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[nbumblebee]

I dont wanna keep posting Im sure its annoying but like alot of us on here I have nowhere else to empty my head so sorry Im here again.
I sat in the (detail removed by moderator) after a weekend away got cut short as he had a melt down and i had this overwelming urge to jump out and run…off a cliff into traffic I didnt care i just wanted to run as fast as i could to get away.
It hit me this is my life this will always be my life and that makes me so sad so very sad I dont think I could cope with forever if its like this.
Im still fighting the A word. I had a look at buying that book living with a dominator but im scared to read it im scared to see. Ive been seeing a counsellor 2 years and have gotten nowhere weve tried cbt emdr and i cant do either of them i cant let her in as good as she is. I cant let go.
I am a mess as you all know by now i self harm i have eating issues and my health suffers as im always tense always stressed always on edge. I often think maybe its best that I stop fighting stop working life would be so much easier.
This week he has told me im a (detail removed by moderator) that im selfish that i love myself too much that my work isnt worth it that i should be home that im having an affair and i find myself feeling selfish feeling like the bad guy thinking it is all me I do want to work i do love my job i am not home as much its alot for him to get used to maybe i am pushing too far too hard too fast? But I guess theres no need for the nastyness the evil words the constant put downs and the sulking the nastyness when i say the word No.
I sound like a broken record I know I do but as hard as I try I just dont want to accept all this I dont want to be a victim a survivor or whatever I just wanna be me whoever she is.
I guess Im scared.

[Footballfan1]

Hi Nbumblebee,

It is good you post on here, you are not a stuck record.
It is a complete mind f**k the position you are in.

You have seen it for what it is, even if you can’t use the a word.
It is clear you see it because you have reached out.
On here and therapy.

You are frozen with shock and fear.
It is natural to feel this way.

The dominator book and the lundy Bancroft why does he do that are both excellent for helping you process and understand what exactly it is you are going through.
I know you don’t think you can read these, but if you did, I think it would help you massively.
You don’t have to choose whether to stay or leave.
The books work for both situations.

It doesn’t matter if you can’t work out which way is up or down.
You are treading water right now.
Stuck in one place, not moving anywhere.
But your thought process is definitely moving forwards.
You are questioning more.

We are all here for you.
Sending hugs 🫂 x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much. Trying so hard to find the strwngth to get these books I know they will help Im just so scared to face it.
Your words mean the world thanks x

[nbumblebee]

So i brought the living with a dominator book. Its not a nice read and im only a few pages in.
I need to see this. Thank you for the recommendation. X

[LightbulbMoment]

Ugh, I know this feeling, nbumblebee. It’s utterly debilitating.
Don’t listen to the nastiness. In your heart you know it’s not true. Stay strong and dig deep to remember who you are at your core.
It will get better. Small steps.
Sending you a big ole virtual hug. X*x

[Darknessallaround]

@nbumblebee You are not annoying, this is just the place to post when you are feeling overwhelmed and so unhappy. You are living in a constant hyper-vigilant state. That’s why you can’t think clearly and why his words have such a power to hurt you.

He is contradicting himself by calling you a scrounger (you’re not) but then saying he wants you to give up work and be at home. He can’t have it both ways.

He is messing with your head. Making you doubt yourself. Causing maximum misery to break you down so he gets his own way.

I know only too well the feeling of not being able to cope with forever if it’s going to be like this. Trying to picture what’s going to happen in the future can feel too much. Break it down and take things one day at a time. You don’t have to make decisions now. Everything at your pace. Does your Counsellor do grounding and relaxation exercises with you? If you’ve tried EMDR I’m guessing she will have done. It is very hard to imagine a safe place when you feel under constant attack, it’s impossible to ever totally relax. Even if you don’t feel like you are moving forward, just the counselling relationship itself can sometimes be enough to help you cope.

You are stronger than you know, you just need a little help to realise it.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much I feel so lonley and your replies help.
I almost got to the point of giving in. Giving up work just so he would stop but he wont stop will he? And i will be more miserable than ever. Its been so long ive forgotten me who I am what I want what I love but I know I love my work so I guess i need to stick with it make it work prove to myself I guess that I can do it. Then see what happens with him. I dont know any other way. Xxxx

[Bananaboat]

Forget the A word. Are you happy? Are you in an equal / supportive environment? Do you want special occasions/ weekends away ruined each & every time? I know these questions are hard, I know the answers are tough to accept. I know your brain is trying to convince you it’s not always like this. We’ve been there, that’s why no one here is annoyed with you at all. As others have said you’re living in a constant state of heightened anxiety, you have no breathing space to know who you are or what you want, because that’s how they keep us. I know it’s really hard right now but you’re on a positive path, recognising his actions, asking yourself hard questions like this. Baby steps are still steps.xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much for understanding. It always feels like 2 steps foward 3 stwps back I start to believe and see then soubt takws over guilt fear. He doesnt beat me i do that to myself he doesnt lock me in so why am I trying to believe its abuse?
But like you say Im not happy regardless of why but im just too afraid to do anythkng about it.

