Ex has new partner

[lionessinthedark]

Hi, last couple of days I felt confused and anxious, since I’ve heard my ex has a new partner. Now, I’ve left (detail removed by moderator) ago, met someone new myself, yet all of a sudden all sorts of strange feelings and emotions get stirred up.

Maybe I should add that we share a son, so I’ve never been able to fully cut ties and move on, which I found hard. On one hand I wish to have as little interaction as possible, on the other hand I want to make sure I am involved enough to notice if my son isn’t okay being around his dad, and also the need to be “friendly” because I simply cannot live with constant anger/resentment and fear. I need to be okay in order to move and and deal with the everyday struggled life still throws at us.

Now, this new woman has met my son and supposedly they got on great, which is lovely. But what if the bad, abusive side of his dad returns now that he’s in a relationship again. I don’t want my son to ever experience what happened before again.

And then there is this weird feeling of not wanting him to see anyone else. But why? I don’t want to be with him because even if he did change (which I don’t think he has, since he’s not worked on his problems) I could never forgive what he’s done and how he made me feel. Yet, there is this anger and sadness, that someone else might be the right one for him and manages to fulfill his ludicrous demands? I full well know this is ridiculous, because it was never possible to do “the right thing” and I am fairly certain that he’s done the exact same s**t to his ex-wife before me. Will he tell lies about me to the new person? Will he be honest about what happened? How will all of this affect my son?

I feel like all of a sudden my thoughts go in circles. Had anyone here been through something similar? How did it go? How did it make you feel?

 

 

[Lisa]

Hi lionessinthedark,

I’m really sorry to hear you’re feeling like this, but it is completely understandable. Many women experience these feelings when their abusive ex starts a new relationship. The healing process takes time, and it’s understandably even more difficult if you have a child with your perpetrator; you’re still maintaining that contact.

Obviously no one can really know what he’ll be like, however, he may well be abusive in his new relationship too as in my experience perpetrators don’t tend to change depending on who they’re with. With this awareness though you can keep an eye on your son and try and get him some additional support if he needs/ if his behaviour changes.

These are all perfectly valid feelings that you’re having. Have you ever thought about any counselling to try and work through some of this?

Take care,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

I feel the same, but all I am grieving is the nice him he presents when you first meet him.

I’m trying to remind myself that in time, she’ll get the aggressive bully that is the real him.

I’m a successful, otherwise independent woman and the fact that I’m pining after a homeless, unemployed alcoholic is beyond me, but there it is.

Never forget what he did to you, how he made you feel. He won’t be pining after you, that’s for sure. If he’s anything like my ex, any woman will do and I was nothing special to him even in the beginning 🙁

[Violetdays]

Hi Lionessinthedark
First of all focus on you not him. You can’t control him but you can help yourself.
The only way I am able to process these types of feelings is to remember that they come from the love I had for my ex in the past. And love is a generous and good thing given by good people. So you should feel proud you can still feel! You’ve just got to redirect it to people who are worth it- that’s you and your son.
I know how you feel because I’m going through something similar and there are moments when I’m distraught, missing my ex and feeling jealous that he’ll move on and have a ‘happy fairytale story’ with someone else who will be everything he needs to sort out his problems. She’ll get all the honeymoon and none of the ending. (It’s very new for me as a relatively recently split. Same scenario as @lostforever has.) I have no idea why I should still feel anything but I do. Not nice to admit but human!
For a while the love you felt was very real so you need time to feel sad that it is gone. You feel upset because you’ve lost something important -even if the relationship didn’t turn out to be what you thought. You’ve lost what you hoped for and the man you thought you had. They were real to you. If you hadn’t loved him (or the version of him he had you believe in to start with) and you weren’t sad in some way then you’d be a pretty awful person. So the fact you are feeling this shows your humanity.
I suppose the thing is to remember that you can grieve the loss of something that should have been but then you need to focus on the truth. Which is that it wasn’t reality.
I have written down everything my ex did that was horrible and I read it when I feel this way. But I know I need to work on my self worth too (cliche but true) and it sounds like you do too if you are comparing what you did to what the new g/f can do. So write down all of your wonderful points and read them and think about why he shouldn’t be worth any space in your head. You’ll be able to go on to have happy and healthy relationships but he won’t. It might look like he is. But think about all the times people probably thought you two were happy and what was really going on. All the times you probably seemed great but weren’t.
I don’t know the details but if he was abusive, emotionally or otherwise, then he’s likely n**********c or has some of those traits- sounds like it if he’s not able to sustain relationships well. He will find someone new because he will be showing her all the good stuff that you fell in love with but ultimately isn’t real. That new g/f might be getting the lovely version now but just remember she’s at the beginning of the journey and currently getting the nice stuff she will never see again. You’ve already got through it. It’s highly unlikely that she will ‘fix him’ and you didn’t fail because you didn’t. Only he can fix himself. Till then everyone else is just collateral damage. He will carry on as before. But you can move on.
Your son has you so he has what he needs to make him safe and secure. And you’re his mum so no one will ever be as important to him as you. If he likes the new g/f that is a good thing. But he won’t ever connect to her the way he does to you. And it sounds like you are going to keep him safe and would be aware if anything untoward started happening.
If you start thinking about everything give yourself a minute to feel what you feel, then remember the bad stuff, tell yourself he doesn’t deserve any more of your time or space in your head. And do something else. That’s what I’m trying to do.
Good luck with everything.

