Ending my relationship

[NopeNope]

Hi all,

I want to end my abusive relationship, I’ve wanted to for a very long time but I feel like I’ve only started to build the confidence to work towards it recently.

We don’t live together so I don’t have to move my stuff out, but I’m not sure how to go about ending it…

I’m worried that I won’t be able to justify my reasons for wanting to end it. I’ve tried to end things before and felt really really guilty and he has persuaded me to change my mind. Most of the abuse is emotional but there have been some physical incidents. I feel like I’m clinging onto the physical incidents to justify my decision, even though the emotional abuse has been just as damaging to me.

I don’t think I should have the conversation face-to-face because I don’t know how he will react (he’s very hot headed) and I’m worried that the guilt will overwhelm me and I’ll go back on my decision again. My therapist told me I don’t owe him a face-to-face explanation and can do it over the phone or by text, but I think I’d feel really bad doing it this way? We have been in a relationship for a long time and I know that he’s going to feel like it’s come out of the blue.

Part of me wants to wait for another incident so I can use that as my reasoning. Am I silly for wanting to do this?

Would appreciate any advice. I know that this isn’t even going to be the hardest part, but it feels impossible.

[Lisa]

Hello NopeNope,

Thank you for your post and for sharing what you’re going through at the moment, it sounds like a distressing experience.

Many women who have experienced abuse feel a pressure, or responsibility, to explain their desire to end the relationship to the abuser in person, as well as to a degree that the abuser will ‘accept’ or understand.

However, most abusive men are not reasonable or rational in the way that they communicate or think about the relationship. In a ‘healthy’ relationship dynamic it may be more possible to have this conversation and for both partners to want to come to an understanding, to have a civil agreement, or to gain closure in terms of the end of the relationship, but this is often not possible in abusive relationships.

One primary reason for this is that it may not be safe to do so. Abuse very often escalates at the time of leaving, often due to a loss of power from the abuser, who may use different tactics to stop someone from leaving. This could be emotional manipulation, gaslighting, threats, or physical violence.

You’ve mentioned there have been physical incidents in the past, so it would be very reasonable to anticipate this being the case if you were to express a desire to leave, in an attempt to obstruct you from doing so as he has done before.

Please do consider your safety as a priority in this situation, and keep in mind that this is a common pattern in abusive relationships. You are entitled to leave at any time, for any reason, and as you/your therapist expressed, not only do you not owe him an explanation, but you do not owe someone who has abused you anything.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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