[Bananaboat]

But you are doing something about it. You’re learning about it, accepting the wrongs aren’t right, you’re going to work despite his protests, you’re getting counselling, going to the gym, meeting friends despite his tantrums, you’re working on you. None of that is easy and tells us how strong you are!

Yes it often feels like 2 steps forward and 3 back but don’t give up, this is a marathon not a sprint. Those thoughts, wanting to run (mine was thinking about crashing) are your body’s alarm bells, listen to your gut. He doesn’t have to physically beat you, his words & actions are doing it mentally. Your bruises are inside and just as damaging & painful. He doesn’t have to lock you in via bars on the doors as his words are doing the same thing making you worry about going out & what that’ll mean, what price you’ll have to pay. Do you have the option to just leave him? No, because you’re locked in to the relationship, to him. As I say, whether it’s the A word or not, you’re not happy and you’re not free, that’s a big realisation so give yourself time and credit to let it sink in x

[nbumblebee]

Wow Thank you I needed this. I really did. Xxxx

[tiredofitall]

I have often hesitated posting on here thinking I’m not saying anything new, but we forget the people on here aren’t judging us – that’s what happens in our homes.
When I decided to change my future, it didn’t matter whether I called it abuse or not. Like Bananaboat says, it was about whether I wanted the rest of my life to be spent in misery. It became about me and not him.
These kinds of things don’t happen overnight. It took me decades of living this yoyo existence before I was able to make the change.
I was always waiting for something to happen. Sometimes hoping he would die do it would just end!
Please just keep posting. It takes so much for us to keep going and you are doing that.
It is exhausting this life.

[nbumblebee]

Yep I often wish he would just go my life would be so much easier.
Then im fillwd with guilt for even thinking that.
I dont want to look to the future as actually if its like this i dont want one.
I just wish it would all stop that it would just go away if I stopped thinking about it stopped working stopped trying to live a life id like then it would be better. But then no id lose me evwn more than i already have wouldnt I. X

[Twitcher]

You have such a beautiful soul, you deserve to be given the world and more. I too am constantly living in a heightened state of anxiety.I may be getting divorced but what if it was me all along, this bitter and twisted, evil old b…h that he calls me. I’m scared of my past and scared for the future. You are starting to take so many huge steps even if they may seem small and go backwards at times, any step takes a amazing amount of courage and strength, please don’t underestimate yourself lovely. Sending you much love x*x

[Fairyliquid]

You are not alone please remember that..

I was called a selfish p***k who always let’s my partner down. I was (removed by moderator) rather than stayed in to talk to my partner on phone.

They had been away with work and had been working hard and partying all weekend. But because I was busy when they were then free problem.

I keep telling myself the same thing… someone that truly loves you wants you to excel at things even if they have to take a backseat hear and there.
Not for you to be expected to do everything around their needs and social timetable

[nbumblebee]

@Fairyliquid @Twitcher Thank you for your kind words.
Fairyliquid what you said about how someone who loves you wants you to be happy yeah thats hard as he has told me many times that seeing me happy makes him sad.
Its the doubt that gets me everytime. (detail removed by Moderator) he took my bank card refused to return it so i couldnt spend i thought right this isnt on its another control tactic i get it then out of the blue he gave it back but also said dont use it. So now im back to doubting maybe he was joking maybe im reading too much into this. We went out he was charming lovley we walked home he turned moaning at me for working moaning about lack of sex etc nasty comments but he was drunk. Ive not been loving im finding it really hard so may e its my fault maybe im setting my boundries too high too harsh. Its all a total mind f**k isnt it. I am seriously driving myself mad trying to un pick it all. X*x

[Everhopeful321]

Hi @nbumblebee just to say thank you – your post and all the replies help so much, especially for me – I can never seem to put into words how things are. I had a really rubbish week, just awful behaviour and I felt so low, I thought I just need to talk to my mum, tell her how it still is, not just that everythings ok but I’m at the point now I can’t! Because talking to her means admitting things are no better which then means doing something about it and I just can’t! I always still think of your brick at a time saying but I think my wall is just getting higher. None of this helps you, I’m sorry, but I hope you know that you’re helping me and I’m sure others too by talking on here x

[nbumblebee]

Its ok it really is.
I get it I do. Its so hard to talk outside of here its so frightening I have no answers but know im always here to listen we are not alone. I want to tell you to knock o e brick down so you can see a glimpse of a light a glimpse of a better life just one brick that chat with your mum. Just think what that could do how much that could help. I dont have that with my mum she isnt there for me but you have grab it use it one moment of courage one sentance.
Mum, I need help, im struggling…… 10 seconds of pure courage could change your life could help you knock those b****y bricks down.

[Author]

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