[standtogether]

So much amazing advice already I just wanted to empathise with you. I too have a similar situation and found it hard when my ex moved on very quickly. I knew I couldn’t be with him and he was never going to treat me well but hearing he had moved on hit me like a ton of bricks. We had a toddler together and dating became his priority very quickly. It actually confirmed to me how little he cared about us and the pure lies he told.

I remember reading something about abusive exes moving on and how it’s quite normal to feel annoyed if they seem to have just forgotten everything and get that happiness of another relationship. Expect we all know they aren’t happy really are they!

I think my blinkers for my ex have continued to keep falling down but sometimes I still miss elements of him.xx

[Anonymous]

I read somewhere that abusers’ relationships are transactional not emotional, so while im breaking my heart, my ex has just been concentrating on finding his next victim. He needs someone else’s money to spend and a mug to blame for all his failings.

[standtogether]

It’s so transactional for them, like a car, just trade it in for the next one. Your right it’s absolutely like that and it’s all a plan they have for if he can’t control us anymore or if we find him out

[Ariana]

Some loveley advice on this thread! I’m in the early stages of being on my own and I keep dreaming that I’m deeply in love with him. I really miss the good times..I reinvented him in my head as a nice person…but then I read through all the stuff hes done to me and remind myself how bad I wanted it to end. I suppose the brain naturally tries to block out trauma…paint over the ugly parts …but just keep going… it will pass..I too fear that a new partner will be able to get the best out of him… that it was something I did/ the way I handled him…. but I couldn’t have done it any differently or tried anymore than I did. I just keep pushing forward and look for good in life..thrive on the love of my children..family..friends..healthy relationships… people who genuinely care about my emotional health. Message me anytime as I can very much relate to how your feeling xxxx

[lionessinthedark]

First of all, thank you to all of you who have taken the time to respond to my message! It means a lot to get some feedback and feel less alone in this.

@Lisa I have done some counselling just after the separation but not since. I was hoping to maybe join a group of women to exchange experiences but then Covid happened and this definitely was out of the question.

@Lostforever I know that I wasn’t special in any way, the abuse happens if they find someone to abuse. Quite frankly, the nice sides have been very brief in the relationship, but he’s shown another side after the breakup, especially with our son, which makes it tricky at times to foresee how he is going to react in the future. Right after the breakup he didn’t do any of the stuff he scared me with, yet even after such a long time I am left with the worry about when he is going to turn again.

@Violetdays I think you make a pretty valid point of grieving something that hasn’t been. I’ve always been striving to make him happy and work around his “issues” because of the problems he experienced in the past. Yet, deep down I knew early on that my love is not met with the same feelings… he always put himself first and the relationship I imagined never happened. I worry because, first and foremost, I don’t want my son to witness any(more) of the abuse he did see in the past. Even though a lot of it was “only” psychological abuse, he could sense the problems and tension. But secondly, I don’t want another woman to go through this either… Thanks for all your advice, I’ll definitely try and take it in.

@standtogether Thanks for your words. He didn’t even move on that quickly, I did a lot quicker than he did. I’ve been in that situation before though, and it totally sucks and makes you question everything you had with that person, so I am sorry you have to go through this. I am mostly worried about what he will do and how he will change in this new situation.

@Lostforever I think you make a pretty good point here about them being transactional. I am surprised in a way it took him so long to find someone new, because I know its the only way he can “work” on someone. I would not be surprised if she earns well and has a decent living in general.

