Ex won't leave me alone

[owlbaby]

I become stronger mentally and move on with my life and look after my children well and he smashes me down again emotionally. Criticisms, accusing me of being abusive, getting involved with kids teachers etc, all the while everything he writes is overly friendly and respectful. In reality the kids are trying to assert their feelings and are shut down and told they feel something else. I’m bullied for increased contact and told I have to comply verbally while the written account says that he’s open to my suggestions. Whenever I do well or look like I’m moving on he tightens his iron grip normally by brainwashing the kids, trying to take over my role and increasing access. I’m so down and it’s affecting the time I do have with my kids. Do they ever win in the long run? I am tired of the control and manipulation. No contact and doing well means he ups his game 🙁

[Lisa]

Hi Owlbaby,

I am sorry for your situation. It sounds to me that you and the children are doing great so please take heart in the fact that you are feeling stronger and I bet the children are thriving despite his attempts to sabotage yours and their happiness. Please get plenty of support from your local Women’s Aid group and also you could get in touch with Rights of Women (www.row.org.uk) for some advice. Keep documenting down his behaviour, making notes of things he is saying to the children, when he lets you down, anything abusive he is saying to you, being late for pick ups or drop offs and ask the school to do the same if the children disclose anything to them. It is not clear if you have a formal contact arrangement but I would recommend that you get some advice from the above organisations if you do not have one already. Any organisations with experience of domestic abuse will be very aware that abusive men use child contact as a way to try and maintain power and control long after the relationship has ended. The helpline can also offer you some advice and support.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[owlbaby]

Dear Lisa, thank you for your advice.

I haven’t told the school as I’m reluctant to involve them. I do however suspect that he has told the school I’m the abusive one. He is worried I’ll move away and on with my life and I’m pretty sure he’s got involved with the pta. To be honest I don’t play games and am starting to see him for the person he is. He has less power over me now as I’m less afraid of him. I am a bit worried he spreads rumours about me, just from the way people at the school act towards me sometimes. I’m just tired of it all. I’ve got better things to spend my energy on than fight these childish games. But I’m also aware that he could do a lot of damage to my freedom and reputation if he wants to (which he is already doing to a certain extent 🙁

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi owlbaby,

Good that you feel less afraid of him and are able to see who he really is.

Although be very careful.
You can count on him for having already reported you as the abusive one to the school and he will smear you further to as many possible organisations as he can.
My ex went to the school behind my back during class hours, my daughter told me that she saw him. When asking him about what he was doing there, he was surprised that I knew and looked down on me and said; you’ll find out soon enough. It freaked me totally out. I started having my panic attacks. Everything really quickly went down hill from then on.
He continued the smear campaign and went to the GP and youth welfare office and I’m sure other places that I don’t know about.

Please absolutely call Women’s Aid to help you taking your next steps. Get all the support you can to keep yourself and children safe and together.

Wish you good luck

[Iwon]

Hi there
Sorry for your troubles. My ex did the same. I was resident parent and he had visitation. Was constantly accusing me of neglecting our child, alienating him from his dad etc etc. He went to school constantly and talked to other parents about me saying God knows what. I would bow down to his demands for years because I was scared of what he would do next. He is great at acting like superdad but did everything to turn people and school against me. I used to be scared to go to school to pick up child and felt isolated. He would criticize everything and anything. Yet never paid child support or contributed anything.

I was terrified of going back to court again because he is so convincing. In the end next time he threatened court I said I will await the papers. Rightly or wrongly in this country if child is residing with mom it is rare they change it. I cut direct contact with him and deal by text. I do one line answers and ignore all the rubbish. He has no access to me or my home.

WHEN I changed and realized I was past being scared of him and did not want to live controlled by someone I wasn’t married to. He tried for years but has near enough given up. He is rediculous now. He will send a text saying your horrible. I want 50 50 custody I ignore it all. In reality even if he went to court as long as I provide reasonable access our child will continue to live with me.

His only power I realized was my fear of him. Just a weak little boy having a tantrum. The police advised a contact book so when he gets stroppy I go back to contact book.

He still tries to alienate my child but he knows where home is and I didn’t tell him the full story but he saw enough to know who is the good parent

[Author]

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