Evidence of abuse

[Catjam]

I have been looking into the evidence I need to show he is abusive and I have none. He hasn’t physically done anything for years, he doesn’t call me names or shout at me. He doesn’t need to, he conditioned me for years to be his compliant wife. Everything is so subtle.
It would be my word against his and he is so good at manipulating things. His work sent him to see a specialist because they were getting complaints about his management style and he came home bragging about having the guy eating out of his hand.
I have asked him to leave and he won’t, part of me feels I should go as I want to end it but then the growing anger side of me wants him removed. I didn’t ask to be in this situation surely he should be the one moving to a flat. But if I get him removed I then have to prove he is what he is. I used to keep a written log but always destroyed it for fear of him finding it.
I know I am using this as an excuse to stay as we are because it’s easier and less scary but I don’t want to be in this position in a year.

[KIP.]

Have you spoken to the police? The very nature of domestic abuse means it’s difficult to gather evidence or witnesses but the fact your scared of him in your own home should ring alarm bells with the police. There are new domestic abuse orders to have perpetrators removed and that’s what I’d ask the police to do. Some are 28 days and at least that would give you the breathing space. You shouldn’t have to gather evidence but he’s going nowhere. I’d start a safe exit plan. Write down a journal of all the abuse over the years as it will show a pattern. He’s conditioned you to be a compliant wife but when you decide not to be a compliant wife then his mask will slip. Talk to solicitors, women’s aid. Rights of women, the national domestic abuse helpline and start gathering knowledge. Knowledge is Power.

[gettingtired]

Just a thought, if you’re worried about him finding a handwritten journal. Could you send emails to your own email address and store them in an ordinary sounding folder on your email account like ‘bills’ or ‘car insurance’ or something? Xx

[Catjam]

Thank you. It’s usually why I post on here. For advice but also as a way of keeping track of things. I think I worry that it’s so subtle that other people will just think I am being over sensitive or dramatic. Sometimes I can’t even explain why I feel on edge or what he said that could have upset me. Trying to explain it to someone else I come across as silly if you get my drift.
Like the things I am talking about seem so trivial, I feel I will be told to get a grip and stop being so hard on him.

[ISOPeace]

Oh Catjam, it’s a horrible dilemma to want to keep evidence but keep it secret. I spoke to the national domestic abuse helpline yesterday and asked a similar question. They said a call to them counts as evidence and and anything you’ve reported to a doctor, health visitor etc as they keep notes. They explained that it’s known that controlling behaviour is hard to prove but lots of small things (or not so small) build up a picture so you shouldn’t need concrete proof. You might find it useful to talk to them, or get legal advice from Rights of Women etc.

Also, i don’t know how to do it but you can hide files on your phone. You could even save them on a cloud drive or Google drive so you’ve still got them even if something happens to your phone (same with emails). Xxxx

[Author]

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