Falling apart

[Weepingwillow]

I hate myself , I don’t know who I am anymore . I’m
An indecisive wreck. I pity him when he looks like a lost child, I hate him when he’s cruel , hate that I never has the strength to leave , scared of the effect this has in my kids and my failure to be stronger for them 😢
I’ve tried to call
Helplines but can never get through and even that gives me panic attacks
I don’t know what to say to the kids . I don’t want to turn them against him but I
Don’t want them believing this is normal either
My parents have bit passed away recent years and I have no real friends . My sister is the only One I can turn to but she tells me to leave and speak to social
Services which scares me
My therapist ( seeing her for Ptsd from a trauma last year not to do with husband) and she told me after 3rd session he is a n********t and hindering my recovery . My sessions since have been more about him than the actual trauma . Everything in my life always ends up about him . She has said I am best to stay until the kids are older as she thinks he would turn the kids against me but I’m finding it hard . My teen seems distant already . Husband said it’s my fault as I let him have horrible friends who are bullies . Why would my son spend his time with his mates rather than being with us If his friends were horrible ? I’ve told him the constant shouting is the reason and he just can’t see it , says kids need discipline and he doesn’t want them to be brats
I’m so tired of it all
Sorry for the long rant x

[Eggshells]

Hi at Weepingwillow. You sound so low.

Having stayed with my ex for the kids I can now tell you that I heartily regret that I did so. I’m afraid I can’t agree with your therapist. When I did finally leave, both of my children understood. One of them has since come to the realisation that he was also abused by his father and it drove him to the edge.

Yes, my ex has tried to turn both of them against me, without success. One of them really dislikes his father now, the other knows when his father is trying to manipulate him.

Your son is at an age where he will want to spend more time with his friends. If they are bullies then it may be even more prudent to get your son out of there and away from his father and maybe away from his friends. He may be learning to bully from his father. Narcs are not good for kids. I was raised by one and married to one so I am confident in saying that it is best for you and your son to get away.

Your OH won’t change, he won’t even be able to comprehend that there is anything wrong with him. In order to be able to live with a narc, they have to admit to and understand their illness. On the rare occasions that this happens, they have to make a choice whether to just stay as they are or enter into a lifelong battle against their instincts, which they don’t perceive as wrong.

If you don’t already have a keyworker from your local DV charity, now would be a really good time to ask for one.

You can ring Women’s Aid and ask them to help you to find your local charity or you can google it. Then, when you are alone, give them a ring.

Once you have a keyworker, she will be able to give you options. You choose what is right for you and she will support you in any decisions you make.

Please remember to cover your tracks.

That feeling of not knowing who you are can be really desolating but remember the core you is still there. Try writing down what you do know about yourself. For example are you kind, loving etc? Those core values never went away, even if they’ve been masked. Try to find them; it gives you something to hold on to and build around. I promise you, no matter how much you’ve had to change who you are over the years, the real you is still there. xx

[Weepingwillow]

Thank you so much for your response Eggshells .
So sorry you have had to endure a father and partner like that . You are an inspiration to stand up and do the right thing
My son seems really happy with his friends, i think my husband would rather blame them than accept he is the bully.
My younger son seems to avoid his Dad now .
I will carry on trying to get in touch with women’s aid but they are obviously busy in these strange time’s and there are women in worse situations than me xx

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