Family Bullying

[Rabbits]

I recently threw my (detail removed by Moderator) year old son out for bullying me, So he has estranged himself from me. I don’t know why he has always done this to me, but the behaviour got worse as he has got older.
I am estranged from one brother for the same thing and at Christmas After years of estrangement I started to see how my other brother still manages to bully me too.
My mum’s husband who adopted me when I was a small child was a bully and used me to get at my mum. Then they got divorced, her husband got custody of their kids. and then her new partner was a bully and used me to get at my mum. My relationship with my mum was destroyed early on.
The father of my children was a bully and used my children to get at me he was also a friend of my brother. Now I am estranged from: My mum my dad my children’s father my brothers and my son, which will probably mean I will be estranged from his partner and children in the future. My other child is lovely. My mental health is intact, but where does it all end?
It seems every man in my family has to try and control me. Is this a male thing?
My mum’s partners and my partner were DV perpetrators, but the other males don’t appear to be.

[Lisa]

Hi Rabbits,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. You have survived so much abuse in your life. You are right to estrange yourself from those who are abusive, as hard as it must be, it is sometimes the only way to fully protect yourself.

To try to answer your question, “is this a male thing?”- domestic abuse is a gendered crime which disproportionally affects women. Domestic abuse perpetrated by men against women is deeply rooted in the societal inequality between men and women. You can read more about this on our page here. You mention that some of the males in your family are not abusive; this is down to choice, to abuse is a choice a person makes to have power and control over another person.

If you feel like you are in need of some more support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat Service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

You also might find it helpful to learn more about domestic abuse by attending The Freedom Programme, you can attend this online or in person if there is one in your area, you can read more about it on the website.

Do keep posting to let us know how you are. We hear you and there is support for you here from those who understand.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Rabbits]

I am not sure if both of my brothers are abusing me. My mother and father did one of my brothers definitely and my son is. My brother used to hit my mum from being quite young. He was hyper and drove her insane. I can see similarities in my sons behaviour when he was a child. I am starting to think that my other brother, however, may not be abusing me. I don’t know if I should trust him. He may just be a bit of a coward.
I am also worried about my daughter as she trusts her brother and her father. Her father abused me. Can we do anything to protect daughters in this position? Should I trust my brother?

[Rabbits]

Stop thinking about it. Concentrate on the good things in my life.

[Lisa]

Hi Rabbits,

If you can concentrate on the good things, that’s a good approach. However there’s understandably lots of questions going through your head. It might be an appropriate time to consider seeing a counsellor, ideally someone working from a trauma-informed approach. To find this you could talk to your GP for a referral or look for a private counsellor through the Counselling Directory. The MIND website has some good information too.

With regards to helping your daughter, you might find it helpful to read through our page Children and Young people, for information on where she can get support. The page explains that talking to children about the abuse, in an age appropriate way, can be helpful; children often understand more than know and they appreciate honest communication.

Look after yourself,

Lisa

[Author]

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