Emotional/financial abuse?

[BeeHappyAgain]

I don’t know that it could be called abuse. What’s happening too me is so much more subtle than the things that I’ve read here, but it’s been happening for a long, long time. My husband doesn’t physically abuse me and I really don’t think he ever would. It’s really little things, like a look that tells me he thinks I’m stupid that’s really fleeting or a heavy mood if I’ve done something he doesn’t like. It’s so subtle that it’s not really something that I can confront him about, but it leaves me feeling down. I’m not good at confrontation anyway and I tend to withdraw which probably looks like sulking.

Looking back on it it happened right from the beginning of the relationship, literally from the day I met him. I don’t know whether anyone’s ever read the book Past Mortem by Ben Elton? There’s a character that was killed by repeatedly being hit over the head with a fairly soft instrument. It wasn’t the force of the blow, it was the number and frequency that did the damage. That’s how I feel. Although there are pretty bad instances that I can specifically recall, most of what he does is passive aggressive and is really quick and/or subtle, but let’s say that it happens once a day (it happens more regularly than that), then that’s over 7000 times since we’ve been together. I’ve looked into coercive control, and I think it’s too subtle to be classed as that. He is quite controlling, particularly with money, but again in a subtle way. He doesn’t stop me spending money, but he makes me feel bad when I do; bad mood, vague reference to how I can’t really afford it, even when I was earning a good wage, and although we aren’t rich, we’re not short of money either. I stop doing the things he doesn’t like me to do and I’m constantly wary that I’ll trigger his disapproval. The best way I can describe it is that I feel like I have a heavy heart most of the time. I few times it has got too much for me and I’ve had it out with him and for a while he tries to modify his behaviour, but he’s got a really negative and judgmental personality and lots of things annoy him, so it doesn’t last very long.

Like I say, it’s nothing compared to what a lot of people go through, but it’s happened so many times for such a long time that I wonder, should I put up with this for the rest of my life?

[Balloons]

Hi BeeHappyAgain, try not to minimise what your gut is telling you. You are on here for a reason – it sounds like something is not right with the dynamic of your relationship. I am certainly no expert on any of this, but I would try and trust yourself to know if something is up. It is so hard when it’s such a slow steady trickle that you can’t even put into words why it makes you feel so bad. Maybe try and write it all down, and it might become clearer how all those tiny things combined have lead you to this point. May I ask why you feel you can’t confront him about it, even if they are seemingly small things? You should be able to talk about how you feel no matter how small or trivial it might seem and he should be able to hear you and take you seriously. Maybe there’s a hidden threat that you’ve picked up on that it is not okay for you to criticise him? Something is telling you that you can’t just be open with him and I think you should explore this further.

Also, I have felt the same in the past about finance and control – because he would never outrightly say “you can’t do that” or “you can’t spend that” but the implication was always there. He would even profess how he wanted me to be free to spend whatever I want I do whatever I want, but then would tell me that it wasn’t a good idea, but of course it was always “up to me”. I felt left in a position where if I did what I wanted he would feel upset and offended and I didn’t want to do that to him, so I would not do the thing. But he’d already covered his tracks by telling me it was my choice. Sound familiar at all? It would leave my head spinning. The subtle behaviours for me are the worst, because I felt I could never point to one event or incident and say “there, that’s abuse!” or felt that if I tried explaining it to anyone else I would just seem mad.

Anyway, not too sure if this helps at all, just wanted to let you know I have felt in a very similar way. Try and trust your gut. xx

[BeeHappyAgain]

He would even profess how he wanted me to be free to spend whatever I want I do whatever I want, but then would tell me that it wasn’t a good idea, but of course it was always “up to me”.

Yes! It’s that type of thing, for example he’ll tell me that certain foods don’t go together when I’m cooking “but you know me, I’ll eat anything”, or “I’ll support you if that’s really what you want to do”. That would be ok if it was every now and again, but it’s constant. There are lots of things that I used to enjoy I no longer enjoy because of the negative associations that they now have. For example I used to enjoy photography, but I can only ever take snapshots when we’re out together as he gets impatient, so over the years photography has built up negative feelings for me.

