Family are missing my Ex

[Haven]

Visiting my folks and they say they are missing my Ex and won’t ever see him again. Saying our kids are badly affected ( yes by growing up witnessing him showing their mother little respect etc) No asking how I am. Dad did ask if I had someone else or do I get chatted up?? W*f ?? Nooooo…making me feel guilty for cutting him out of everybody’s life. Dad talking about it not all being bad 😞

Makes me very sad and it’s exhausting…this whole process been dragging on forever and can’t sell house to move on with my life. (detail removed by Moderator) Christmas apart this year and I can’t wait! No bah humbug but kids already worrying about their dad being home alone.

I need to spend time with positive friends who listen and support. I can’t give anymore energy away.

[Lisa]

Hello Haven,

I’m so sorry to hear about the comments and responses you have had from your family about the end of your relationship. I imagine this is really disheartening and frustrating.

Very often abusive men can put on a ‘mask’ in front of those outside of the relationship, and can be someone very different behind closed doors, which can lead to a lot of misunderstanding around who they are as a person, it can be really tough when only you know the real them.

As you say, it could be really helpful to spend time with people who have a deeper understanding of the dynamics of abuse and who support your decision to be free of it.

It sounds like the lead up to Christmas will be a challenging time, I hope you manage to find some moments of joy through this.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Haven]

Thank you Lisa for your reply. My family are good people and they are grieving the loss of their son-in-law and even talking about inviting him over as they feel sorry for him which is bazar! We have all been impacted by his controlling behaviour. Christmas will be hard for everybody ..I just want this over so we can get on with our lives.  This forum really helps me get these emotions out.

Thank you

[Bananaboat]

I thought my family were good people too until therapy showed me that the pattern of behaviour in accepting this kind of stuff started way back in my childhood. Even if your parents miss him, they can choose when or how to say that – like they could tell each other when you’re not around for example, but by saying this infront of you it’s made you uncomfortable, probably stirred up feelings of guilt or shame and all for what?! How are they the ‘victim’ here. As your parents you’d hope they were concerned about you and your feelings, instead your treading carefully around their ‘loss’. As adults they can choose to maintain a relationship with him but again do they understand or care about the impact on you. Christmas should be a happy time focusing on the kids & creating happy memories but I may be wrong, but again are they making you wobble over it. Like I say, only speaking with a counsellor has helped me to see a lot of this and I still say my parents are good, definitely nothing like my ex but there can be reasons and similarities way before we find ourselves with these partners. Don’t know if any of this is relatable but just wanted to say your feelings are totally valid here xx

[Haven]

Bannanaboat,

Thank you for replying

I understand that abuse over a long period of time can have a ripple effect on everybody and think they have also been controlled and impacted by my husband. We all feel the grief from time to time.

I am struggling with guilt as I primarily feel numb and do not miss him after 30 plus years of marriage. I don’t feel happy yet but know I am at peace.

 

I shared this experience with my parents with my sister and she said the same as you. Unacceptable that they voiced this and unaware of the impact it could have on me. Parent duties over and moved on 😅

[Author]

Posts