Everything’s changed. Again.

[Drainedallthetime]

Just feeling so stupid at the moment, I mean after over a year of nothing it’s definitely enough to keep you around. But then it all starts again, the worst part is when you see the changes happening when you know what it’s all going to lead to in the end you don’t do nothing. well you try and voice your opinion but all of a sudden it doesn’t matter again until it’s too late and your back to square one. Now this time I don’t want to go back to what things were even though  I’ve already  somewhat allowed it. I’m just not sure what to do next and I kept saying to myself am I being naive in believing he has changed, well I guess he answered that question for me.. just so confused and more so annoyed at myself for allowing him to do it all over again.

[minimeerkat]

i responded to someone very recently saying if theres one thing we do its give our partner so many chances, too many to be truthful.  so please dont be so hard on yourself.  these relationships are not just addictive but incredibly confusing – there can be so much manipulation & gaslighting going on that its only natural we lose trust in ourselves & are unable to see the truth

one thing that might help you so much is to contact your local da service when you feel ready.  even if its just to talk to them as they dont put any pressure on you to do anything at all.  they are just there to listen, understand & support you if thats all you need at the moment.  theres always the live chat on here too if that felt more achievable.  posting on the forum will hopefully help you a lot as well because as you write down how youre feeling & why you will be able to make more sense of it all by doing this – helping you to see more clearly

the one thing that is guaranteed to keep us stuck in an abusive relationship is hope so its when we actually realize that believing they will change has gone on for far too long, its never going to happen & that our mental or physical health are suffering.  thinking of you x

[Drainedallthetime]

Hi minimeerkat,

hope you are well and thank you for responding to my post! I definitely agree with that. so many chances given and it almost feels like you’ve wasted so much of your life and that’s the thing that gets me, is putting all this effort in for years and years to just give it all up.  Being the person I am I definitely try to see the best in people and use any excuse to disregard the behavior.

I avoid taking it further because of the kids, which just makes the whole situation that much more confusing on how it should be dealt with. Especially when the good changes happened when our daughter arrived. She’s not seen this side of him and I definitely don’t want her too either as I already see the emotional effect it has had on our other child. And thats what’s giving me the push to get out. I just can’t understand why he would go back to this back on himself after all the changes he made.

[minimeerkat]

i can only think that its whether these changes he made were to actually benefit him somehow – whether something was going on that made him feel he had to present the nice version.  sometimes if they get any tiny hint of the possibility theyre losing control of us they can certainly become who we want them to be – but its usually only temporary until they know its worked

with a lot of professional help & support for quite a long period of time, it might be possible for abusive partners to make more permanent changes but sadly it still wouldnt be enough to help us feel for example things like loved, safe, secure, respected, valued & treated as an equal x

p.s. its so good that you are considering the effects this relationship might be having on your children

[Bananaboat]

Agree with minimeerkat, we keep hoping and the cycle works for a reason, they dangle just enough carrot to make us doubt the bad side. But some people leave big bang and others take their time. Someone described it to me like an elastic band, where you stretch it and let go and it goes back but over time the elastic band stretches until one day it breaks. Seeing his patterns, knowing it’s a cycle and will happen again, realising you get the same promises/excuses all help you to build up to leaving. As empathetic women we often have to give too many chances before we turn the tap off and say enough I’m done x

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