Ending the marriage

[Lottieblue]

Is it possible, do you think, to end a marriage without the abuser knowing that he’s been abusing you? For him to believe that you’re just walking away from it because you don’t want to be in it any more?

Is it advisable, better to do it this way, even? Because if you start telling him what he’s been doing to you, he will, without a doubt, turn it all round.

I know that my husband believes I don’t want to play ball any more. There has been one (inconclusive) “discussion” (him having a go at me, but under the guise of being understanding) and I know there will be more. I just don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know whether just to say “you’re right, I don’t want to be here any more” and just go without explaining to him that his behaviour has been unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

I would say you should do whatever will be easier for you. With my abuser I’ve learnt that you can pour your heart out completely but he has no recognition of what I’m talking about or an understanding of my feelings, just his own. He’ll say he did that because ‘i’ wasn’t listening etc. They always manage to turn the tables around. Your buser sounds similar, so if I were you I’d just go along with the divorce, if you try and put your side forward it could end up in a big rant or worse.

If he’s willing to walk away from the marriage and leave you to it then this is a good thing. I wish it could be this simple to get rid of my abuser. Xx

[Beautifulday]

if it’s easier to walk away without saying its abuse do it! This is what I plan on doing as I know if I start saying I’m leaving because your abusuve he will totally turn it around on me , make it difficult. So think for me personally when the time comes and it will come! I will just say no more i don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. X

[Camel]

Hi Lottiblue

Having never been married I had to google grounds for divorce. I was surprised to find that there are just five. In your case it would be unreasonable behaviour, which includes abuse. Maybe some other ladies can advise but can you file for divorce without stating grounds? There doesn’t seem to be an option for ‘mutual unhappiness’.

[Lottieblue]

Thanks Camel. I think they may be specific to England – which is not where I am!

Legally, I can do it. I’m just wondering what experiences others have had… if any!

Thank you though x

[Headspinning]

Hey, wanted my abuser to understand why our marriage was ending. I wanted him to realise the part he played. I wanted him to acknowledge the hurt and upset he had caused me. I felt if I was going to end a marriage I needed to justify why.

In the end though, you might as well explain to the couch. It will pay as much attention! These guys don’t listen to understand, if they listen at all it is to challenge. You are not going to get that satisfied moment of knowing he now gets it. You are simply going to cause yourself more stress.

I am sure throughout the relationship you have on numerous occasions tried to make him realise the impact and the upset? Chances are he didn’t listen then, he won’t listen now.

In my opinion, spare yourself the stress. I did send my ex a long message at one point listing all the recent things he had done to create the situation and it did make me feel better in the moment – his response was simply @but yes what about what you did? I doubt he took it in and I’m sure he deleted it.

[Escapee]

Hi Lottieblue,

I’m taking the easy road. I too tried to get some kind of acknowledgment for his behaviour but it was just bounced back at me……total deflection.

For me and where I am, I just have to wait 2 years and then can do a nice simple divorce, no solicitors, no fighting, just sign on the dotted line. Some may see this as cowardice, I see it as pragmatic survival.

[PaleBlueStar]

My feeling is less is more. My husband would fight hard against being called anything. Bully or an abuser. I have got to a point where I want out as quickly and painlessly as possible. I know the truth. But equally as someone who had a baby as a teenager with someone who was physically and mentally aggressive, I know that if children are involved the least you can do is spare them the details. Last time I had to get an Injunction etc My eldest doesn’t not need to know about that.

[Eggshells]

Hi Lottieblue

If you can divorce him quickly without stating why, then it could be the smoother route. Even if you tell him that he is abusive, he won’t believe you.

I had to go for unreasonable behaviour and before I’d even filled in the form to apply for divorce, his solicitor had written telling me that if I put certain incidents in, he would contest it. They really don’t like being held to account for their misdeeds.

If you can do it an easier way and that is what you feel is best for you then go for it.

[Author]

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