Escape

[Tootsiepop]

I’m trying to escape after (number removed by Moderator) years of abuse.

But what I’m struggling with just as much as leaving —

is understanding how I ended up here.

The first (number removed by Moderator) years of our relationship were perfect.

We didn’t fight.

We laughed.

We made plans.

He said all the right things, and I wanted so badly to believe him.

I saw red flags.

I ignored them.

I believed love would win.

Now, I’m trapped — not just by him, but by a system that says it will help and doesn’t.

Every time I reach out, I get another number.

Another ‘try calling this place.’

Another ‘we’re sorry, we can’t help right now.’

In (country removed by Moderator), we talk about helping women escape abuse,

but when you’re really trying to get out, you’re on your own.

I’ve spent years being a servant in my own home —

waiting on him hand and foot,

doing everything I could to make him happy,

and it was never good enough.

No matter how hard I tried, it was always somehow my fault.

How can someone do such horrible things to you —

and then twist it until you start questioning yourself?

Until you start believing maybe you really are the problem?

The bruises heal.

The blood gets cleaned off.

But the mental abuse — the way it breaks you inside — doesn’t just go away.

And when you try to talk to counselors here,

most of them feel like they’re just reading off a manual.

They don’t understand what it’s like to live it.

They don’t know what it’s like to be terrified but stuck.

And that just defeats you even more.

How can someone who once made you laugh until you cried

be the same person who makes you cry until you can’t breathe?

How can someone say they love you while they’re destroying you?

I’m fighting to leave with nothing but two bags and broken pieces of myself.

I’m still trying to understand how someone who said they loved me could do this.

I’m still trying to find a way out.

I’m still trying to find me.

If you’ve survived this… how did you find your strength?”**

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Hi sweetie. Feel for you. Every question you ask, I’ve also asked myself. It’s the hardest place in the world to be, and, you’re right, no one understands it unless they’ve been there.

You can read through this forum, some of the older posts, and that might help. Just knowing that so many of us understand what’s happening for you and have been through it too.

To answer your question, how do we find the strength to get through this? Well, a lot don’t. A lot are killed, a lot commit suicide and a lot are damaged for years.
Personally I found the strength by remembering my life before, remembering the people who loved and love me and taking strength from that. Listen to that, it’s easy to dismiss when an abuser fills our bandwidth.

I also got angry. A little feral wild creature in me started to stir and I let her guide me.

We all find our own way, or don’t.
Everyone on this forum is standing beside you.

[Author]

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