@standtogether Unfortunately, yes, we’re just playing a part in their sad story.

@Ariana Yeah, I think we’re good at blocking out the bad bits naturally, which makes it so difficult to deal with abusers, because we want to see the good things in them so badly.

On another note, I’ve today learned that my son spent the whole weekend at the new partner’s house… which makes me rather upset. It’s okay to have a new partner, but please let me know where my child is and also… I can see a cycle repeating itself… spending lots of time together, moving in way too quickly, as a way of gaining more control over the person. Maybe I am wrong, I really do hope I am wrong, but I can just see how things are going to go down badly… and since my son is involved I am absolutely devastated…

[lionessinthedark]

And just like that (detail removed by moderator) have passed, and unfortunately, another one of those things feel like history repeating. Even though they didn’t meet that long ago, he is now moving in with his new partner (who is not even divorced yet). Which is not that dissimilar to how things started with us. He got divorced and (detail removed by moderator) later I moved in with him… And here I am worried. Again.

My son seems to get on with the new partner, as well as with her son, which is great! I am glad that he seems to be happy around them. However, I have been seeing a very different side of my ex after our breakup, and also since he has a new partner. He is getting more involved with our son, he is more understanding, saying he wants to give me a break and support me. I don’t trust this positive experience though. Will he turn again, once he moved in with his new partner? Will his bad sides slowly creep up and my son will have to witness them, and, another woman and child? Should I be doing something to prevent this?

He mentioned he would like to take my son during the week, which until now, he usually refused, saying it was too much, because he’s working full time and living further away from where I stay and our son’s Nursery is. With moving in with his partner he will be closer again and he recently (detail removed by moderator), which will give him more freedom of taking days off etc, I guess. In itself that sounds great to me, if I get to have him once on the weekend as well, so it’s more split between the two of us. But I think he means more time with our son in general, weekend and during the week, and I wonder, if he is trying to making me look like the bad parent that can’t cope? During this pandemic I’ve struggled badly at times, on my own with a very active child, nowhere to go, especially during Winter with bad weather… and my own health issues. Is he really trying to be supportive and has changed, or is he like any abuser, just trying to work on his next coup? A couple of weeks back I had a really hard time dealing with our son and when he was picking him up, which usually ends up in (detail removed by moderator), unless he is offered some toys or what not, and I started bawling my eyes out, because I was so tired, so exhausted etc. I am scared he is going to use this against me.

And lastly, I’ve not yet met this new woman in his live, even though I’ve asked to on several occasions, simply because I want to know who my son is spending this much time with. Now I do wonder, did he ever tell her why we split up? Should I tell her? Did anyone else experience a similar situation and how did you approach it? Tell the truth, or be cautious? Allow the ex to be part of your child’s life or not?

[Camel]

Hi Lioness

It looks like there’s still a power imbalance between you and your ex. It could help you to separate out all the confusing thoughts. Also, remember we’re all living under extreme and unusual conditions and you’d be a saint not to be affected!

It seems to me that these are the issues –

You still feel pressured to be perfect. You don’t allow yourself to have the odd bad day, to not cope sometimes.

You worry he’ll try for full custody of your child.

Shared custody isn’t formalised – or it is but he doesn’t stick to the agreement – and you have to accommodate his changing demands.

You don’t trust this new ‘involved dad’ act.

He has a string of new partners and expects you to accept them all as instant ‘step mum’.

You worry that he’s telling these women lies. Or not telling them the truth. You wonder if you should tell them.

Maybe spend some time writing out your thoughts and putting these issues in order of importance? Only worry about the ones at the top of the list.

[lionessinthedark]

Thanks for your words @Camel. You’ve certainly nailed some observations there…

I do try to be perfect and find it hard to accept that it’s impossible. I wish I could offer my son a different life and constantly feel guilty. Even though I do know that not everything I do is wrong and that I have a lot to offer as well.

And I think I knew for a while that the power balance between us is still off, and find it tricky to accept that he, yet again, managed to manipulate me. It constantly makes me question if I’ve made the right choice in having him in our son’s life or if I should have tried everything possible to keep him away from both of us. I know this kind of thinking won’t change anything and so I have been considered looking into getting single custody at this point, but think it would be very difficult for me to get it, since I did allow him to be part of our son’s life until now.

