Everything

[Chocolatebunnie]

He’s continuing to be ok and supportive which is great, confusing but I need this right now.

Kids hate me and can’t cope with their negativity that I’m a rubbish parent I’ve let them down, I can’t fix it it’s too late, it’s been my worst nightmare to ever hear this.

I’ve tried so hard to be a good parent I have probably made myself sick doing so, done everything I could. But I’m spoken to with such disrespect and disappointment it hurts.

My mum is very sick and she’s my best friend but obviously cannot discuss anything about my problems with her due to her health.

I’m starting therapy soon I hope it helps.

Constantly fighting tears and wondering how I am going to get through this.

My kids have said things I don’t think I will ever forget. I promised myself I would do all I can for them and that’s not been enough.

They are ganging up against me I feel bullied. I said so asked them to stop and they’ve used this against me. I know they should and can express themselves but it’s a bombardment of messages or angry comments or conversations which I can’t cope with.

Sorry for the rant

It is a difficult time just needed somewhere to let this out.

[Marmalade]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,
If your kids are teenagers then the way teenagers can behave is awful. It is v v common to have outbursts of hormonal rage and phrases like “I hate you, you are a useless mother”. Every mother I know has this. It’s awful. When there has been abuse or toxicity at home there seems to be an added layer of contempt. I have found this extremely painful.
The difficulty is that after abuse we find it extremely hard to deal with this in our home again and it is very triggering. It is v hard to cope with.
I have had conversations about how damaging their behaviour can be with one of my teenagers. It sounds as though you have tried this. My teenager listened at the time, but when in an hormonal flounce it was back to nastiness. If talking doesn’t work, can you ignore? Teenagers can get a buzz from getting a reaction.
Please speak to your therapist about this as they should be able to advise. Also if the behaviour goes beyond teenage acting out and is continuing then this is just abusive to you and you will need proper advice and resources to protect you.
If your children are over 18 and adults then this is different. You deserve a peaceful life free from abuse. They do not have to live with you and if the behaviour is abusive and damaging then maybe it is time for them to be independent, hard as that thought is.

[Bananaboat]

Are they ganging up to abuse you, or collectively saying you’re in a bad position and it’s impacting us, help us & yourself? I don’t know, I just wanted to suggest another view. Teens can be nasty and blunt but there’s often something behind it and we’re their safety net to take it out on. Also you know abusers like to divide and conquer so is this your partner’s way of separating you from the kids so it’s just you and him? I don’t know. Eitherway that’s an awful lot on your plate. Hope therapy helps xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you both so much your replies have meant the world to me and I’m honestly really struggling again today.

You both are great with your advice and I have had the same thoughts.

My husband appears to not like one child, doesn’t understand or sympathise. His manner is not good with dealing with the problems the kids have faced anyway, both with addition needs they have. I am scared that these needs are the result of the emotional neglect they feel from their Dad. But I’m also to blame too and that’s hard to accept.

I’m still foggy can’t work out anything and feel as though I’m in the depth of it all and no way of coming up for air just to think.

Both kids want to move out, husband more than happy.

I don’t want them to leave but would they be happier? probably. But with mental health challenges and ASD I’m worried they’re not ready. I’m not ready. I don’t want them to leave because of him, but I seem to be the problem too and I don’t how it’s got to be this way.

I have wondered if it’s divide and concur to and this isn’t the first time as my eldest left as his step dad/my husband didn’t get along. He was pushed out and I let it happen not know then what I know now.

He’s so nice I have forgotten how he can be and possibly I don’t notice it when he’s not great with the kids. I also feel sometimes they need to be told, they claim abuse when told off.

Husband is a knight in shining armour.

I admit I get triggered easily by the way I’m spoken to. I’m defensive and get upset about it and I wish I wasn’t this way it’s with everyone not just those I’m close to. I’ve lived abuse from my childhood and onwards so I know why but don’t know how to fix this.

I really don’t know how to deal with annyt and agree it could be a cry for help. It’s do confusing

A few years ago I separated from my husband. When husband left the older children acted this way towards me.

Husband then came home, reasons were because I had partially separated for the kids but felt it had made no difference and he won me back as I was dealing with the trauma bond plus the reaction from the older children and a different reaction from the younger ones who obviously missed their dad.

When he returned the older ones were resentful towards me for allowing him to but he did it in a way that I had no choice, saying he had been kicked out by his mum for seeing me again.

Such a head spin alongside everyday things and my mum with serious illness.

The older ones are late teens and early twenties so are adults.

I’m heartbroken 💔

[Marmalade]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,
You are in the middle here.
It is your decision what happens with your husband. No one else makes that decision. People can advise you but no one has the right to dictate to you and certainly no one has the right to punish you in any way for not doing what they want.
As far as the kids are concerned, a couple of things really stood out. One is that these older ones are adults, secondly that their attitude of disrespect and bad behaviour continued at the time you separated from your husband so him leaving did not improve their negative behaviour to you and thirdly that these young adults want to move out and live elsewhere. As adults that’s their choice. It sounds like they have outgrown the family home and all that is happening now is a toxic cycle of misery for everyone.
If they have told you they want to leave, have they taken any steps to sort this?
I am so sorry Chocolatebunnie you are stuck in a cycle of misery here. Would there be any possibility of your elder children finding their own accommodation and you having visits which could be more positive? I have no idea at all if that would work as only you know your family dynamic and needs but this is such a difficult situation for you. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do. You deserve a life free of abuse, aggression and pressure from anyone.

[Chocolatebunnie]

@Marmalade thanks for you supportive words, it has been very difficult a little calmer last few days thankfully.

They are definately ready to move on but would need support so it would be a lot to organise.

Hopefully will be able to have a conversation later now things have settled a bit.

I just get so triggered and they are so aggressive, guessing its frustration on their part.

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