Emotional scars

[Dobby]

How are you supposed to feel and what are you supposed to think?
I constantly ask myself why….
Why did this happen?
Why didn’t I leave sooner?
Why didn’t it get better even though I tried my hardest?
Why do i miss him???
Why would i miss someone who hurt me?

I have been physically, sexually and emotionally abused. The bruises heal quickly but the emotional scars are torture! Only having come out of the relationship have I been able to see things a little clearer, things he did or things he said. He would blackmail me, he had a bag packed by the bed so that he could leave at any point, this would make me feel awful and beg him to unpack it and stay with me, he would say all of the time how s**t his life was and that he would be better off dead. He told me I was mentally unstable and that I’d have my kids taken away from me. He said I didn’t give him enough attention, all he wanted was for me to love him. He went missing for hours one night and I ended up calling the police because I was so worried, he came home and made me look stupid in front of the police officer saying I’d wasted police time and I was over reacting. The name calling was horrible, he called me a w***e, he saw how much this upset me and used it often. He would say why does that name upset you so much, is it because the truth hurts and you are a w***e? He would say no wonder your husband didn’t want you, no wonder he spent so much time on his Xbox, I need an Xbox to escape from you. No wonder you have such a high turn over of boyfriends.
He told me all the time I was going mad, he would move things and when I asked him where they were he said I’d moved it not him and that I was going mad. I had to constantly tell myself you’re not going mad, you know where you left the lighter, you leave it in the same high up place so the kids can’t get it. He would always say I had no control over my kids, they walk all over you and don’t respect anything you say, you’ll be sorry in the future when they treat you like s**t. He called my son a little s**t and said he was horrible, he would try to wind him up, not let him cuddle me, he would say she’s my mummy not yours. He was awful to my dog, he would walk him and take pictures of him and make out he was his best friend but behind closed doors he would bite him, hit him with his lead, throw him outside and drag him around with his collar. My dogs since having to be re toilet trained.
My children were devastated when I told them he was gone, they said oh no mummy why? We love (detail removed by Moderator). I’m trying to take this as a positive because they can’t have noticed anything or heard anything.

Sorry this is long winded, just getting it written down gets it off my chest.

[Lightness]

Dobby – your feelings are very normal. I’m so sorry for what you have been through. It didn’t get better because of the abuser – you could not have done anything to make it better. I think our relationships with these personalities are doomed from the start. There are many reasons we don’t leave and many reasons we miss them – including trauma bond. It sounds like you suffered from a lot of gas-lighting, in an attempt by him to make you feel crazy, when you were not. It’s a really good idea to write it down to get it off your chest and to help you process it all and remember how badly he treated you, so that you don’t allow him back. I hope you can start the process to heal from what he has done.

[Lyng]

Your ex sounds so much like mine they could be twins. Same words, same scenarios. Just substitute cat for dog. We are great at covering up, they are great at manipulating us into believing we are to blame. I am so sick of people asking “did he beat you?” . He pushed, he shoved, he spat, he forced his hands inside me when I didn’t want him anymore, but no, he never beat me. He did a helluva lot more that that. He pummeled my soul. The hardest thing to do is not wallow in regret.

[Dobby]

I dreamt of him again last night, everything was perfect and I was begging for him to return. I woke up in tears not knowing if it was because I wanted him or because of the realisation I’m back to reality and he isn’t perfect and never will be or never would have been if I stayed with him.

[Alicenotichains]

I had dreams like this- last year a dream prompted my return as I was convinced that he was a nice person and the abuse didn’t matter.
The abuse started pretty soon after we got back together- almost within 72 hours- but it was worse- he was angrier. The dream was a distortion- a deception. I was so confused.
I felt so ashamed and wretched.
I wrote a list of my feelings on a piece of paper and put it in a book. The other day I came across the book and the list of feelings that I had when I went back to my abuser. I will share it with you.

Rant.
“Pushing buttons”
Sinking heart
Tears behind eyes
FEAR
Change
Sick, twisted stomach
Constricted throat
Nothing has changed
Panic
Terror of terror
Weary
Sadness
Pity
Helplessness
Frustration

Approximately 72 hours after I went back to him, after falling for the “I will always love you, you are my soul mate, it is not written that we should be apart” lines I felt like the above list.
It took me almost a year to get back out. Don’t let your own brain fool you. It’s like an addiction and should be treated as such. It is an addiction that blocks out reasonable fear and it is so very very dangerous for that reason xxxxxx

[Alicenotichains]

To as to that- I had a dream about him a few nights ago where I felt like I needed him. I wrote the dream down in my dream book, cried a lot and then looked after myself for the whole day. I did not make the mistake I did last time and contact him again. The dream did not win this time- reality won xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Dobby you are perfectly normal, I didn’t feel the true impact of his abuse until after I left, wow then it hit me like I had been run over repeatedly by a double decker bus. This first year away has been worse than any year I was with him. I relive all the trauma over & over again, not that I want to, that’s what cptsd or ptsd does to us. I remember his good side but his good side came at a high price of my own sanity. I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again, my trust in life is completely shattered, it is an hour by hour struggle, fighting to get me back & keep me back without his shadow of doubt following me in all I do, even sleeping is a torment because I wake shaking, not really knowing where I am. Be as strong as you know how to be, keep reminding yourself of all the awful things he did to you & keep telling yourself you are worth so much more than that. Be strong & like me live in hope that one day your star will shine & you’ll feel whole human again xx

[Ladyglittersparkles]

I think its part of the healing process.
Coming to terms with what happened.
Is he really that bad?we ask ourselves.
The answer is yes.
And its finding healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the aftermath.
Look into CBT or Lundy Bancroft books/YouTube, freedom programme locally to you.
I’m 18months down the line. with a recent period of 3 months trying to be friends. which ended in disaster. How else did I expect it to go?! But I’m stronger and surer of what behavior I don’t want in my life. There are no what ifs left for me to wonder.
Be kind to yourself xx

[Author]

Posts