I will try and write my thoughts down to the things you mentioned, that’s great advice. Thank you!

[Camel]

If your son feels secure in your love for him then your mothering is as near perfect as it can get. Keep protecting him from his father’s abuse but take control of contact. Remember that arrangements can be changed in law if it’s in the interests of the child. Remember too that your ex’s new women could be allies and not enemies. Your child is in their care some of the time so friendly is good. And this will surely p*ss off your ex, an added bonus 🙂

[cakepops]

I wrote a post about my ex having a new partner this week too, and there are lot’s of similarities with how we are both feeling.

I too notice that history is repeating itself – the relationship moving very fast and it is frustrating that this is being done with no consideration for all the children involved. I am also suspicious that the pace of the relationship may be connected to wanting to look like the perfect ‘family man’ when decisions are being made soon about the children.

It’s very likely that their relationships will end the same way ours did. But right now is the ‘honeymoon’ phase where they will be doing everything they can to look like amazing partners and fathers. I feel so very sorry for this poor woman as I can see he hasn’t changed permanently – he’s just moulding himself in the person she wants to be with for now.

Be kind to yourself – it’s a tough time x

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi, I just wanted to say I understand these posts and can relate on varies points.
Unfortunately I have the added level of my recent ex also being abusive.
My child’s dad moved on with a new partner and I also wondered about talking to her but decided it wasn’t worth it, if I was in her shoes and someone approached me I wouldn’t believe them.
I can see similar patterns and no doubt it will end in a similar way to how it did for me. Although I managed to leave him, the one he’s with now lives with him and has to my mind little family and has moved areas.
I have the same issues with contact or times when he has our child, he turns up later than he says or drops of late. Always excuse and I don’t question it as its easier or rather I don’t react as that’s what he wants.
It’s so hard and so draining, and he’s still in control.
We have an informal arrangement for contact that he mostly sticks to with some elements of change on his part. Ie lateness or trying to get extra time by just turning up when it’s not his time. Again I don’t question this mostly as it’s just designed to antagonise me.
My child seems happy to be with the new partner and gets on well, all I can hope is that she looks out for my child when in her care. I never question my child when they returns and hope that they can come to me with any concerns and it seems this does work on occasion as I have had a few conversations with them. I have told my child that they can not fix any problems with dad, reassure that I am always here and love them. I do worry as he uses bribery with our child as he can afford to buy fancy things, expensive holidays etc but I no although I can provide some of these things to, I am 100% there for my child emotionally and in every other sense and material things are not important to me as they clearly are to him.
If anyone has any other tips on dealing with an ex you have a child with or would like to chat more please message as this is a difficult situation which as I said is draining and I feel you have to be alert and 2 steps ahead sometimes. Its also very isolating when friends don’t quite understand the complexity and just think the ex is difficult.

[midnightshadow]

I too have been in the same situation. Very soon after me he moved onto another girl. I met her at a (detail removed by moderator) as we share a son. I found out years down the line as I had the girls phone number for when he used it to message me, that he abused her aswell. In many of the similar ways but some different. For example hitting her with objects and pushing. He never did some of the new things he did to her to me (which are too specific to mention) but he also did way worse things to me as we share a son and our son would make him angry if he cried.
He has now entered a new relationship after I rejected getting back together with him after this girl left. He had been with her a (detail removed by moderator) and started talking to me about how I was horrible and controlling and he wanted a baby with her. You can see he is the same pattern of getting young women, moving them in and moving really quickly through the relationship. He did the same to me and stopped me going out places. I genuinely feel she is a nice person who hasn’t got to the abuser yet. When I met the young girl, I felt at ease when she was with my son and not when my son was with the Dad. I was happy for this girl to be with my son and not his father. I guess because she isn’t the problem and she is just a normal woman. The father then made out I hated the girlfriend and was giving her nasty looks. Showing he is still the same, she isn’t the problem.

I also have had the same thoughts as you, wondering if he actually doesn’t do it to her? Why not her and why me and the ex gf? I had dreams about being with him again in a romantic way and I can’t really get my head round it. But the responses here have been really helpful. It is a longing of the nicer side to them and why you got together in the first place. If it was all doom and gloom you wouldn’t have dated them. But that’s how abusers suck you in into these relationships otherwise they’d be alone. I know he is still the same after all the ways he’s acted towards me. Will it happen to her? I see it as very likely and I hope she gets out sooner than I did. It is likely the same with you

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