Ex moving on

[Anonymous]

Hi ive been away from my abusive ex for some months now , it was my decision to walk away from a very toxic relationship, I ignored all his attempts at reconciliation and have been no contact since our break up . Although I can accept the relationship is over , I’m
Struggling with the fact he may have moved on , although he cheated on me whilst we were together and I know he was doing online sex , it’s the moving onto another relationship that I’m struggling with now and I try and tell myself over & over it won’t be any different to how he treated you , it’s still my stumbling block that I fear , it’s always been something I fear as he used this against me every time we broke up that he moves on quick , so I stayed with him in fear that he would meet someone else and I didn’t want that , but if I know I can’t be with him and don’t want to , why am I feeling as though I don’t want him to move on x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Duchess,

I believe this is down to deep rooted insecurities within ourselves and that our self worth is not where it should be. Many years ago I also successfully ended a relationship with my abusive ex and then went all out to get him back when I found out he’d ‘moved on’ with someone else. He hadn’t actually ‘moved on’, he’d just found another woman to fill a gap in his life because he couldn’t be by himself either, but what I have learned about myself over the years is that I ‘made do’ with the wrong man because it seemed better than being alone. I too feared that someone else would end up with the ‘wonderful’ man I’d somehow lost! In 2022 I am now very aware of where I went wrong in the past, and that’s down to educating myself on DA and my own values, boundaries and needs that I need meeting. You are on this path now too.

You are right by telling yourself he won’t be any different with someone else. If he’s cheated on you that should be sufficient enough for you to be glad your relationship with him is over. His behaviours won’t change, just as ours won’t really. If you are a loving, caring, faithful person you are likely to always bring that to a relationship aren’t you? You’re not going to be that person to him and then suddenly change your ways towards a new partner and become the total opposite. This new woman in his life is being performed to at the moment. He is acting. He is showing her a side of him that he wants her to fall for and once she does he can stop the performance and be himself. It’s likely she will then try very hard to get the man back that she thought he was, just like you did, only to find he doesn’t really exist. The difference with us all is how long do we keep trying to find the man we thought was there when the evidence and reality shows us that he doesn’t actually exist anymore? That’s the Cognitive Dissonance at work.

Give yourself a huge pat on the back and silently wish this woman ‘all the best’. Use this moment as the final act of your separation and try and accept he has moved on (for now!) Draw a line under it and remind yourself that whatever the hopes and dreams you had with him were… just that – hopes and dreams, because I guess what you envisaged with him he never showed you any signs of it actually happening?

(Detail removed by Moderator) has a great video on explaining projection. This is where we meet someone and based on a few good things that we find out about them we then use our imagination to fill in the rest and make these men our ideal relationship partner despite them never showing us any behaviours that prove to us they’re anything like what we want them to be like. Instead of walking away from men who don’t meet our needs we continue to keep trying with them in the hope that one day they will. I bet if you are totally honest with yourself you will realise that you should have walked away from him within the very first few weeks of meeting him for one reason or another.

You have done so well to come this far, please don’t make the mistake I did out of fear of loneliness and low self worth. In time to come you will find someone absolutely worthy of you and be in a very fulfilling relationship with someone YOU CHOOSE to be with, not just end up with.

xx

[Password1234]

This was me even though he was with my m8 I longed for him back as a sense of not allowing my friend to have him when in fact after I went in to a rest bite I realised he’s s**m n there was no going ba k I just didn’t no how to cope without being told who to speak to and where to go

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your response, and kind words , unfortunately for me at the time I met my ex partner I was grieving the loss of my dad and I think I was trying to fill the void of missing my dad so much , there were lots of red flags early on and due to me missing that attention I got from my dad I tried to replace it with my ex , that’s y our relationship became like a boomerang one . I made lots of excuses for his behaviour and tried to help him with his alcohol issues which were blamed for his behaviour. I’ve never really had a lot of confidence and since being with my ex and break up , struggling to get that back really now , it’s like I’m stuck at this spot and I can’t get passed it , I don’t want to go back with him , but I want to move forward in how I’m
Feeling and fully let go and I don’t think I’m there yet x

[Bananaboat]

My ex recently announced he has a new partner and it hurt initially even though I definitely don’t want him back.

I think the hurt is that they seemingly move on and ‘get it all’ whilst we are stuck dealing with the aftermath. Whilst he’s off lovebombing, we’re missing that ultimate dream of a happy relationship & home life and it can feel lonely. We thought we’d have it with them. We were so close. I miss the good times, I know he’ll be sweeping her off her feet…but I also know it will all change. He will use her, he won’t care about her feelings, he will cheat on her, he won’t love her – she’s just the new supply. That’s how your ex was able to move on so quickly.

Remember they are deeply broken and will never be happy, whilst we will – whether that’s being happy alone or meeting a new partner, we’ll learn to enjoy life again. The new relationship is an illusion, it’s not the dream you wanted xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Duchess.. I hear you with this… mine moved on to his next host just months after separation .. it was so unexpected and hurt as I didn’t expect him to move on after so many years married, so many times ‘there’s no one else for.me’ blah de blah bull c**p

So yes it hurts, for the good times, the loss,.grief… you won’t have him back, you don’t want him back… he will want this to hurt you, as you said, he liked to tell you that he moves on fast… he was pathing the way and that one has stuck with you..

Currently I am on the Pattern Change Course, wow it is helping with showing Me how little self worth I have. You are a queen compared to your ex, he isn’t happy as these men are never happy, they are not real… whatever he is showing his new GF, it is all fake and he will start his abuse with her drip drip.
I want to send you a hug ❤️ this hurt feeling won’t last Duchess

[Work-In-Progress]

I think it could be also, it’s hard to watch the person that hurt you be happy, when they made you so unhappy. I feel this at the moment, not with a relationship but just watching things go well for him whilst im struggling so much, take care xx

[Author]

Posts