Emotionally separating – how long will it take?

[fizzylem]

Hi ladies, I’m sure you can all relate to this, have been thinking about it on and off over the last few months; why when I know I don’t want this man does he still enter my thoughts so much? I mean this man abused, used and controlled me – and I now know this – I mean its in my awareness what happened and I have the language for it – at last – so why can’t I stop thinking about him full stop – I dont want him in my thoughts at all!

I know in part it’s to do with the trauma bonds – I no longer feel the need to defend myself and no contact has helped me to stop the obsessional thinking and feel much safer – so I’m no longer open to his abuse. I see the gas lighting and all his tactics now for just that.

I know another part was the brain washing, I lived with him telling me how lucky I was to have him, that no one else would ever love me or be interested in me – sounds silly to think that out loud now! But at that time I did believe no-one else would want me – guess I believed him as no one has ever wanted me like he did and I am no spring chicken now either. I can hear him now ‘you’re damaged goods’, ‘difficult to live with – just like your mother’, oh so many many more that crept into my mind, leaving me thinking I would be worthless without him – Ha! Not true hey, feeling much better about me without him. Best thing I ever did was get rid of him – although I can see that his ego couldnt take that and has thus caused trouble for me ever since one way or another. Has made me think it would have been better on me if he had chosen to end it, but I don’t think he would have gone on his own accord, I mean I was a free meal ticket. Although he would have gone at some point with no sex on offer hey.

Guess I’m still angry about lots of it – how do I get rid of this? I don’t want it anymore – I want to move on and never look back – feels like until I leave the area and start a fresh this is never going to happen – but what if I move and still he invades my thinking? I mean, it’s all in the past now right?

I just dont get it, why do I care he is with someone new? I dont want him do I. I wanted (and waited for!) the lovely man he can be on the odd occasion, but now I’m not wearing the ‘but we’re in love BS lense’, I know he is not just that man, there is so much more to him, he has that bigger, darker side to him – and I don’t want to be with him because that comes with him.

He’s been the only man I ever loved and wanted – but he did not feel the same – I was just a good woman who could take care of his needs for now – there was no problem at all, until I no longer wanted to settle for that, until I wanted to feel loved and cared for in return.

We are very different, he is totally alone in the world – he clung to me to survive, he was never going to leave me, he had no reason to did he.

I can see now that over the last few years I have been on the end of his hatred – he felt rejected and reacted badly and it’s been dreadful – Ive been someone to poke at and take the mickey out of, someone to verbally spit at, why then, now I can see this so clearly at last – why do I still think about all things related to him. I want to put it away now. Maybe I need to get off the forum now – and try to get on with my life? Think that would help. Dont want to keep going over it and have it going round and round in my mind. Maybe its time to step away.

Any advice, experiences or thoughts would be much appreciated x

[Serenity]

It is very hard, Fizzylem.

Sometimes I have days like that, and some days I feel full of anxiety.

I think it’s because we are still
suffering from the trauma and we are still feeling like victims- because of the abuse which has been done to us. It’s like a record, being played over and over again.

I think back over the past two, eventful years and think about when I felt most like a survivor – rather than victim. I suppose it was when I was doing the Pattern Changing course, went to a fortnightly support group, had counselling…all those things have me a hence to open up about my fears, receive encouragement, to encourage others too. It was all positive. Now, I don’t do any of those things. I thought about this last week, and contacted our new DV outreach services ( it’s all been changed) and offered to give up two hours a week to help victims of DV. I think there’s strength in community, and a lot of strong and inspiring women out there to galvanise those who are struggling. I really do believe it’s important to surround yourself with the right people. It’s so hard to overcome this alone. There are counselling techniques- like CBT- which help you train your mind to think positively and strategically. But I am wary of stuffing the hurt down in our subconscious where it continues to rule our lives.. in some way. Better to talk it out, I say.

Maybe I will always want to help women in this sector. Maybe until people are safe in their domestic situations, I will always want to talk about it. I don’t want to ‘get over it’ like it never happened. I want to share what I’ve learned and use it to help others, and together we will feel stronger.

I don’t know what opportunities you have to share and encourage where you are. I think
Talking about it in a constructive way helps you to feel like you’re overcoming it- not like it’s overwhelming you. It can grow in your mind if you’re not releasing your thoughts and fears enough. x

[Serenity]

PS : At the same time, don’t put pressure on yourself.

‘Take it one day, one triumph and one courageous step at a time.’

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

We all recover at different times, i think he comes in your thoughts as u r still healing and processing why he did what he did to u. When the time is right u will forget him,ive been out (detail removed by Moderator) years and have just forgoteen him now but any mention of him can send triggers and nightmares off. just take things slowly

[Author]

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