False choice?

[Indeepindance]

Hi,

This one I’ve been struggling to vocalise until now. My ex during a bad argument often wouldn’t let me have my say because we were ‘going around circles’ as I was wanting to discuss everything that I’d experienced but he was about moving forward and leaving the past behind. I’d then be presented with a choice, do you want to sort this out, yes or no? And the only two options were those, with no buts. We were going to do it his way, because we weren’t getting any younger and didn’t have time to waste fighting (even though he’d spent a long while talking at me).

So whilst it wasn’t working for me because I wanted to say of course I want to sort this out but I need to know you’ve heard me and acknowledged my feelings, I felt threatened by the consequences of no being the only other option and I would have to leave. Was that a deliberate tactic or just someone wanting to smooth things over quickly in their logical way without complicating things any further? I just don’t know but I know it didn’t feel good and by the end I had multiple unresolved issues swirling inside which made me lose it one day and unleash all hell.

[Moongazer]

I can relate to what you have described. He doesn’t sound like someone who wants to sort things out, unless that involves your feelings not being considered. My partner would just talk at me, often not really saying anything that was relevant to the original disagreement. But as soon as I tried to say anything, he would shut me down or just not respond to me or get into a huge rage. And then would tell me that we are going round in circles and the conversation was pointless. I would end up getting exhausted with the whole thing and just agree with him to put an end to it.

[Indeepindance]

Moongazer that’s exactly it! You just end up agreeing to move on for some peace but it gnaws at you afterwards whilst they act as though nothing ever happened. You just feel cheated and a like you died a little bit more inside.

[Bananaboat]

Yep been there too – they really are so similar! The word spaghetti I think it’s called or should be haha. He’d go off on wild tangents totally unrelated to the original issue and rant for hours until I’d give in. Don’t forget the silent treatment after it which would only end when he decided and you were never allowed to revisit the original argument so nothing got resolved (unless in his favour).

[Indeepindance]

Bananaboat yes!! Where do they get all that energy from? Exhausting all of it- then just like that they want everything back to normal like it never happened and you’re still spinning…

[Darknessallaround]

I can also relate to what has been described here. Being talked at rather than to. Being verbally shut down when they decide the conversation is over. The silent treatment where the air is full of negative emotion, which in some ways is worse than full-on rant mode. The treading on eggshells as you try not to make things worse, but never knowing quite what will set them off again. Then the personality switch where they suddenly become Mr Reasonable again and it’s as though the previous exchange never happened.

[Indeepindance]

Darknessallaround you describe it so well- I very rarely got the silent treatment but often got accused out of nowhere of being in a mood when actually I’d been completed fine! So you’re right when you say never knowing what might set them off again. Sometimes it’s absolutely nothing!!

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