Explanations for the trauma bonding and pain post break up…

[Healthyarchive]

There was a very helpful post on here today about abusers dealing with accusations against them. For me its all now coming together the type of man I was trying to deal with and my confusing relationship. It has taken months of soul searching, understanding thoughts and feelings and researching abuse. I asked myself today ‘Why do we feel so traumatized after we break up with them if they were such a negative part of our lives and we wanted out?’. I think its the intermittent reinforcement (I love you, I miss you, you are beautiful), together with the partial achievement of your desire of being in a relationship/married/having a family, and sometimes the good times and hope. Hot and cold & mixed messages must also play a part. If it were clearly bad and destructive every single moment of every day i’m sure it would be so much easier to deal with. But these other things are what makes it so confusing. Also I read in one of the abuse books, after you split up you have the “Ever Presence” which is his control lurking somewhere, either your hope of returning to the ‘Golden Period’of lovebombing/aka grooming, or he is controlling you in some way still. I believed for some time that my ex maintained his control through silent treatment. XXXXX

[abcxyz]

Totally agree with you. It’s everything you say, combined with what we’ve been used to. That has been the norm for so long, that it feels strange for it not to be anymore. I have such a sense of freedom but have his voice inside saying “that’s a waste of money” or “ooh is it your birthday?” or “you’re too soft on him” etc. etc. … I have heard those words so many times that I feel his control over me still – but only now I just do it anyway (and feel a bit bad!!!) … it is very confusing .. I think once you can see them for what they are, the confusion turns a little to pity, and a little towards gratitude that you’re not part of it all anymore. x

[strong soul]

I think there is a form of Stockholm syndrome at work here. We all fall in love with a charming man, who initially makes us feel better than any other man has. For me the first form of abuse was emotional blackmail. He made me feel like I was the only woman on the planet. Then came the sob story of his life, followed by if you ever left me I don’t know what I will do. After that he had complete control over me, slowly over time. You learn to do what you have to do to survive. You lose all sense of who you are, dependent on them to tell you what to do, wear, eat. When that connection is broken you feel lost. It’s been so long since you were able to make your own decisions.

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