May I ask why you feel you can’t confront him about it, even if they are seemingly small things?

I have confronted him on a number of occasions, but it’s after a build up of the small things. The individual small things are just too – I can’t even think of a suitable word – “small”, too subtle at the time to remark upon. I think it’s difficult to point out passive aggressive behaviour – I’d feel like a child saying ‘mum, he’s looking at me funny’.

I listen to the Archers and over time the coercive control storyline has made me think that this behaviour is not normal.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Beehappyagain,

The end of your post says “should I put up with this for the rest of my life?” Should you? Only you can answer that question. Do you want to? Is this the life you imagined for yourself? Do you want to settle for this life, just in case the life without him is worse?

It’s great you’ve done your research on C&C Behaviour. If you don’t think he falls in to the category of an abuser then that is fine. So let’s agree for now he hasn’t got an abuser ‘label’. Set that aside for one moment. Are you happy in this relationship? I think I can answer that one for you!

Some relationships are incompatible, some run out of ‘things in common’, some get boring. When this happens we lose interest in the other person, our hearts are not in the relationship, empathy and sympathy runs out for them, we don’t tolerate them very well, we get annoyed with them, we really just don’t want to be with them. However, what we don’t do is ABUSE them. We don’t make them live in FEAR of us. And that’s the difference between an incompatible relationship and an abusive relationship. The FEAR.

If you can’t have an opinion without the fear of being put down, ridiculed, sneered at, told you’re stupid etc, it’s an abusive relationship. Do you have freedom of speech? Or do you have to think about something before you try and discuss it, weigh up how he may respond to it and then wonder if it’s worth the risk? Then having thought it through, decide it’s actually better to say nothing?

If you can’t go out and do things of your own free will, meet friends and family without fear of being punished in someway (physically, or otherwise), it’s an abusive relationship.

If you are regularly assaulted and ‘chastised’ for something you are deemed to have done wrong, it’s an abusive relationship.

If you have to do sexual things that you don’t really want to do, or are made to do, but you go through with it to keep him happy, or for an easier life, it’s an abusive relationship.

If you have to justify how you spend your own disposable income, ask his permission to spend it, or don’t even have access to it, it’s an abusive relationship.

If you call the Police about how unhappy his behaviour is making you and they say they can’t arrest him, or if he is arrested and then released with No Further Action taken, it doesn’t mean the relationship ISN’T abusive, it just means the evidence isn’t strong enough to make an arrest or get a conviction. Just because the Police CAN’T take any action against him on some occasions does not mean the relationship is a good one and all the bad things are all in your imagination.

So whether you label the relationship as ‘abusive’ or not is entirely your choice. From what you have written I have my own opinion, but my opinion does not matter. What matters is how the relationship makes you feel and whether you want to spend any more of your life living this way.

You have choices, you have rights, you do not have to ‘make do’.

[BeeHappyAgain]

Hi Wants To Help

We don’t make them live in FEAR of us. And that’s the difference between an incompatible relationship and an abusive relationship. The FEAR.

This really resonates with me, and yes, I do fear him, not in a physical sense, but an emotional one. I do fear bringing things up, particularly anything to do with money; I fear how his response will make me feel.

Thanks for the clarity!

[Lottieblue]

Hello BHA,

Goodness your post sounds very, very like I was. A few months ago, my partner had an explosion at me. A really irrational, really frightening loss of temper. It wasn’t the first. There have been a good handful in the (detail removed by moderator) that we have been married. But it made me feel sick to the stomach and something made me explore whether it was ok. I googled something, I can’t even remember what. It may have been “is this abuse?”. And what I found chilled me to the core. Because without me realising it, he had been “gently” abusing me for decades, very much in the way you describe. It was the chipping away at my self-esteem that I just hadn’t equated to abuse. But there were other things too. And I just went through the list. Or lots of lists, really. And I went “…yes … yes … oh my God yes…”. And I hadn’t noticed, because I just thought I was a useless piece of s**t who deserved to be treated like a useless piece of s**t. There has never been anything physical. There has never been “coercive” control but there has been control. He has never stopped me doing anything but he has frowned when I’ve told him I’m doing it, making me feel like I’m unreasonable. And so on. It has all been very very subtle but it has made me very very unhappy.

