no help at all, he tells me he hates me one minute then he loves me the next , he threatens to hit me and comes at me, he is a bully. I constantly try to make him happy for a quiet life but whatever I do he finds something else to have a go about.

When I go to bed he sometimes makes noise so I can’t sleep to try and start an argument, or he will come up at (detail removed by Moderator) in the morning expecting sex and I don’t want that with him because of how he makes me feel and treats me. I’m just constantly on edge and exhausted by it all,some days he comes down and just sits in back room and barely speaks . I desperately want to leave but don’t know how easy it will be as we own our house but he will never leave or agree to sell. I left a few years ago but went back after a few days, I even contacted a solicitor but stupidly when he said it would change I believed him.
I just want a quiet life where I can relax and be me for me and my (detail removed by Moderator) cats where I don’t have to live this life with someone who doesn’t care about me

[Vivovivo]

Hi Bonnie,

That is an awful situation for you to be in. We don’t deserve to be treated like this, it isn’t love. I think I am coming to terms with the fact that it’s unlikely to change and if I don’t leave now/soon, I never will. Its a scary thought, we too have our own home, and I worry about that and how it will impact our children. Have you spoken with a solicitor about your house? In a divorce everything is split equally, unless children are involved etc and then it I believe it is different.

I’m still not 100 percent what I’m going to do, but I’m 95 percent sure that this is nit healthy for me and something needs to change.

[Texas]

I too feel drained but I agree with everything everyone has said. It’s hard coming to terms with what has happened but it is part of the healing process.
All the lost dreams and promises of a life filled with love, laughter and happiness. But brighter days will come, just hang in there. Thinking if you.

[Vivovivo]

Hi Texas,

Thank you for responding. I really need some reassurance right now. If I speak woth him about things, everything is always centred on him and his needs. I’m just struggling to gain the strength to really commit to leaving him, it’s hard because he is still here in the house and he won’t give me any space. For me to figure things out.

[StitchandAngel]

Hello, I think I am in the same situation. My Husband and I have been together many years now and he’s been telling me to stop being stupid and stop being a D***head. When I say stop calling me that he would say im not I said stop being it. He would also say he was going to kill himself all the time or hurt himself so I would have to dr him, he would tell me to stop mothering him yet leave all his clothes on the floor and not help with any of the house work or the kids. I said once I would wait until he’s asleep and come in and turn the tv and lights off to save on electric and he flipped out on me calling me names, saying im petty and to just (detail removed by Moderator) while im at it, I begged him for years to get help with his mental health and he never listened. He has also raped me and I wasn’t ready to admit it but (detail removed by Moderator) ago I left him thanks to a dr who told me he was abusing me and I haven’t looked back he is still trying to worm his way in and using the kids to get at me but We will get there. If you have a good family support system that helps a lot x

[Vivovivo]

Hi,

Thank you for replying. I am glad you are no longer in this situation. And I hope you are doing well. It’s so hard to make the decision to leave, but I have now. I have really supportive family, friends and work colleagues, which is helping massively. I just wish he would just accept it and stop with the n**********c behaviour. It’s draining x

[StitchandAngel]

I am so glad you have also got out and that you have a good support system and I completely understand what you are going through my ex is also showing this behaviour by harassing me daily, passing messages through our eldest Autistic daughter not bothering with our youngest at all and then also hurting himself and letting it get infected and continually sending me photos of it. I agree it is completely draining its even more so when they are trying to worm there way back into the relationship and also trying to take control of you again x

[StrongLife]

I too got extremely name called, harassing, stalking, threats and my ideas not listened to.

Conversations were weird. It’s been some time.

I got out and realise other guys do not have same types of conversations.

I personally went to counseling by myself rather than with him(I did suggest it but he refused couples counseling)

The personal counseling helped so I could see things. Have you thought of personal counseling?

[Vivovivo]

Hi StrongLife,

Thank you for replying. It seems silly to say but this forum has opened my eyes to how much this type of stuff goes on. I honestly believed for a long time that everything was my fault and that I was responsible for his unhappiness, his unpleasant moods and disrespectful behaviour to me. I have had counselling on my own and it was there that my counsellor told me I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I guess I wanted to think the best of him then and try to make it work, see his side . So we went to couples counselling. Which was not helpful at all, as the counsellor has to remain relatively neutral and his behaviours and actions in the relationship are definitely not what a healthy relationship looks like. I will be accessing more solo counselling in the future and I’ve been reading, Why does he do that? Which has been very helpful x

[Author]

Posts