Ex dating someone new – so was I the problem?

[summersun]

Hi all,

I recently saw from Facebook that my ex is dating someone new and I can’t stop thinking about it. I know I shouldn’t have checked his profile, but he sent me a message out of the blue trying to persuade me to get a drink with him (something he has done many times), so I checked and saw that he must have been dating someone a little while. I can even see that they are making the exact same in-jokes we used to make – which is surreal to see!

It’s really set me back. The emotional abuse started early on with him, it was less a relationship and more six months of being manipulated and bullied into being his little plaything, sexual abuse, and verbal bullying, at a time when I was vulnerable. After he broke up with me I spent months going round and round in circles wondering whether it really was abuse, or he was right and I am too petty, childish, always complaining, unable to think properly, overly anxious, the least laid back girl he ever dated, the reason for all the problems, crazy etc etc to have made a real relationship with him work. I also did get some therapy.

But in a way I feel like seeing him with someone new has made me feel like maybe it really WAS me and not him. Maybe I have got everything wrong and he really wasn’t that bad? Or could I have brought it on myself, because I am not laid back enough? Because she looks happy with him.

I know I shouldn’t have checked his page, or still be ruminating at this point – but I’m really overthinking it all again (perhaps because I’m not that laid back lol). How can I put my mind back on the right track? I feel like I’m playing detective to find some ultimate proof that he treated me badly that doesn’t exist. It’s like I need that to discount all the things he said about me. I realise that sounds a bit mad.

Thank you all 🙂

[SunshineRainflower]

Nope, you’re definitely not the problem, abusers love to use social media because it helps them create that fake mask of being a good/kind/awesome/fun/attractive/honest/wholesome person or whatever particular mask they favour. Nobody ever posts pictures of themselves on social media after having an argument, she’s in the honeymoon period at the moment too so she will look happy, but sadly is probably already being emotionally abused or if not then it is about to happen soon. Abusers keep repeating the same cycle with everyone.

They’re really good at making us take responsibility for their behaviour, question everything and blame ourselves, it’s one of the ways they trap us. It is gaslighting. My ex sounds similar to yours and I had a lot of confusion about it too, still do at times.

Have you written down a list of all of the abuse? That helps keep it clear in my head.

Also definitely block him on everything and delete all messages, never respond – look up ‘Hoovering’ in google which will explain it. He’s just trying to get a kick out of knowing you’re seeing his new relationship and are hurt by it, it makes him feel powerful. If he can he’ll also use you to triangulate with the new girl. Most of the time these men have several women on rotation for cheating and to make the others feel jealous and crazy. They are incapable of love, just of using and hurting others.

I struggled with the social media checking too, but it always feels better when I avoid it. Could you try marking it on a calendar the days you avoid it to help you establish a new pattern? Then after a while you’ll find you don’t want to check it as your brain will have started thinking about the new life you are building.

[Surviving]

Your not the problem. My ex was with someone a week after I moved out. I don’t think a man can handle being alone. I know my ex couldn’t. They have to have someone to control. Someone that needs them. That’s what they thrive on.
It is strange seeing them with someone else. I was with my ex for (detail removed by moderator)years so when I found out a week after we split he was with someone. A family friend she was. I thought maybe he didn’t love me all this time. How can someone move on so quick and he even chose her over his boys. The boys don’t wanna know him anymore. Mostly because of the abuse but they said from the beginning while he is with her they are not interested in trying to mend the relationship with him.
I learnt that actually I don’t care he is with her or if he ever loved me. I’m out of there now and alot happier. He will do the same again they don’t change.

[KIP.]

Just wondering why he is asking out an old girlfriend when he is dating someone new? Typical abuser behaviour trying to keep old victims close to reel them back in. Cheating and lying.

[Surviving]

I looked at my ex’s Facebook sometimes just to be nosy and we sit just over a year ago and he got with a friend a week after we split and there is still loads of pics of me and him together cuddling and kissing. I feel that’s weired if he is loved up with his new girlfriend why does he need those pics on Facebook or why would she be happy with that after a year. People looking at his page will think me and him are together. Men are strange creatures

[itmustbemesurely]

I understand, I asked mine to leave last summer, had months of horrendous abuse, suicide threats, controlling behavior, threats to with hold money, name calling, swearing, threats of harming himself, me and any new partner I would have. then it stopped dead, no messages nothing. it was obvious someone was giving him attention and now it’s his ‘girlfriend’ how come when a few weeks ago he was telling me he couldn’t live without me? now he wants me to ‘leave us alone’ when he has lost his family home because of debts and I am left to sort it all out. I can’t stop thinking like you, maybe it was me, maybe it was my fault, and I can imagine them together what he is telling her, telling her he loves her after a month, love bombing her, abandoning his children not supporting them through this dreadful time – instead wining and dining someone young enough to be his daughter, it makes me sick. I am not sleeping and a ball of anxiety, yet he walks off happily into the sunset – when does the anger go? the disappointment, the betrayal, how do you get over years of coercive control and bullying?

[Surviving]

The kids will see it though that he hasn’t supported them. My children won’t even speak with him anymore because instead of helping support them he was too busy chasing the first girl to come along. My kids even told him while he he was with her they won’t speak to him. His reply was they have to right to ask him that. Yes they do because it’s about the kids not us. The kids should always be first then ourselves after

[itmustbemesurely]

They will I guess, I have a strong bond with them, my son recognises that his Dad has ‘anger’ issues which is sad, but also says that ‘Dad seems happy now’ whilst I am bitter and angry in my mind because I have this dreadful situation to sort out. I just need to work out how to get the fun back in my life, and find some calm happiness which he has taken away from me

[Surviving]

Yes I know how you feel. I’ve been brightening the house up as it all used to be dull when eith him and that helps make you feel a little happier lol

[ballet]

I relate very strongly to how you feel. My ex cheated on me and (once he was sure of the new relationship) discarded me for her. I dissolved into tears. I felt as if something had snapped inside. He said very calmly, “You’ll get used to it,” and, “No one’s ever really on your side, you know.”

It seemed to me that the problem must be all mine if he was capable of just gliding into a new relationship like that. I wondered if his behaviour had been all my fault. I knew the woman he was with now, and she seemed perfect to me – good at pretty much everything she ever tried, and really pretty too. Surely she wouldn’t be with him if he was abusive? For a year I couldn’t resist the urge to keep periodically checking up on their public FB profiles, and every clue I saw that told me they were still together made me hurt all over again. As in your case, he made similar jokes with her to the ones he’d made with me, and this made me feel even more like an old broken toy that had been replaced with a new shiny version.

Fast-forward a few years, and I’m friends with that ‘new shiny version’. He abused her too. Did the exact same things. Said the exact same things. If anything, in her case it was worse. She ended up being hospitalised because his behaviour drove her to the point of suicide. I lost about 20% of my body weight, but I was never that miserable and unwell. The in jokes were the same, yes…but so was the abuse.

For a while I felt guilty that I hadn’t warned this woman what he could be like, but then I realised that when someone is in love they’re unlikely to believe you anyway. I did the most sensible thing I could in doing my absolute best not to check their social media and to put whatever they might be up to out of mind. I never succeeded totally, but I at least managed to go a few months at a time without looking, and that gave me some temporary peace – and the opportunity to focus on myself and what I needed. You need to care for yourself now, and you can’t do that so well if you keep wondering about his life. Can you block him, to remove the temptation to check? Then make a list of kind things you can do for yourself whenever you’re doubting your experiences – taking a walk, making a cup of fancy hot chocolate, having an early night with a favourite book, whatever helps you to gently bring your attention back to where it needs to be.

[Author]

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