Here’s an example too: hypothetical: I might say “let’s go to Paris for a weekend”. His response would be “I don’t want to go to Paris – do you want to go to Paris?”
Well, if I did, I don’t now, because why would I want to go somewhere we didn’t both want to be. But he hasn’t told me we can’t go. And believe me, if he didn’t want to be there we would never hear the last of it, everything would be wrong.
He controls everything.

Read “why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. It will change your whole perception of everything. X

 

[Anonymous]

Hi Bee and Welcome! Great advice here given by our lovely ladies as always! Read, read, read! We have a thread on here called “Book List”, please find it and just start educating yourself because you are being abused, horrifically so. Mental and emotional abuse, big time. And just read on here, other people’s stories because it’s all in print, one fashion or another. You don’t have to physical beat someone for it to be abuse. Big misunderstanding with people. They don’t have to lay a finger on you in order to batter you and murder you slowly actually. It’s all a mindgame and some are very adept at it. It’s almost like entertainment to them. Scary thought but I’m afraid it’s true.

You don’t have to live in such a prison, my love. But you “do” have to want to be free, to the point of you accept nothing else – but that. We have to be just as singleminded in what we want that they are with what they want. We’re no one’s slave, servant, dog to be kicked or ragdoll. Last time I checked, they don’t have that right. And we have a right to say – it’s not happening.

The up and down and sideways of the rollercoaster does one thing here in particular. Keeps you confused, in a fog, and most importantly keeps you from connecting “with you” and what you want. NO,no,they can’t have that one happening! Dangerous business then, you might plan your escape and actually do it! Uh-oh, then they’d have to train someone all over again to take their abuse. Very costly for them. You see, they may close attention to their “energy level” at all times. Unlike you who can have yours sucked out and bone dry every day, right? Theirs? No, theirs is too precious.You, afterall, can be an appendage to their grandiose ego and they can feed on your energy when they like. You can eat the crumbs off the floor.

You shouldn’t have to spend your energy trying to figure him out either. You just have to back off and ask, Good Golly, what’s all this creating in me? Do I feel good, feel good about myself, enjoy being around him, like my abuse, is my health good and solid, am I accomplishing my dreams, do I have any dreams or goals, am I about fulfilling them, do I radiate happiness? Questions like that. Pay very close attention to the answers.

People who really don’t have any empathy, love it when you do, especially if they have a free tap of it every day. You make all the good juice naturally and unfortunately, they can’t do that. So they have to do the vampire thing on your neck. And if not you, it would be someone else alot like you. Let’s get you up and out of the fog here and up on the mountain top where you can survey the real and true lay of the land because you’re too close up. You’re chasing your own tail. Been there. Not fun. But you’re here, right?

Your intuition is blaring, probably has been for awhile. That radar system of yours is your very very best friend in life but if we keep second guessing it, turning it way down, it can’t help us. We have to make it Loud and listen, obey it. It knows things. Knows people actually. Little wise one in there.

You can walk out of the cornfield but the circles have to stop and education and information is key in order to start walking a very straight line – out of the cornfield. Been literally lost in one before and the line out works. LOL! So no more second guessing, okay? Stand up straight, you’re here, first step, let’s help you make some more, okay? Hugs!

[BeeHappyAgain]

Hi Lottieblue

Here’s an example too: hypothetical: I might say “let’s go to Paris for a weekend”. His response would be “I don’t want to go to Paris – do you want to go to Paris?”
Well, if I did, I don’t now, because why would I want to go somewhere we didn’t both want to be.

Yes, exactly my experience . He’d even suggest that we go somewhere different to where I suggested, I think so that he maintained control. It’s got to the point where if he asks me if I want to do anything today, my mind goes blank, I can’t think of a single thing that I want to do, so he says I never want to do anything.

Hi Braelynn

Thanks for the support!

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